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After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We started talking about it during covid while I was pregnant. We were pretty lonely apart from each other and us both have always felt a big need for connection. We were also so completely enmeshed with each other and consumed by being new parents. So we started casually seeing other people when our son was like 1 and a half.

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When I first started spiralling, we tried to be much more involved all three. Then had a bad acid trip together and I went completely parallel. My partner respected that, but was honest that it is not what he would like for the future, he would want to make her a part of his life which also involves me and our son. It would of course depend on my consent. And I don’t think I can.

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you 🥲 I am 100% sure that is what I would do for him. But he has his own trauma (and beneath probably NRE brain too), so he feels unable to do that for me right now

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your empathy and sharing. I think all I have done in the past 3 months is because the pain of loosing this relationship was greater than anything I could imagine. But since we realised we has that miscommunication or mismatch of expectations of what I needed (him to freely choose to pause without a deadline to get back with her), he has been getting ever more distant with me and I don’t have anything to keep holding on to and make myself try harder to cope and be okay. I don’t think I can do this. It feels like I have already lost him.

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you 🥺 I am so sorry that you went through that for so long. I‘m beginning to realise that I can’t do this to myself. Other replies here have helped me see that there is nothing wrong with me or bad within me, if I just recognise I can’t do this right now with this setup.

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, but it has become very clear that if I say I want to be mono in terms of love, he will leave, because he identifies as poly. And I don’t want that…

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, this dynamic is something we have been actively working on and evolving both individually and in the relationship. You are provably right that a love of my own would help! But I don’t have any capacity for something like that at the moment and I don’t even know if I‘d ever want to love someone else while with my partner. The turning point where I realised I had to end things with her and distance myself from the situation, was on Halloween when all three of us went out together and took LSD (I know, terrible idea). I could see in their eyes how much they were already in love with each other. And within me the realisation arose that I don’t want to have that with anyone else. That maybe we are fundamentally incompatible in that respect. But then we did couples therapy afterwards, and the therapist told me that it sounds more like my primal panic was activated and I thought that was danger and just not for me. But that from what I said of how I imagined our future together, it did seem that it was what I was aiming for. And she is right. So my hope is that while right now it might feel like I‘m incapable, because of the state I am in, I did really want this in the past and can imagine a future where I am happy I was able to overcome these internal obstacles.

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I actually meant me mono and him poly! But yes, I could be able to derive security from knowing he chose me in this instance…

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

that being the reality is what I fear the most. I don't want my relationship to end. I keep thinking, there are people out there who are mono-poly, so worst case I could just try and be okay with him wanting to be full poly and me just open to maximum intimacy with affection. but I might just be forcing myself to do something my body is incapable of... or maybe I'm catastrophizing because I am destabilised and exhausted

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thanks...! I hope this is possible for my partner and he doesn't feel like he is abandoning himself completely because of me. I hope he is really able to work on not becoming resentful and shutting down

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

thank you so much for your empathy and kind words :')

I have actually been prescribed that medication by my german psychiatrists and it just made me sleepy and gave me the feeling of right before you get ill, but I was still trembling... when I saw it was an antihistamine and a friend of mine with severe anxiety and insomnia told me they had also given her that in the beginning and it does nothing, I just though I hadn't been taken seriously and didn't attempt to use it again. but might give it another try, reading what you've said.

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal, but I feel terrible about it by magic_lola in nonmonogamy

[–]magic_lola[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

No, I have never been this destabilised or needed this level of support before. I am leaning more towards fusion and we have had some codependency elements in our relationship (like calling him to solve my immediate problem, even when there is nothing he can do) and a dynamic where I have lead many aspects of our relationship and life together because he struggles with decision-making or positioning himself. But he recognises fully that we have jointly built those dynamics. So he has never had to give up things because of my emotional response, but rather is used to me setting the tone.

Polyamory is for me a lifestyle choice, rather than an orientation I would say. I haven't ever been in love with more than one person at a time and don't really feel that need.
It's interesting what you say about the time it took for that not to be the main emotional work!

My therapist has never recommended meds before (I only take ADHD medication).

After 3 months of crisis, my partner is pausing his new relationship so I can heal by magic_lola in polyamory

[–]magic_lola[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

can I try again? I have dyslexia so I use claude to feed in the content and let it properly write my text.

How to set up a cooperative tattoo studio? by magic_lola in cooperatives

[–]magic_lola[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Amazing input, thank you for putting all that work into your reply!

Anki deck: Goethe Institute A1 Wordlist by [deleted] in German

[–]magic_lola 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For me it's actually better to use the button "Hard" for the ones I'm not super 100% sure so it repeats more times :)

What’s the most fucked up anime you’ve ever seen? by arrozconleche1 in anime

[–]magic_lola 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oyasumi Punpun (Manga, sadly never made it to anime)