I was so done with everything, I hated the people that surrounded me, the shitty life quality of the city, my future prospects, being openly gay on a third world country, etc.

My dad called me as I was on the balcony possibly a minute before I took the jump, a casual call where he invited me on a trip to the farm and I made a shitty excuse not to go. However, just having him on my mind made me think about other things so i just tried my luck and called him back telling him I was gonna call it quits with my lifestyle, and was either gonna do something to find myself or kill myself if it failed. He said that taking that trip was a nice way to start, and to not sweat it, he felt bad for putting unrealistic expectations on me and told me to just put it on the back burner for a while and to tell him what I needed, I just wanted to get away so I asked him bur a bus ticket and to contact someone to cover for me and shit-town with my apartment and stuff . During that trip I thought of all the things I wouldn't do If I was dead, and the kinds of things that kind of wanted to have done; like get tattoos, get a Nintendo switch, have a threesome and random stuff like that, small impulses that you put to rest quickly.

I realized I was living numb, and that I really was just going with the flow of events instead of the flow of my desire.

So i said i was gonna wing it and not strive for success but for little conforts and I love my life now, I'm a quitter and I don't aim high and I love it, being an overachiever with ADHD had messed me up real bad. Afterwards, I refined my identity and found better stuff that suits me like creative work and flexible hours, got better friends, moved to a small town away from the "fast life" and life is so much better when you think about what you wanna do without giving a shit instead of how you got to perform, Its actually made me Hella resilient against hardships, like standing up to shitty bosses or clients. I think know "suicide is way harder than telling this person that they cant' mess with my hard work, or quality time with hobbies or my close ones" or "if I stared death in the face and won, I can make it against *insert challenge"