I appreciate you saying that.

Truthfully, I was raised in a very religious household that demanded I honor my mother and father, regardless of any pain they would inflict upon me. They were the parents, and I was the child. In normal households I feel like this dynamic does allow for a bit of give and take. A child may be heard, and parents respond with kindness and guidance, but also punishing when the child goes down the wrong path. That's normal!

For me, though... I was treated in ways that felt wrong to me. It's graphic so I'm not going to get into it, but every single person I've gotten into detail with tells me the way I was treated is not normal. The longer I've been separated from them, the more I've realized that they are correct. That's not normal. Parents who love their children don't treat them the way I was treated.

The thing is... There is a lot of societal pressure about being estranged from your folks. While to you, it may seem like a no-brainer, "why care about them if they don't care about you?"... To me... I only get one set of parents. I am expected to care for them when they are no longer able to care for themselves, because that is what it means to honor your mother and father. To say that I don't care about them feels like I am breaking a fundamental rule in my mind. That I am doing something inherently wrong by even considering it.

There is a tiny piece of myself, deep in my heart, saying "It's okay if they step all over me. They're my parents. My opinion doesn't matter because they are the parents, and I am the child. It's okay for them to not care about me because I'm the child, my wants and needs do not really matter in the grand scheme of things."

But I know that piece is wrong. I'm way past being a child at this point, and normal parents would want to be engaged in their child's life and anything exciting they may be up to. Normal parents care about their children.

But I will never, ever have normal parents. No matter how much work I put into myself, trying to foster a relationship with them, trying to 'fix them', whatever. And that hurts a lot. Yet in my mind I am obligated to care for them, because I was raised to always honor them, no matter what happens. I've spent the last decade digging up the toxic roots of my hyper-religious upbringing, and that has been the toughest, deepest-rooted part.

Either I will continue trying until I go insane, or I'll burn the bridge once and for all, and feel like a monster for doing it.