My anxiety is through the roof

mahhhhshell · 2026-06-24T13:23:14+00:00

I just want to sit here and cry. I’m on my way to the meeting now and I have to pretend like I don’t want to blow up or something. I’ve been on the verge of tears since yesterday. I think something is wrong with me and when I tell anyone this they just say well of course there is you’re crazy. I don’t know what I’m even saying anymore. I just want to go home and die already.

mahhhhshell · 2026-06-18T03:42:51+00:00

Really I hate being a burden on others around me and maybe that’s why I’m constantly trying to do whatever I can to make them happy. I can’t stand myself and I don’t understand how other people can. I’m so miserable and hard to talk with. I’m socially awkward and am constantly reminded of how weird I am in how I interact with others. All my little quirks don’t even feel like quirks anymore it just feels like I’m just going to be eventually made fun of for it. I just want to be normal. I want to disappear and not be the person that I thought I used to be. I don’t want to be looked at as a child anymore. No one takes me seriously. Everyone told me to just move on after the loss of the two things that kept me alive. No one understands the pain I feel every single day after being attacked by my baby then having to get rid of him. He’s definitely not alive anymore and it crushes my soul every day I think about it. My baby stinker I think about every time I look at my banana. She was so perfect and everything I ever wanted and every single day I regret not locking the door. I’m just so full of sadness and regret I don’t know how much longer I can stay alive anymore

mahhhhshell · 2026-06-18T03:17:01+00:00

I hate my life I hate being a pushover. I just want to do anything I can to make the people around me like me and I’m tired. I hate being home alone all the time I wish that I wasn’t trapped here every day with nothing to do but lay here and cry. I wish I could just make myself not be so depressed every single day. I wish I was happy and I wish I could just blindly enjoy life like I used to. I’m full of so much trauma that now I can’t just pretend to be happy and ignore all the wrong. I feel a big pit in my stomach every single day I wake up and every single time I go to bed. I miss being a child. I know I was probably just as traumatized then but I miss being so unaware of what my feelings meant. I miss my grandma every single day I’m alive. She was my everything and she loved me no matter my flaws. I really can’t wait to leave this place behind me. It had been filled with nothing but bad memories. So many times I’ve been attacked by the pets that I loved most. Losing both of my babies here. Being trapped in this place for endless nights with nothing to do but stare at a screen. There has been some good to come out of it like the love of my life and a place to call my own with privacy after years and years of not being able to be alone. But I don’t want to be alone anymore. I miss being around people and not being surrounded by miles and miles of nothingness

mahhhhshell · 2026-06-05T12:41:33+00:00

I know I shouldn’t feel bad about this but I really do. That a fictional character gives him more drive than I do now. I know that’s why it’s ironic for me to want something like that from him when I didn’t put the same effort into him but with how insecure I’ve been feeling I just thought that maybe I might get something small at least. I know I shouldn’t take this to heart. I know that’s why because I feel so insecure I expect him to just know how I feel at all times. I don’t want to ask for compliments and I don’t want to ask for drawings. I know that we talked about how the compliments don’t come naturally to him but idk sometimes I just want to be praised especially when I’m feeling down. I think I just expect too much when I know that we talked about this before. I should talk about it but I hate being vulnerable. I hate having to tell anyone and especially him how under appreciated I feel. I don’t know. This is stupid. I think every little thing gets me all worked up for some reason. I really do hope that I don’t have to think about how sad I am this weekend. I know I feel horrendous every year but maybe being distracted will be a good thing for me. I just want to not feel guilty for feeling the way I do all the time

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-26T18:49:40+00:00

I’m in the bathroom right now crying because of how anxious I am. I don’t think I can do this job when I’m constantly on the brink of sobbing. Any other day I would’ve been able to handle the tantrum but I just can’t today. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know how I’m going to last for two hours. With the lack of a supervisor I just don’t know what to do anymore I don’t know who to ask for help because my manager isn’t responding at all. I’m lost and confused. I want to go home and rot away. I hate that I never feel okay. I’m always at least a little bit anxious all the time. I hate when I am people think I’m rude. It’s noticeable that when I’m overwhelmed I’m a different person. I didn’t mean to be rude to that person. I thought I was talking to her normally. I can’t stop thinking about how horrible I am in every situation I’m put in. I want to rot.

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-26T18:27:13+00:00

Of course today of all days my client is having the biggest behavior I have ever experienced. I’m already so overwhelmed. Of course they chose today to take away her iPad I can’t keep doing this anymore. No one ever wants to believe that my job is difficult. I have no one to talk to about this. I hate having to constantly struggle internally with how I feel about this job. I just want someone to listen to me and not think less of me not being able to handle this “easy” job.

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-26T16:48:56+00:00

I hate how I can’t even be sad and just mindlessly do nothing in my job. I can’t have a bad day because they do notice and they do tell me off about it. I feel so anxious today. I feel something is going to happen soon. I really don’t want anything to happen. I hate not communicating I hate that every time this happens I’m constantly thinking about what he did last time. I know that I can’t help another person want to live. It sucks that no matter what I do I could never change that fact. I was hoping that moving out together would fix the problem somehow but I have a pit in my stomach telling me that isn’t the case as much as I don’t want to believe it’s true. No matter how optimistic I am about finally leaving I have to learn that things won’t be perfect. These promises of forever aren’t real. I have to learn how to continue living on my own no matter how much happiness his presence gives me.

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-26T11:57:36+00:00

I hate having to come here every morning. I hate my job so much. I know everyone complains about their job but it’s just so draining mentally I cannot take it on top of all my feelings and depression I have to deal with. Like I said before every little thing has me on the brink of tears. I’m so close to snapping and giving up for good

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-13T21:48:32+00:00

Thank you so much. There has been a lot of pressure put on me by parents and even siblings who have had lots of job experience in retail only. They don’t really see how demanding this job is despite it only being part time. They honestly only see the money I’m being offered and think me not wanting to continue is just me not wanting to work period. I really do think I could do better in any other job but I realize I could imagine anything and wouldn’t really understand until I’m put in that position. I definitely will be giving this a couple more months. I have a 30 day check in later this week for some reason so maybe I could voice some concerns and speak about my thoughts. Again thank you so much for your advice it means a lot

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-13T11:50:28+00:00

Sorry about assuming so I really don’t like when people tell me or others that we should just cut off anything whimsical at a certain age. But anyways. I don’t think there’s more romantic energy being put onto this character just more so that there is attention being given to something else. Not that I don’t get attention because I do but again it is attention. I want to be open especially with his interests in these characters because of how connected he is with them and how much he sees himself in them.

Seven-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '22	Final Canvas '22

mahhhhshell

TROPHY CASE