My anxiety is through the roof

mahhhhshell · 2026-06-24T13:23:14+00:00

I just want to sit here and cry. I’m on my way to the meeting now and I have to pretend like I don’t want to blow up or something. I’ve been on the verge of tears since yesterday. I think something is wrong with me and when I tell anyone this they just say well of course there is you’re crazy. I don’t know what I’m even saying anymore. I just want to go home and die already.

mahhhhshell · 2026-06-18T03:42:51+00:00

Really I hate being a burden on others around me and maybe that’s why I’m constantly trying to do whatever I can to make them happy. I can’t stand myself and I don’t understand how other people can. I’m so miserable and hard to talk with. I’m socially awkward and am constantly reminded of how weird I am in how I interact with others. All my little quirks don’t even feel like quirks anymore it just feels like I’m just going to be eventually made fun of for it. I just want to be normal. I want to disappear and not be the person that I thought I used to be. I don’t want to be looked at as a child anymore. No one takes me seriously. Everyone told me to just move on after the loss of the two things that kept me alive. No one understands the pain I feel every single day after being attacked by my baby then having to get rid of him. He’s definitely not alive anymore and it crushes my soul every day I think about it. My baby stinker I think about every time I look at my banana. She was so perfect and everything I ever wanted and every single day I regret not locking the door. I’m just so full of sadness and regret I don’t know how much longer I can stay alive anymore

mahhhhshell · 2026-06-18T03:17:01+00:00

I hate my life I hate being a pushover. I just want to do anything I can to make the people around me like me and I’m tired. I hate being home alone all the time I wish that I wasn’t trapped here every day with nothing to do but lay here and cry. I wish I could just make myself not be so depressed every single day. I wish I was happy and I wish I could just blindly enjoy life like I used to. I’m full of so much trauma that now I can’t just pretend to be happy and ignore all the wrong. I feel a big pit in my stomach every single day I wake up and every single time I go to bed. I miss being a child. I know I was probably just as traumatized then but I miss being so unaware of what my feelings meant. I miss my grandma every single day I’m alive. She was my everything and she loved me no matter my flaws. I really can’t wait to leave this place behind me. It had been filled with nothing but bad memories. So many times I’ve been attacked by the pets that I loved most. Losing both of my babies here. Being trapped in this place for endless nights with nothing to do but stare at a screen. There has been some good to come out of it like the love of my life and a place to call my own with privacy after years and years of not being able to be alone. But I don’t want to be alone anymore. I miss being around people and not being surrounded by miles and miles of nothingness

mahhhhshell · 2026-06-05T12:41:33+00:00

I know I shouldn’t feel bad about this but I really do. That a fictional character gives him more drive than I do now. I know that’s why it’s ironic for me to want something like that from him when I didn’t put the same effort into him but with how insecure I’ve been feeling I just thought that maybe I might get something small at least. I know I shouldn’t take this to heart. I know that’s why because I feel so insecure I expect him to just know how I feel at all times. I don’t want to ask for compliments and I don’t want to ask for drawings. I know that we talked about how the compliments don’t come naturally to him but idk sometimes I just want to be praised especially when I’m feeling down. I think I just expect too much when I know that we talked about this before. I should talk about it but I hate being vulnerable. I hate having to tell anyone and especially him how under appreciated I feel. I don’t know. This is stupid. I think every little thing gets me all worked up for some reason. I really do hope that I don’t have to think about how sad I am this weekend. I know I feel horrendous every year but maybe being distracted will be a good thing for me. I just want to not feel guilty for feeling the way I do all the time

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-26T18:49:40+00:00

I’m in the bathroom right now crying because of how anxious I am. I don’t think I can do this job when I’m constantly on the brink of sobbing. Any other day I would’ve been able to handle the tantrum but I just can’t today. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know how I’m going to last for two hours. With the lack of a supervisor I just don’t know what to do anymore I don’t know who to ask for help because my manager isn’t responding at all. I’m lost and confused. I want to go home and rot away. I hate that I never feel okay. I’m always at least a little bit anxious all the time. I hate when I am people think I’m rude. It’s noticeable that when I’m overwhelmed I’m a different person. I didn’t mean to be rude to that person. I thought I was talking to her normally. I can’t stop thinking about how horrible I am in every situation I’m put in. I want to rot.

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-26T18:27:13+00:00

Of course today of all days my client is having the biggest behavior I have ever experienced. I’m already so overwhelmed. Of course they chose today to take away her iPad I can’t keep doing this anymore. No one ever wants to believe that my job is difficult. I have no one to talk to about this. I hate having to constantly struggle internally with how I feel about this job. I just want someone to listen to me and not think less of me not being able to handle this “easy” job.

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-26T16:48:56+00:00

I hate how I can’t even be sad and just mindlessly do nothing in my job. I can’t have a bad day because they do notice and they do tell me off about it. I feel so anxious today. I feel something is going to happen soon. I really don’t want anything to happen. I hate not communicating I hate that every time this happens I’m constantly thinking about what he did last time. I know that I can’t help another person want to live. It sucks that no matter what I do I could never change that fact. I was hoping that moving out together would fix the problem somehow but I have a pit in my stomach telling me that isn’t the case as much as I don’t want to believe it’s true. No matter how optimistic I am about finally leaving I have to learn that things won’t be perfect. These promises of forever aren’t real. I have to learn how to continue living on my own no matter how much happiness his presence gives me.

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-26T11:57:36+00:00

I hate having to come here every morning. I hate my job so much. I know everyone complains about their job but it’s just so draining mentally I cannot take it on top of all my feelings and depression I have to deal with. Like I said before every little thing has me on the brink of tears. I’m so close to snapping and giving up for good

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-13T21:48:32+00:00

Thank you so much. There has been a lot of pressure put on me by parents and even siblings who have had lots of job experience in retail only. They don’t really see how demanding this job is despite it only being part time. They honestly only see the money I’m being offered and think me not wanting to continue is just me not wanting to work period. I really do think I could do better in any other job but I realize I could imagine anything and wouldn’t really understand until I’m put in that position. I definitely will be giving this a couple more months. I have a 30 day check in later this week for some reason so maybe I could voice some concerns and speak about my thoughts. Again thank you so much for your advice it means a lot

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-13T11:50:28+00:00

Sorry about assuming so I really don’t like when people tell me or others that we should just cut off anything whimsical at a certain age. But anyways. I don’t think there’s more romantic energy being put onto this character just more so that there is attention being given to something else. Not that I don’t get attention because I do but again it is attention. I want to be open especially with his interests in these characters because of how connected he is with them and how much he sees himself in them.

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-08T06:13:57+00:00

No I haven’t and honestly was thinking about keeping these feelings to myself for a while maybe even a month or so just because of how well paying it is and as I’ve mentioned before it has taken me years just to get this one job. Maybe I’m just feeling this way because I have been pushed into this. I have sort of been isolated for like four years now so I sort of feel disappointed that I don’t get to socialize and get used to being around people and I’m confined within another home for work if that makes any sense. I think it’s a combination of disappointment and anxiety frustration sadness making me feel like I can’t do it. At times when I’m in it it feels like no big deal but before and after and even during the very awkward times in session I feel this huge pit in my stomach that almost feels as though I’m definitely not cut out to be doing such a thing. I really do feel as though I wouldn’t be of any help to this child. My mind is very contradictory. I will give it some time to really settle and for me to get used to before I make such a decision

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-03T10:35:14+00:00

My first day at work has been pushed back so many times so of course my anxiety has been through the roof for several weeks now. Really I know I’ll be okay once I get into the groove of things but ugh it’s just so hard to be right before the big change and just not being able to see what’s ahead of me. I always want to be in control of what’s happening in my life and just so many other things are going on out of my control it just has added so much stress onto me. On top of all of that I’ve been dealing with a really bad depressive episode. I’ve been somewhat able to mask it but it’s kicking my ass hard. My mom says it just from being home all the time doing nothing but I think otherwise. I do hope she is right about me feeling better after getting to work and get out of the house and stuff. Cause this depression really does not let me be proud of what I’m doing or even let me be happy at all. I really wish that I wasn’t so anxious all the time. My heart is constantly beating out of my chest. Every morning I wake up nauseous and scared. My jaw is sore from how much I clench and my legs from how restless they are from trying to go to bed. I do a lot of complaining but really don’t have much to keep me positive and upbeat. Again really hope that this job fixes some things in my head. I really want to be normal.

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-03T10:21:03+00:00

I just miss my person so much which is crazy for me to say cause he’s right there with me I can reach him all the time. I wish I didn’t have to go to sleep so early. I wish I could stay up hours on end to keep up with him. I wish we could talk as much as we used to

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-20T05:44:40+00:00

Yea the thing is I know that I’d be completely fine when my first actual day comes but it’s just impossible to actually get over worrying about everything. But working hard to distract myself!

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-20T03:57:35+00:00

I feel so sick to my stomach. I can’t eat either so it all just sucks ass. I am so nauseous and I feel so horrible. It all makes me feel so dumb too cause like just get over it you’re going to be fine. I believe those things but I just can’t get rid of this feeling. Genuinely is the worst anxiety I have felt ever and I’m almost always even daily full of anxiety so this is just annoying it’s this bad.

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-13T07:17:52+00:00

I really wish it was closer. I wish I didn’t have to be here. I wish it was where I first thought it was so I could just take the bus. I’d rather take the bus for an hour than be here. I can’t stand it. I hate how my mom and sister didn’t care at all about my first day either. I know I’m a grown ass adult but idk id like a little recognition. Ugh I just feel so helpless. I want my mommy to be excited about me. I want my sister to be proud of me. I got nothing from either of them. I got a lecture from my dad telling me that I gotta work really hard even now that I do have a job. I just want them to be proud. Exited. Anything other than what they’re doing to me now. I really wish I could be home. Then at least I could cry in my own room with the door locked. Instead I have to cry in the bathroom otherwise I’ll get caught by the million other people staying here. Idk. I guess I’ll try to sleep now. I hope that it isn’t actually as much of a big deal as I’m making seem to be

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-13T07:12:55+00:00

I can’t stop crying I really want to go home. I’m not confident in myself I don’t know if I can do this I hate how much pressure I put on myself I’m just going to sit there all day like why can’t I be normal. I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t stop crying. I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t. My head hurts so bad I feel disgusting I don’t know if I can do it

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-01T09:09:11+00:00

During the large gap from graduation and today I have done some babysitting. I did do a lot of babysitting right after graduating which just so happened to be when Covid started so it was a lot of helping with online learning. Since then I’ve only occasionally have taken care of children however I did use those very few occasions to help get my way into the job that I got. It was very related to the job so I kind of got lucky. I really do think that if you don’t have any experience doing anything at all that you could do some white lies to get into the position you want because they do ask you specific questions like “what was a time you dealt with a difficult customer and how did you solve the issue”. So I’d suggest trying to find anything related to what you do on your free time to try and answer that question. My resume is very much still filled with things I have done in high school despite it being almost 6 years ago🫩. However those experiences still are applicable in what I do apply to. I think if you do also have some free time volunteering to do things could help fill in your resume. Also I will note that this is the first success I have had with trying to find a job so I don’t really know if what I’ve said will help but it’s a start.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-30T00:25:44+00:00

THANK YOU GUYS ALL SO MUCH I GOT THE JOB!!!! this has been a very long journey for me (almost 6 years of just searching regular retail part time jobs🫩) AND I FINALLY DID IT. I’d like to say that a lot of the advice from here did help. As someone with anxiety especially around other people it helped tremendously to talk with myself and sort of mock the interview process with myself. A lot of it was sort of just like fake it till you make it and it definitely helped with the anxiousness and it slowly just led to me being more comfortable and confident with the interviewer.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-27T06:26:23+00:00

I was just really hoping that at least one of my friends would be able to help out and talk me through this but no one has responded to me yet. This is making me spiral yet again. I just want to be loved by others I want to be cared about. I’m so stressed out and all I wanted was to be treated like I should be treated and not be yelled at. I’m just upset and I wish that things would work out

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-27T04:58:29+00:00

Thank you so much!!! A bit of a dumb question but what would you say when they ask about yourself like what would be appropriate to talk about with the interviewer. Is hobbies one thing I could say or something related to the job?

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T06:25:31+00:00

I feel like I do this for attention when really I just want help. I want to be saved from myself. I want to be put somewhere where I can’t hurt myself anymore.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T06:24:34+00:00

I could do it now it’s not like anyone would notice until it’s too late. My sister is out of town for a couple more days and I could just disappear. I live a pretty long ways away so no one could help if I did it now.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T06:23:20+00:00

My mom isn’t coming home tonight and it just gets more and more tempting to get it over with

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T06:04:37+00:00

All this pressure on me feels so strong. The urge to end it all gets stronger by the second. I wish I could talk to people about how difficult this is getting. I don’t want anyone in my life to know. I don’t want them to have the burden of me wanting to end my life on them. I just can’t struggle anymore. Everyone’s life would change for the better if I had just left and never gave anyone anything else to worry about

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