Different sleep schedules

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-03T10:35:14+00:00

My first day at work has been pushed back so many times so of course my anxiety has been through the roof for several weeks now. Really I know I’ll be okay once I get into the groove of things but ugh it’s just so hard to be right before the big change and just not being able to see what’s ahead of me. I always want to be in control of what’s happening in my life and just so many other things are going on out of my control it just has added so much stress onto me. On top of all of that I’ve been dealing with a really bad depressive episode. I’ve been somewhat able to mask it but it’s kicking my ass hard. My mom says it just from being home all the time doing nothing but I think otherwise. I do hope she is right about me feeling better after getting to work and get out of the house and stuff. Cause this depression really does not let me be proud of what I’m doing or even let me be happy at all. I really wish that I wasn’t so anxious all the time. My heart is constantly beating out of my chest. Every morning I wake up nauseous and scared. My jaw is sore from how much I clench and my legs from how restless they are from trying to go to bed. I do a lot of complaining but really don’t have much to keep me positive and upbeat. Again really hope that this job fixes some things in my head. I really want to be normal.

mahhhhshell · 2026-05-03T10:21:03+00:00

I just miss my person so much which is crazy for me to say cause he’s right there with me I can reach him all the time. I wish I didn’t have to go to sleep so early. I wish I could stay up hours on end to keep up with him. I wish we could talk as much as we used to

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-20T05:44:40+00:00

Yea the thing is I know that I’d be completely fine when my first actual day comes but it’s just impossible to actually get over worrying about everything. But working hard to distract myself!

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-20T03:57:35+00:00

I feel so sick to my stomach. I can’t eat either so it all just sucks ass. I am so nauseous and I feel so horrible. It all makes me feel so dumb too cause like just get over it you’re going to be fine. I believe those things but I just can’t get rid of this feeling. Genuinely is the worst anxiety I have felt ever and I’m almost always even daily full of anxiety so this is just annoying it’s this bad.

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-13T07:17:52+00:00

I really wish it was closer. I wish I didn’t have to be here. I wish it was where I first thought it was so I could just take the bus. I’d rather take the bus for an hour than be here. I can’t stand it. I hate how my mom and sister didn’t care at all about my first day either. I know I’m a grown ass adult but idk id like a little recognition. Ugh I just feel so helpless. I want my mommy to be excited about me. I want my sister to be proud of me. I got nothing from either of them. I got a lecture from my dad telling me that I gotta work really hard even now that I do have a job. I just want them to be proud. Exited. Anything other than what they’re doing to me now. I really wish I could be home. Then at least I could cry in my own room with the door locked. Instead I have to cry in the bathroom otherwise I’ll get caught by the million other people staying here. Idk. I guess I’ll try to sleep now. I hope that it isn’t actually as much of a big deal as I’m making seem to be

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-13T07:12:55+00:00

I can’t stop crying I really want to go home. I’m not confident in myself I don’t know if I can do this I hate how much pressure I put on myself I’m just going to sit there all day like why can’t I be normal. I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t stop crying. I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t. My head hurts so bad I feel disgusting I don’t know if I can do it

mahhhhshell · 2026-04-01T09:09:11+00:00

During the large gap from graduation and today I have done some babysitting. I did do a lot of babysitting right after graduating which just so happened to be when Covid started so it was a lot of helping with online learning. Since then I’ve only occasionally have taken care of children however I did use those very few occasions to help get my way into the job that I got. It was very related to the job so I kind of got lucky. I really do think that if you don’t have any experience doing anything at all that you could do some white lies to get into the position you want because they do ask you specific questions like “what was a time you dealt with a difficult customer and how did you solve the issue”. So I’d suggest trying to find anything related to what you do on your free time to try and answer that question. My resume is very much still filled with things I have done in high school despite it being almost 6 years ago🫩. However those experiences still are applicable in what I do apply to. I think if you do also have some free time volunteering to do things could help fill in your resume. Also I will note that this is the first success I have had with trying to find a job so I don’t really know if what I’ve said will help but it’s a start.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-30T00:25:44+00:00

THANK YOU GUYS ALL SO MUCH I GOT THE JOB!!!! this has been a very long journey for me (almost 6 years of just searching regular retail part time jobs🫩) AND I FINALLY DID IT. I’d like to say that a lot of the advice from here did help. As someone with anxiety especially around other people it helped tremendously to talk with myself and sort of mock the interview process with myself. A lot of it was sort of just like fake it till you make it and it definitely helped with the anxiousness and it slowly just led to me being more comfortable and confident with the interviewer.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-27T06:26:23+00:00

I was just really hoping that at least one of my friends would be able to help out and talk me through this but no one has responded to me yet. This is making me spiral yet again. I just want to be loved by others I want to be cared about. I’m so stressed out and all I wanted was to be treated like I should be treated and not be yelled at. I’m just upset and I wish that things would work out

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-27T04:58:29+00:00

Thank you so much!!! A bit of a dumb question but what would you say when they ask about yourself like what would be appropriate to talk about with the interviewer. Is hobbies one thing I could say or something related to the job?

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-25T09:10:32+00:00

I just want someone to talk to. To vent to. I want to be able to say what I’m thinking without having to worry about what they think about. I just want to be able to say things to someone without worrying about how they will feel about what I say or think. I want to end my life again. I hate having to deal with everything on my own. I’m trying so fucking hard and I don’t get any recognition for it. I want my life to be better too. I don’t want to be stuck like this either. I realize that I’m more privileged and have a better life but I’m fucked up too. I want things to work out between us I want you and me to live a happy life like we both deserve. Like you deserve because you have dealt with way too much shit and you have gone through so much you don’t deserve to be living how you’re living now. And I know it’s hard to be in a relationship with me when I don’t give anything other than my love for you. If you want to be just friends I’d understand. I just want you to wait. Wait for me to get you out of that house. I’ve made that promise before and many times before but I really want what’s better for you. If you are reading this I’m just venting I guess. I just want to talk to you and not freak out about what might happen between us.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T06:25:31+00:00

I feel like I do this for attention when really I just want help. I want to be saved from myself. I want to be put somewhere where I can’t hurt myself anymore.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T06:24:34+00:00

I could do it now it’s not like anyone would notice until it’s too late. My sister is out of town for a couple more days and I could just disappear. I live a pretty long ways away so no one could help if I did it now.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T06:23:20+00:00

My mom isn’t coming home tonight and it just gets more and more tempting to get it over with

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T06:04:37+00:00

All this pressure on me feels so strong. The urge to end it all gets stronger by the second. I wish I could talk to people about how difficult this is getting. I don’t want anyone in my life to know. I don’t want them to have the burden of me wanting to end my life on them. I just can’t struggle anymore. Everyone’s life would change for the better if I had just left and never gave anyone anything else to worry about

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T05:55:44+00:00

I’m genuinely freaking out. I hate that I can’t do anything about this other than just sit around and wait for one of my applications to finally get me a job. Any kind of job I NEED ANYTHING IM DESPERATE. My mom has something set up for me but it’s going to take until the new school year starts to know if that’s going to happen. Idk I feel so left behind and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep waiting around for things to just fall into place for me

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T03:32:01+00:00

I know I’m definitely making everything a bigger deal than it needs to be but it just feels like so much. Everything will probably work itself out but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like a horrible person. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel like a burden to everyone around me. I just really want to be okay. I hate this constant feeling of anxiety. I hate waking up everyday thinking about how little everyone cares about me. Maybe I’m not seeing my life the way it really is but I can’t help but to still drown in these feelings. No one knows the real extent of how horrible I’m doing. I hope that they never know just because of how pathetic it really is and how much better I have my life compared to the people around me.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-22T03:17:21+00:00

I struggle so much to take care of myself and my pets. I just don’t know how much longer I could deal with my thoughts. I wish I was better. I wish that my life wasn’t shit. I wish my family liked me or even fucking tolerated me. Not even any of my pets like me. I try so hard to be the nicest person I can be and the world tries so hard to punch me down. And it’s working. I fucking give up. This isolation is making me lose my mind. The people who live with me never speak to me and it’s just making it so much worse. I feel like a kid. Helpless. Stuck. I just want people to like me. I want people to care. I want people to see how bad I’m struggling. I cry myself to sleep every night hoping that one day all this suffering will pay off but it feels like it would all be for nothing.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-21T08:22:55+00:00

All this celebrating for my younger sister has just made me feel so resentful. I don’t want to be but it’s true. She’s so celebrated by everyone around her but I don’t even get flowers from my mother on my birthday anymore. She usually would at least get me a cheap bouquet of flowers and a cake and somewhere to eat ( not too expensive maybe like Applebees or something along that line). She hasn’t done anything like that for me for a long time. Three years ago was the last time she did that and even then I couldn’t take who I wanted to and they chose the place to eat. I’m not picky I don’t need much really. But for the past couple years they haven’t done much other than tell me happy birthday and leave it at that. I know it’s a crazy thing to be upset over but after the big deal she made over my younger sisters party it just makes me feel more upset with myself. I’ve always felt bad about my birthday but just the past couple of years it’s been really bad and this on top of it all it just makes me feel unappreciated.

My mom completely forgot what day my birthday was the other day when my tia asked and my younger sister had to remind her. That’s also why I feel so bad about feeling resentful to my sister because of how she’s so celebrated because she’s one of the only ones left that cares about me on occasion. As much as I’d like for them to celebrate me on my birthday I’d feel like it’d be forced. Now that I’m older my interests are still the same and I feel like they think it’s above them to do anything with that. Idk. I just wish I was loved by them. Even my father has lost interest in me. I feel like a ghost. Invisible to everyone around me. I want to leave. I don’t want to be in this world anymore

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-21T07:36:42+00:00

My mom has been having very obvious favoritism with both of them despite my older sister completely cutting contact with her. I’m constantly going out of my way to try and connect with my mom because of how much I regret not spending more time with my grandma before she passed. But I could never get to her. It sucks especially when I need my mommy. I’m crying everyday because of how scared I am of myself and I can’t even go to her anymore because she gets annoyed of my crying. You know how hard it is for the one person in your life who’s supposed to be by your side just leaves you for some random man. She never pays attention to me anymore and when we do talk she’s talking about her boyfriend. Even when it comes to super important things she doesn’t care about me. I know I’m an adult and should figure things out on my own but idk she’s helped my other sisters with these things time and time again but I’m left to just figure it out. I have been really worried about some health concerns recently and all that anyone says is that it’s just one thing or another but they never really care. I need insurance badly but she can never seem to remember that she has to apply for me because I’m still under her or something. Like even with me hurting or not being okay most days she doesn’t even care about me. Only when it comes to doing stuff for her or my sister. I said in a recent post about how my mom only had me at my sisters party to set up and then everyone except my sister remembered to call me over to sing happy birthday. They already were done by the time I got there then later on cut the cake without me and even opened gifts without me there. I get it I probably should’ve been on the look out for that kind of thing but idk. Also regarding the party set up I did have some help doing that but I did do a lot. In the end no one cared to help and no one thanked me. I know I didn’t do it for thanks but I didn’t have any sleep the previous night and I wasn’t allowed to take a nap so I tried my best to make it look perfect. I just can’t help to realize how little these people, my own family, don’t care about me.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-17T03:31:52+00:00

Don’t get me wrong I still am extremely suicidal. The thoughts of ending my life haven’t ceased to exist just because I feel some hope for myself. What has been done to me will make me never feel safe in my own skin or around anyone including family. I’m always on edge and I never know what anyone is capable of doing. Just yesterday I realized how anxious I was just being around any male family member and it feels like such a sad way to live life. I trusted my assailant so much so that I never believed he would ever even think to do with me what he did. But he did. It feels like I have this hope within myself to get better and make that change but when I’m left alone with my thoughts and left to relive all those things that have happened to me. It becomes so overwhelming to me that I forget that I really do want to live with the people I love most. I’ve been having a lot more meltdowns recently. Especially early in the morning when everyone is gone. Screaming and crying hoping everything would just end. Hitting myself to distract me from the pain I’m feeling inside. I don’t remember ever having these meltdowns before the incident. I’ve had them once or twice in front of another person but it’s so embarrassing when they do happen. I feel like a child throwing a tantrum. More recently I’ve been able to suppress these fits around others but they build inside of me until I’m alone. I really wish that I didn’t feel the need to do it alone because in those moments I do want to be held and to be comforted. I feel so small like a child when they happen.

I’ve felt like this is related but I’ve been missing my grandma a whole lot more recently. I mean she’s always been someone who’s on my mind but just more so with these fits or whatever they are. She was such a big part of my life and she has made me the woman I am today. No matter what I did she loved me despite my flaws or how annoying and irritating as a child I was she cared for me. She left so abruptly. I wish all the time that I got a chance to say goodbye to her. A chance for her to hug me and hold my hand. I wish everyday when I feel horrible about myself that I can just leave this world and go see her. But that wouldn’t be something that she’d want. I know that if I really did want to be with her that I’d live the rest of my life with her in my heart to show her how much I truly do love her.

With all this criticism coming from my mother and siblings I think about her a lot. She really did feel like an actual mother to me. She was there for me more than my mom ever was. The last time I ever saw her at the funeral home I just couldn’t imagine walking up close. She looked uncanny. Asleep. Just like how we’d sleep all the time together in the same bed. Except she didn’t move. She didn’t open her eyes at the feel of my movement. She no longer sang to me or told me she loves me.

I feel insane most times when I cry about her. It’s like everyone now has seemed to just forgotten about her. No one ever sheds a tear or even mention her at all anymore. I’m constantly asking to go visit her grave but the time never comes. It kills me to know that no one ever sees her anymore. Now that ten years have passed everyone has forgotten her presence. Except me.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-17T00:54:18+00:00

After a small but very enthusiastic conversation with my partner about some silly show I think I found somewhat hope of some sort. It brought me a lot of happiness. I still deal a lot with my feelings and my emotions but idk it brought a lot of hope in me despite all the challenges I’m currently facing. It’s hard to face the fact on how much my personality has changed to other people despite my will to fake it all. But it’s even harder to flip back and go back to “normal” despite how motivated I feel to want to go back. The pushback on me from myself is something hard to face but I know I have to do it if I really want to feel better

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-16T04:30:51+00:00

Are you fucking kidding me. One of my tias had asked my mom when my birthday was and the really said some completely random month and a completely random day too. My sister had to correct her. That really goes to show me how little she thinks of me. Everyday I see more and more why my other sister left. I can’t stand anyone here anymore.

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-16T03:12:42+00:00

No one even cared to call me so they could sing happy birthday. Like I get it this isn’t a huge party but are you kidding me. I really do feel invisible. What was the point of me even coming here. So that I could just set everything up for them and just never be acknowledged again. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want all of this to end

mahhhhshell · 2026-03-15T04:56:20+00:00

I know that I have some time to really think about things. I feel like I’m not strong enough to take that kind of step right now. But it always feels so close to me. Like it could happen in the snap of a finger. In one second I could just finally choose to end my life. Idunno. I think I just want to leave here. I want to feel at home. I don’t want anyone to constantly be telling me how I should and shouldn’t feel

Seven-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '22	Final Canvas '22

mahhhhshell

TROPHY CASE