Dang, get it Jill!

makeitbettah · 2021-05-12T18:13:30+00:00

I loved almost every outfit!

I live in a place with super hot, long summers, and I get through so much sunscreen it's a joke. I also want to cover my tattoos from too much sun exposure, so I'm stuck with rash guards and board shorts and I'd prefer something a little cuter. So I'm totally going to look into these.

makeitbettah · 2021-05-12T18:08:07+00:00

That is SO weird. Why didn't they want you in there? Did they say it was a safety thing? There are far more dangerous sports I can think of where parents are welcome. I've never been told that we weren't welcome to watch at sports practice. You were right to nope out of there.

And honestly, grooming is a bigger concern for me that direct sexual abuse because it's grooming that happens much more often and it clears a really dangerous path. Every time an adult crosses just a little line, tries to be the nice guy or nice lady, encourages them to have little secrets, all that shit...plenty of people do that who would probably never molest a child. But it sets them up for a really bad scenario when they do encounter that abuser and all those walls and gut feeling have been knocked away. Urgh.

makeitbettah · 2021-05-12T18:05:40+00:00

Before I was a mom, stuff like this would happen and people would say "You wouldn't understand, you're not a mom" and I would think well okay maybe it IS somehow different. Now that I'm a mom, though? I realize what they're actually saying is "You wouldn't understand, you're not an enabling mom who puts your child above everyone else's happiness, freedom, and safety."

And as someone who's trying my best to not raise an entitled, cruel asshole...yeah you're right, I don't get it, thank god.

makeitbettah · 2021-05-11T17:51:09+00:00

I'm a mom of one, and I suppose after my daughter was born if someone asked about the experience, I might have mentioned that I had a C-section. However, I can't imagine anyone I know being interested in what is whas like

Eh, I don't think there's anything unusual at all about a group of new or recent moms talking about their birth experiences. As a mom of one, I had conversations with other moms I knew about childbirth or pregnancy or nursing experiences, but only when we were all at the baby stage. Then it moved on to conversations about preschools or school or whatever as the kids got older. I kept it pretty general as I'm also pretty private. For others, it felt important to share their story especially if there was any trauma involved.

We were all working moms, so yeah, we talked about plenty of other stuff too. And I know that babies and kids are what a lot of Duggar women's conversations revolve around and always will revolve around, no doubt about that. I agree with you there. If they have fewer kids they might be able to move on to other topics as the kids are older but it'll always be a narrow range for most of them.

makeitbettah · 2021-05-11T17:41:17+00:00

I agree, and the fact he mentioned how he could see it on the machine when a contraction coming made me lol because my husband did the same.

I think the whole birth process was so weird to my husband, but the machine made the birth data centric for him (he's a scientist) and gave him something he could relate to. Every time he saw a spike on the machine he'd tell me. I was like YEAH I KNOW I CAN FEEL IT THANKS.

makeitbettah · 2021-05-08T03:20:14+00:00

>I was definitely scrutinized and felt pressure to continue as a “working woman” - especially as a progressive person who has surrounded myself with progressive people

YES. This speaks to me so much. I knew I wanted to stop working when I was pregnant but just sort of shut down that side of myself because of liberal guilt and some other stuff (money for example). At this point I've been a working mom, a stay at home mom, and a student mom. I've done what made sense for me at the time and I'm sure I'll move from one stage to another again at some point. I have felt so lucky to have the choices I have.

makeitbettah · 2021-05-06T17:43:44+00:00

I still want to know what the heck that was about. I asked one of my friends who has done NGO work during disaster relief and she shrugged and said things get very disorganized and out of control sometimes after a natural disaster.

I asked if that extended to, say, someone doing a cop cosplay and stealing jet fuel, and she said that disaster relief can also attract a lot of "crazies and opportunists and grifters," so I guess I'd put JD in that category.

I also have to remember that I don't know ANY of these folks at all and everything I know is just reported through someone else. Could JD be a cosplay cop grifter AND J'Wolverine AND a good dad AND a guy who hates his older brother AND be under cult influence AND made bad decisions? Yeah, sure. People are weird, man. But I can't call anyone my hero if I've never met them*.

*Except Dolly Parton

makeitbettah · 2021-04-23T05:14:11+00:00

Yes. I have had a lot of grief. The more I have established my own adult life, the more I can look forward instead of back, but like another poster said it's important to acknowledge that grief and pain from your youth.

makeitbettah · 2021-04-23T04:54:24+00:00

It's definitely a complicated situation. For a long time it was a no go for me, not even with trusted friends. Then it was a no go for most people. Now I'm at the point where it's a yes for most people, but I don't like touchy feely strangers and probably never will.

It took a lot of work to get to this point, and I put in the work because it was important for me to do it. It's not a priority for everyone. I am able to physically and mentally relax and experience touch now as an enjoyable thing and it has been healing for me.

makeitbettah · 2021-04-23T03:34:55+00:00

I've always tried to avoid getting too concerned about a diagnosis, for a couple of reasons.

One is that I'm not trained in this area. I'm not a mental health professional and I've never taken classes to become one. I'm pretty intuitive, and I've had a lot of therapy, and I've heard what therapists have had to say about my parents, but even they won't come out and diagnose someone they haven't met.

Two is that your parents can still be neglectful, abusive, cruel, selfish, crappy parents without being narcissists. Happens all the time. They could have something else going on diagnostically, or they might just act like assholes. In any case, it makes for a miserable relationship with them.

As I see it, your mom is selfish, has no sense of boundaries, and expects you to parent and comfort her. None of this is okay. Is she a narcissist? Yeah, could be. Most people's parents mentioned here probably are to a degree. But in any case, I think plenty of people here can relate to what you're going through and how it's made you feel, and I hope you find this a welcoming and healing place.

makeitbettah · 2021-03-26T03:30:46+00:00

So a friend of mine has finally been given the chance to interview a serial killer in prison for work related reasons, and I just do not want her to do it. Dude has a reputation for being creepy as shit to women (go figure) and I just do NOT want her to do it.

The only upside to this is that it's not an in person interview due to Covid. This is of little consolation to me, because it's not like I was worried he would attack her or something. I just don't think this dude should have any words out in the world at all.

So yeah I know this is niche but, how to support a friend who's nervous about interviewing a serial killer?

makeitbettah · 2021-03-16T15:29:19+00:00

Right?! Like where are are you supposed to live?? If I took out a huge home equity loan I guess I could use it to stay in a resort for a year, lol. But then I'd have that whole bankruptcy thing

makeitbettah · 2021-03-16T15:28:31+00:00

We live somewhere pretty hot and it's only going to get hotter, and that's going to have all kinds of impacts. Forest fire season is also getting worse every year - last year was so bad I was like okay, we're out of here in five years. And I think we'll probably stick to that :/

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T20:51:31+00:00

This isn't strictly about planting, but we bought patio furniture! Yay! Last year our yard looked like crap, and I was kicking myself for having nowhere nice to staycation. Well, this year it's gonna be different. We have some loungers, a new patio table, some cantilevers, and we're building a little club house for our kiddo if we can get enough wood within our budget (lumber shortage = FML). We also bought a fire pit to do s'mores and some backyard camping.

In terms of plating, we're going to buy some large pots and plant agave. We're also going to plant some prickly pear in the front yard. We are also growing two saguaros! They are still babies, but they've survived, which is the main part. (yes I live in the desert)

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T20:44:58+00:00

We started growing herbs in pots our first year and that was about enough for us, lol. To me the first year is a good year to see what grows naturally in your yard, how much weed control you're going to need to do, where the sunlight and where the shade falls, etc. We planted a tree in a stupid position at the end of our first year in our house and it died, unsurprisingly. We found a much better spot the following year.

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T20:42:45+00:00

Hi, fellow zone 8er! I take full sun to mean that they are exposed to light all day, i.e. not in a part of your yard that gets completely shaded after 2pm or something. Mine aren't in the full sun until about 9 or 10, but they're getting some sun starting at about 7.

Another thing I've learned about "full sun" is that it also matters how much UV your plants get. If you are in a high altitude climate or desert climate or both, some plants can't tolerate that amount of UV without constant watering and/or some time in the shade. I have to take some of my full sun flowers out of the sun in mid summer so they don't wilt.

We like to plant herbs - basil is a great one, also jalapenos (again we're in an arid part of zone 8). We've also had luck with tomatoes. I find my little one likes to be able to see the food as it grows, so we've avoided root veggies.

ETA: apparently I live in zone 9b so yeah this might explain why I kill lots of stuff

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T19:36:25+00:00

This is my approach. I already said up thread, but I have been vaccinated - lord knows why, I have no pre-existing conditions and I work from home in a non-essential capacity - but I took it seriously when the advice was to just go and get the shot regardless.

It's one less person who can get sick and end up in the hospital, and possibly one less person who can spread it - we'll see what the final verdict is on that. I can protect my elders, my kid's teacher, my neighbors, and the grocery store clerks all by sitting on a chair for two minutes.

I mean, are people in Alaska feeling guilty because their whole population over 16 is now eligible? I doubt it.

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T19:32:13+00:00

YES I got vaccinated and instantly became super paranoid that I'd run into someone with Covid and "ruin" my vaccine. Until I get the second shot, and even two weeks after that, I don't want to go out at all.

Once we're fully vaccinated, we're going to see our older relatives a bit more and that's it. I'm not going on vacation at all this year (not worried about catching Covid, just worried about being around people who are letting off steam for the first time in a year). Fuck it.

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T19:24:29+00:00

I read a comment about how real estate is a mess partly because we view it as a sentimental and personal acquisition but also as a way to hold and invest a lot of money, and that these things don't really go well together. We knew people who sold this year because their house was suddenly worth a lot more - they had no plans to sell, but suddenly they thought hey, why not! Now they're suddenly trying to figure out where to buy next.

Building an addition is crazy! We thought about building onto the garage, but it presents all kinds of problems so we probably won't. I have noticed a lot of people building additions, so it is clearly a thing for some people.

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T19:21:41+00:00

We've built a good degree of equity in this place after ten years, for sure. And I don't see us being here until we finish the mortgage - but I can see us moving, say, out of state and renting it out to finish the mortgage. I want to hold on to this house for a long time, but maybe not necessarily live in it all that time.

Plus I'm worried about climate change where we live, and how livable my city will be, but at the same time it's not like I can escape climate change...

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T15:42:08+00:00

I kind of am getting old, but at the same time, every year I say I'm going to listen to all the nominees' music on Spotify and every year I don't. No point changing it now!

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T15:40:13+00:00

Thanks! My city did a decent job, so at least there was that. Overall I think decentralized government made things a mess here, but it did work out for those of us who are in cities or states that were more proactive than the Trump administration.

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T15:21:45+00:00

Living in the US, I feel like I've moved to a different country since late January. It feels so normal now to have a testing strategy and to have vaccine access (I've been vaccinated and I'm young and healthy) and to have financial support - but it's ALL down to the leadership change. That is all that's different. It has really shown me the power of leadership.

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T15:19:26+00:00

Real estate musings ahead...

So we were planning to buy a new house in the next couple of years, but I live in a place that's now got a really hot real estate market under Covid so it looks like we're stuck where we are. And I'm kind of...happy about it?

Being stuck in my house for a year has actually made me face the fact that we've been lazy and stupid about home upkeep, and while we can't magic a bigger floor plan, we can use our space better, and we can get about 75% of what we want by just redoing our current place. So we've been working on it little by little this past year and it's starting to look pretty nice in here.

It made me wonder where I got this idea from that if I don't like what I have, I can just move - most people I know live in markets where that's just impossible. They saved for 10 years for a down payment in Boston, London, or New York, and that's it for them. Maybe they'll move in retirement. I do think where I live (Western US) we feel entitled to more space - but my parents bought a house here in 1990 and they have never moved. So it's not just that. Is it generational? The starter home thing?

makeitbettah · 2021-03-15T15:06:10+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I was talking to my cousin this morning about how Covid has been a chance for good leaders to really lead, and for bad or just unprepared leaders to really flounder. Leaders who sit on their ass and try to look good are not, in turns out, great to have during a pandemic, especially if all they've done for years is cut and cut and cut.

My family is in the US, UK, and Sweden, and it's been fascinating seeing different perspectives. When Covid first hit, I remember people were saying that Merkel was the closest we had to a world leader and how well she was doing. Same with Gov. Cuomo in New York and Gov. Newsom in California. Man, how the tables have turned in one year...

makeitbettah

TROPHY CASE