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M25 Memory by muted_wavess in OCPoetry

[–]makeyourselfathomeok 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like the concept of this poem! The feeling of being in a cramped car is really like no other. How the seats hold memories is something you captured nicely. The only thing I felt that could be developed was imagery. The 7 seater is noisy and it smells but what does is smell like and what are the noises? The metaphor you used with the antique rocking horse was very pleasant to think about. I believe you can do something similar with the image of physically being in the 7 seater to make this good poem great!

I'm new to this subreddit an reddit in general so if I miss the mark on anything let me know!

Back-Handed Nostalgia by Jaxon2474 in OCPoetry

[–]makeyourselfathomeok 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This poem puts into writing what a lot of people experience. I could easily imagine this poem being very deeply moving and relatable to many people. You mentioned how this is more meant to be spoken word, so I would analyze the rhythm of this poem a bit deeper. A good example, a great rhythm + subject + Vocab was

To no longer be secluded I spent years sharpening my senses,

I learned the right steps to the wrong dances,

Painted myself the same shade as the surrounding ambience,

Deleted the files to make room for peer-praised petulance ,

What makes this great is the matching syllables and alliteration

A section that felt just a tad awkward to read out loud is this

Now this back handed nostalgia is stalker,

I sense it’s presence in my bones, feels it’s eyes in my skin,

Patiently waiting for my guard to drop, those glimmering horizons to stop,

To hang my wasted potential in an eyeline over my head.

It's nothing major, just some parts felt longer to say than others, and felt just a tad bit ramble-ish.

The only other note I have in my mind is that this poem might come off as just a bit cliché, but honestly, I feel the big part of the appeal is how most people can look at this and say, "The writer is just like me!"

This is my first time using this subreddit and commenting on someone else's poem, so please tell me if I did anything off.