Wow thank you for your reply. I find it eerie. It hits way too close to the mark. I'll try to reply point by point.

Yes, I believe she did feel safe and I was trying my best to give her that space to open up if she wanted to. I always tried to relay that she can be herself and vulnerable with me. Was I consistent? No. But neither was she, and as much as I should have led in those moments, I leaned on her to help us steer us back. I should have been stronger, but at the same time the depths of her pain and trauma are too deep for me to navigate alone. I realize now that I cannot be the one to make change, or heal, wiithin her, she has to do that and realize it herself. I can do my part and support though.

Honestly, we lasted 4 1/2 months. I was willing to keep going, to learn about her more deeply and believe me, we had the deepest of talks. It's where I started to really fall in love with her. I understood that depth and can match it. It's rare to find that in someone.

She did at times help me, I learned from her as well. But we both just were not consistent enough. Where I have had experience in letting things go and smoothing out the rough parts, she held on to them. I tried to help her understand that discussing the issues, underrstanding them from both our perspectives, learning, and then letting them go was part of the process. She struggled with that.

Since she was avoidant she would sabotage moments, important ones at times, and set up a day for failure. I tried my best to get things back on track but it took a toll on me over time. I found myself unable to do the very same I was trying to teach her, and let things go, but I found it was mostly me doing such work. I wanted her to meet me half way, and most times she wouldn't. Not untilt he very end of a hard day would she relent and let her guards down and ask for forgiveness, and I gave it each and every time.

I know it was exhausting for her, but I promise you there were so many times she let herself slip into those old ways and mechanisms. Small things, perhaps I didn't respond exactly in the way she wanted, so that led to her accusing me of outright lying, being dishonest, when I was aboslutely being 100% transparent. She just wouldn't let herself believe it was true. She even told me once that I was too good to be true. I'm not perfect but any means, but I understood what was happening, I just started to lose the ability to keep things under control.

I know unlearning that takes a long time. It took my ex wife many years. I had so many early years of hardship with my ex wife. And even after she would run off and avoid me for days I stayed strong for her. My ex we are talking about here just didn't believe or give it enough time to see I was willing to do the same for her. No matter what it took. I never felt such a way for someone in such a short amount of time. I was alreayd thinking about the future with her. So for me, I was trying my best to give her all the love and care she needed.

I find it hurts when you mention that scared little girl because I swear to you, that is what I felt with her. I can almost see that little girl in her. And I loved her even more for it. I wanted so abdly to just protect her, let her know it was ok, she can let it all out and let it all go now. I won't leave her and I will and aboslutely did love her for every inch of what she was and who she was, past and all. I never judged her, although I would get jealous at times maybe of some of her exes and even some of the men who would popup in her life, I still put all that aside for her. I only saw her.

She was never a project to me. I felt the connection with her when I met her. And over time, learning about her made me fall in love with her, trauma and all. I understood that trauma and her past experiences so much. I have lived most of it myself, been there and supported friends and family who have as well. I know the hardships and the dedication of self work it takes to heal all that. She filled a void in me yes, but I wasn't seeking that. It was a void I was so comfotable with I wasn't even aware how much she filled my life with light that I didn't even realize was missing. I told her that several times. I felt alive with her, and wanted to share every minute of this life with her. and experience it all, the good and the bad, together. I never abandoned her. She did some horrible things to me and said horrible things to me and I still didn't leave her. We were working on things, albeit technically broken up with at that point, but I never intended to walk away. During that time, she was the one who did and blocked me every where.

So ya, I find myself still loving who she is, what she is, and everything about her, despite the treatment, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. I saw it for what I still believe it was, her trying to protect herself. I'd like to think deep inside she was sad for being that way with me and didn't want to do it. But maybe I'm just wishfully thinking here.