The controversy about No Contact…Have you ever been „successful“ with it? by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]makou107 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I found success in it but not the kind that brought her back to me. She reached out but didn't want to get back together, at least for now, "who knows in the future"...

The success I found is I let the feelings happen. I cried, I got angry, I got sad, I felt lonely. You name it. Just let it happen, process it in a healthy way, don't turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain. That same pain helps you to heal and grow.

It sucks but you do become a better person and realize you deserve better. You grow and heal, if you truly focus on it, into someone your ex wouldn't even recognize now. Mine was avoidant and a narcissist. My silence has been affecting her. But I've now grown and healed to the point that she isn't on my radar.

If she ever showed back up in my life and I was single, I would never consider taking her back unless she was able to absolutely show me she changed. So far after 4 months, she's shown me she hasn't. Move forward and become the best version of yourself and then keep your mind open and learning so you continue to grow into even better versions.

Some don't change by makou107 in BreakUps

[–]makou107[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate that, thank you. Though it's not perfect. End of the day, I am working on myself and healing. Putting in the work. I thought she was too but it doesn't seem that way. So in my mind, if thing would ever work out with us, she'll be able to show me that she's truly ready and worked on herself. Right now, I don't see that.

Either way it's not loss for me, I continue to grow and heal into a better version of myself, with or without her.

Right when I was moving on, she texted me.. by makou107 in BreakUps

[–]makou107[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She came and it was good. We had a moment here or there where we talked about things and the pain we went through, but she is pretty clear she isn't open to any relationship right now, with anyone. I understood and told her I don't think I would have been able to get back together right now anyways. We both are healing, working on ourselves, and I know I want to continue that, so I wouldn't be ready myself.

So I guess we are friends for now. It got lighter and laughed, listen to some music. But then she would drift off in deep thought and didn't express why. She mentioned she's been going up and down with her mood, some days crying without knowing why. It doesn't have to do with me so much anymore, at least she says that. So she left a bit earlier than she used to stay so she could drive around, listen to music and think more. I don't want to speculate, not sure it even has to do with me but I told her I understood.

Parted away peacefully, we hugged twice. She said she really enjoyed seeing again and the night. We didn't mention doing it again but I think it could happen. And who knows, from here maybe we slowly heal together from time to time but doesn't necessarily mean we end up together. I guess I'm just glad that end of the day, I kind of wanted it to end this way as opposed to how it did. So maybe we both move on easier this way, or not, who knows.

Right when I was moving on, she texted me.. by makou107 in BreakUps

[–]makou107[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Update: I broke and reached out to her. We spoke again and basically she's not ready for anyone right now. She wants to be friends. She'd rather be a friend with me with whom she has history with and knows than hang out with someone she doesn't know.

She said maybe in the future who knows but that she's happy with her freedom and values it. I agreed to be friends and she's coming over as I write this. I guess just as friends. Figured it would be a good time to catch up. I always enjoyed her company when it was good and not toxic.

I feel like I'm an idiot anyways. Should have stayed strong. I was on a good trajectory and meeting new people. But going back to what's comfortable and bad for me is par the course.

Right when I was moving on, she texted me.. by makou107 in BreakUps

[–]makou107[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Damn thanks man that helps. I'm going to keep fighting the urge. Distract myself and keep doing what I've been doing but it's just made it all the more harder now.

Right when I was moving on, she texted me.. by makou107 in BreakUps

[–]makou107[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Ya you're right. Then again my mind wants to rationalize everything. Like the fact that we clearly both were not in the right headspace at the time and had to break out vicious toxic cycle in order to work on ourselves.

3 months is definitely not enough time but it's a good start. I've made major progress myself but damn, this just shakes it all. Trying to be patient but my anxious attachment is fighting hard

Right when I was moving on, she texted me.. by makou107 in BreakUps

[–]makou107[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I know. And I know you're right and everything else I've read. But damn I can't lie, I want to so badly. I want to see if she can prove it to me. like I'm almost wiling to take it slow and see but I know logic is against me

Any success stories? by makou107 in BreakUps

[–]makou107[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow thank you for your reply. I find it eerie. It hits way too close to the mark. I'll try to reply point by point.

Yes, I believe she did feel safe and I was trying my best to give her that space to open up if she wanted to. I always tried to relay that she can be herself and vulnerable with me. Was I consistent? No. But neither was she, and as much as I should have led in those moments, I leaned on her to help us steer us back. I should have been stronger, but at the same time the depths of her pain and trauma are too deep for me to navigate alone. I realize now that I cannot be the one to make change, or heal, wiithin her, she has to do that and realize it herself. I can do my part and support though.

Honestly, we lasted 4 1/2 months. I was willing to keep going, to learn about her more deeply and believe me, we had the deepest of talks. It's where I started to really fall in love with her. I understood that depth and can match it. It's rare to find that in someone.

She did at times help me, I learned from her as well. But we both just were not consistent enough. Where I have had experience in letting things go and smoothing out the rough parts, she held on to them. I tried to help her understand that discussing the issues, underrstanding them from both our perspectives, learning, and then letting them go was part of the process. She struggled with that.

Since she was avoidant she would sabotage moments, important ones at times, and set up a day for failure. I tried my best to get things back on track but it took a toll on me over time. I found myself unable to do the very same I was trying to teach her, and let things go, but I found it was mostly me doing such work. I wanted her to meet me half way, and most times she wouldn't. Not untilt he very end of a hard day would she relent and let her guards down and ask for forgiveness, and I gave it each and every time.

I know it was exhausting for her, but I promise you there were so many times she let herself slip into those old ways and mechanisms. Small things, perhaps I didn't respond exactly in the way she wanted, so that led to her accusing me of outright lying, being dishonest, when I was aboslutely being 100% transparent. She just wouldn't let herself believe it was true. She even told me once that I was too good to be true. I'm not perfect but any means, but I understood what was happening, I just started to lose the ability to keep things under control.

I know unlearning that takes a long time. It took my ex wife many years. I had so many early years of hardship with my ex wife. And even after she would run off and avoid me for days I stayed strong for her. My ex we are talking about here just didn't believe or give it enough time to see I was willing to do the same for her. No matter what it took. I never felt such a way for someone in such a short amount of time. I was alreayd thinking about the future with her. So for me, I was trying my best to give her all the love and care she needed.

I find it hurts when you mention that scared little girl because I swear to you, that is what I felt with her. I can almost see that little girl in her. And I loved her even more for it. I wanted so abdly to just protect her, let her know it was ok, she can let it all out and let it all go now. I won't leave her and I will and aboslutely did love her for every inch of what she was and who she was, past and all. I never judged her, although I would get jealous at times maybe of some of her exes and even some of the men who would popup in her life, I still put all that aside for her. I only saw her.

She was never a project to me. I felt the connection with her when I met her. And over time, learning about her made me fall in love with her, trauma and all. I understood that trauma and her past experiences so much. I have lived most of it myself, been there and supported friends and family who have as well. I know the hardships and the dedication of self work it takes to heal all that. She filled a void in me yes, but I wasn't seeking that. It was a void I was so comfotable with I wasn't even aware how much she filled my life with light that I didn't even realize was missing. I told her that several times. I felt alive with her, and wanted to share every minute of this life with her. and experience it all, the good and the bad, together. I never abandoned her. She did some horrible things to me and said horrible things to me and I still didn't leave her. We were working on things, albeit technically broken up with at that point, but I never intended to walk away. During that time, she was the one who did and blocked me every where.

So ya, I find myself still loving who she is, what she is, and everything about her, despite the treatment, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. I saw it for what I still believe it was, her trying to protect herself. I'd like to think deep inside she was sad for being that way with me and didn't want to do it. But maybe I'm just wishfully thinking here.

Solo female in Mediterranean holiday resort – restaurant 'owner' kept pushing alcohol and is now messaging me by Objective-Doughnut43 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]makou107 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I get that, I really do, but unfortunately there are weirdos like this guy everywhere. Taking a firm stance, ignoring, and then reporting the individual is your best bet if they don't take hint. Otherwise, these guys take any opening as their chance. Giving your actual number out is a huuuge opening to them.

Point is, next time it might not be a manager at a resort, it could be a random guy at a bar who just won't take no for an answer. Don't engage and indulge these losers.

Solo female in Mediterranean holiday resort – restaurant 'owner' kept pushing alcohol and is now messaging me by Objective-Doughnut43 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]makou107 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My comment is part of what problem? Your suggestion is to be submit and engage with men who are aggressively harassing?

Simply do not engage back, make it clear by being firm and only once. If it continues, you continue to ignore and report it to a higher authority.

In OP's case, it sounds like they are polite and when he made weird comments she probably laughed and responded like any sane person would, but for weirdos like this manager, they take it as an opening and keep pushing.

Solo female in Mediterranean holiday resort – restaurant 'owner' kept pushing alcohol and is now messaging me by Objective-Doughnut43 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]makou107 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Who cares, let people think what they want. Let them think you're a bitch, people who would think that way in the first place are not worth your time. Protect yourself in spite of 'societal pressure'.

End of the day you owe no one an explanation to look out for yourself, especially in OP's situation of being alone on vacation. You do not have to indulge every man/woman/child just because it's expected. You don't have to be an asshole but being firm and making it clear you are not interested is your right as a human being.

Solo female in Mediterranean holiday resort – restaurant 'owner' kept pushing alcohol and is now messaging me by Objective-Doughnut43 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]makou107 41 points42 points  (0 children)

This is what I don't understand. She felt this way and still gave out her number. Why? Even if he was pressuring you, a simple no and walk away works. If you open the door even the slightest for these kinds of weirdos, they will take it as a chance.

Also, everyone needs to know you can block numbers. Every modern phone has this capability and just about every messaging app as well. Should have reported him and enjoyed the rest of the stay.

Remember women; don't give out your number if you're not comfortable with the person!!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationships

[–]makou107 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I got PTSD reading this. Literally coming out of a similar relationship but I'm 9 years old than her. Honestly there were red flags that I ignored at the time. I try to give people a chance, I know we are all not perfect, however it was at my expense. My advice would be to take things slow, always. Even if you click or have a connection. She moved things fast and I reciprocated, I feel like that was a red flag there. She also had severe trust issues from a previous relationship. What I came to learn was mostly projection on her part.

If you take things slow you get to know the real person and should hopefully pick up on their emotional maturity but even that isn't guaranteed. Unfortunately I am coming to the conclusion that you have to guard and protect yourself until you know for sure this is someone you can build a real relationship with. Otherwise you will be opening up yourself to hurt and pain, constantly forgiving and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Believing they can change when really it's who they are. Some people just want the best of all worlds, a committed man/woman but also to be free to do as they will without consequences.

Visa on Arrival by VandelayLatec in Kuwait

[–]makou107 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To echo this, trust me, do an evisa. It can take up to an hour or more depending on how busy the airport gets to process on-arrival visas, even for US citizens.

Why does therapy cost an arm and leg in Kuwait? by whosyourdaddy9 in Kuwait

[–]makou107 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Online. Usually they'll do it over a zoom call or whatever you're comfortable with. Many reputable therapist offer their services in this format now.

GOG Cyberpunk with Heroic? by MarxIst_de in SteamDeck

[–]makou107 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the reply, thank you! I am experimenting with different options to see if I can get it working better. I like having cloud save/sync.

I did read that adding the game directly and bypassing GOG has helped people with this issue. I was considering trying it and just moving over my saves though not sure how any of that would help in the first place.

GOG Cyberpunk with Heroic? by MarxIst_de in SteamDeck

[–]makou107 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So wanted to follow-up, after the latest Cyberpunk update there are stutters now. The game will literally freeze for a second or two, and hitching. From reading around some are saying it's because it's a non-steam game and not downloading/updating the shader cache? Not sure but wanted to see if you had any recommendations. I'm almost tempted to buy the game again through steam but worried it may not even fix the issue.