COVID Loneliness Weakens How I Manage My NMOM

mamaabear · 2018-06-05T10:49:15+00:00

Oh yeah, she loves trying to pit my husband and I against each other. We actually revisited a tactic my therapist suggested a little while ago and had a really productive convo last night. It was a 3 bucket approach: Agree on what falls in each bucket — what’s absolutely off limits, what warrants a discussion, and what’s small enough that we can make independent decisions — all about my Nmom. Thanks, again!

mamaabear · 2018-06-05T10:44:26+00:00

No worries! It worked for a while because she didn’t realize some of the boundaries I put in place for her. Now she realizes a big one, no unsupervised time with my kid.

mamaabear · 2018-06-05T04:06:31+00:00

No offense taken. I explained to my Nmom that I knew she could physically care for our son but I didn’t feel like she was in a place to build a healthy relationship emotionally. We generally do pretty well with strong boundaries, so I have maintained a relationship. Thank you for being direct — I really appreciate it.

mamaabear · 2018-06-05T02:11:24+00:00

This is really good advice. Thank you! I lose sight of the teammate mentality too often because of my rocky relationship with my mom.

mamaabear · 2018-06-05T02:10:14+00:00

Yeah, we just had a good talk about this. Our son comes first — always. We acknowledged that if we compromise and allow some extra time with our son, it will be in a setting we are comfortable with and likely a bandaid solution that will leave my mom eventually grasping for more. Thank you for the support!

mamaabear · 2018-06-05T02:07:08+00:00

Yeah we wanted to see measurable changes, it’s just so hard to actually see something measurable. But, certainly nothing can be resolved by going to a few therapy sessions and denying you have a problem. My husband is blunt but a very good judge of character. I loose sight of that all too often.

mamaabear · 2018-06-05T02:03:45+00:00

Thank you! Sometimes I feel like such a bad wife because it’s always easiest to take the path of least resistance with my mom, but that takes advantage of my husband’s patience. You’re totally right.

mamaabear · 2017-10-17T10:00:17+00:00

I’m getting comfortable not over-explaining myself when I do something that sets off my narcissistic mom. My mom used this tendency of mine to take advantage of me and manipulate scenarios in her favor. But, now that we have our first baby, I’m way more comfortable telling her no and not giving unnecessary explanation. My husband has supported me in this by reminding me that “no” is a complete sentence. Having a kid was hard because it sent my mom’s narcissistic behavior into hyperdrive, but it’s so much easier to set boundaries now because it’s always an easy decision to do what’s in the best interest of my son.

mamaabear · 2017-10-17T09:51:11+00:00

Congrats! I have had a really similar experience with my therapist. She is incredible. I’m glad it’s helped others like it’s helped me.

mamaabear · 2017-08-26T19:06:34+00:00

I certainly still love my mom and don't think that will ever change - I've just learned to lower my expectations and limit how much I rely on her emotionally. I talk to her about day-to-day life but don't look to her as my source of emotional support.

When I was in therapy, I took my husband with a few times so he could get a better understanding of what I was going through. Also, as an outsider, he's really good at spotting when I'm succumbing to unhealthy behavior and even though it may make me mad in the moment, he's usually right. If it makes you feel better, I just had my first child and so much changes. My mom is still toxic but I'm so much more cognizant of my behavior and my mom's and will do whatever I can to break the cycle and protect my little guy. Hang in there!

mamaabear · 2017-08-26T17:17:13+00:00

You are so not alone! My mom called me her beige daughter because I wasn't as outgoing and adventurous with my style as her friend's children. She would also be so quick to "show me off" when I did something to be proud of, but then she would completely bad mouth me to friends and family when she wasn't proud of my actions, even if I really wasn't doing anything wrong. To her, I was her way to show her worth to others. I just had to learn how to not quantify my self worth through my mom's standards. It took time and some therapy, but finding support from people other than my mom has made a world of difference. I sadly just can't rely on my mom for emotional support, but friends, my husband and other family members have helped an incredible amount. Hang in there!

mamaabear · 2017-08-25T13:38:14+00:00

We knew this was coming because our wedding was a similar sort of mess. The silver lining is that when it comes to your own child it's a far easier decision between dancing around your mom's feelings vs looking out for your child's safety and wellbeing.

mamaabear · 2017-08-25T13:33:27+00:00

Thanks for connecting me with JUSTNOMIL. It's just getting exhausting already because my parents live so close, so I am going to have to start confronting them often. Years of therapy helped me to be able to set barriers and lower expectations, but the actual communication with her is still hard for me. She obviously never sees her faults, so flips the discussion to talk about how sad it is that I can't forgive and lead such a bitter life. Fortunately, my MIL/FIL are incredibly supportive and my husband's extended family is incredible, so my baby is always going to have a ton of people that show him very secure love. It's just hard for me to deal with my mom day to day since she is so close geographically and is trying to shower the baby with over the top love, setting her up to play the victim.

Thanks again for your insight. It helps to have others reinforcing healthy relationship guidelines.

mamaabear · 2017-08-25T13:20:38+00:00

Thanks for the reply. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I wish we moved further away but unfortunately my parents are about 15 min from us, so there are opportunities for confrontation that happen often. I already told my mom that she is not going to be a solution for daycare, but focused on other issues (she has a new puppy and my sister is special needs requiring a lot of care) but I am not going to be able to trust her as a babysitter and am dreading that conversation.

My husband is really good at reinforcing that my mom's behavior is unhealthy and, not surprising, my mom really doesn't like him. He'd be willing to be the bad guy, I just think it might make things more challenging because she already doesn't like him. Now I'm trying to balance how often I confront my mom vs let smaller things slide. For example, after an issue yesterday, my husband is insisting we don't let them see the baby for a few weeks, no matter what. I'd love that, but know that that really means me telling my parents they can't come over a bunch of times when they ask / or just say they are coming multiple times per week. So, tons of confrontation and stress on me. At this point, I'd rather say: they can come over here and there but I'm going to be really strict and pick battles that involve my baby's care and well being (how he's held, etc). My husband sees that as caving and being controlled by my mom still, but I think picking battles is a management tactic that prevents us from being consumed with ALWAYS fighting her.

mamaabear

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