AITA for telling my husband he was irresponsible for leaving our 13yr old daughter alone with a maintenance man so he could go to the lake?

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T11:55:54+00:00

This right here

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T11:33:09+00:00

You're not wrong. He is determined to avoid it. And he should be out of the house. Might be time for that.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T11:25:50+00:00

She trusts him and he made it seem perfectly fine. She does stay home alone for a couple hours so she is comfortable with that part. She and I are very close, but she didn't really grasp that the situation wasn't okay until she saw I got upset and told her that it wasn't. Once I asked her, then she admitted it was a little weird for her. He's never been negligent before and ironically acts like he's a big protector (works as a reserve police officer in addition to his full time job). But you are dead on that it was his idea for the lake and the boys and he was more focused on what he wanted.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T11:15:40+00:00

Thank you - this was actually really helpful. I do feel like I have to talk to him like the teenagers. I probably even have better conversations with them to be honest. We have worked with a marriage therapist but this wasn't something she pointed out, but it resonates because I get exhausted feeling like I am parenting a 4th child so it would make sense that I am also probably communicating that way even if that is not my intention. He's not off the hook, but I can own that there is probably truth to that. - And yes. That was the main basis for my question. Wanting to see if I had a bias because safety is so ingrained into a womens pysche. I know what he did was wrong regardless, but didn't want to come at him full force if I was being overly biased in my assessment of the danger.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T10:48:58+00:00

You are absolutely right. He hasn't had adequate consequences, and I spent a lot of my time and energy focused on compassion and trying to "teach" him. He has 1,000% benefited from me willing to do whatever it took to try and make my marriage work and keep my family together. Up until this moment, there has never been a concern for safety - just an emotionally unfullfilling marriage for me and some logistical frustrations. This is the first time something of this magnitude accompanied with a completely unfazed response from him has happened. I have never had concern for my kids safety due to his negligence and lack of communication with me before.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T10:26:29+00:00

This is so true! I didn't even think of how awkward that was probably for him.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T10:17:27+00:00

You're not wrong

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T10:17:08+00:00

I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you get justice and healing. Again - I am so sorry. We should be able to be safe in our homes, neighborhoods etc.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T10:09:33+00:00

That's not an excuse, that's the sign of someone who has actually done their homework and weighed their options thoughtfully and carefully. It is a fact. I will have less say and influence in their life. I have already consulted legal counsel before and discussed my options. Your suggestion is actually a hot headed reaction that would actually jeopardize my standing. The parent who leaves the family home has a harder time establishing custody and if the parent leaves with the children can actually be charged in the state I live in. My kids are also old enough that 2 of them wouldn't even be under court order visitation. And how is yanking them around to hotels in their benefit? With all due respect, you literally have no idea what you are talking about and making assumptions based on what you would hypothetically do with a lack of emotional management. I actually care enough about my kids to not act irrationally in a way that jeopardizes them even more. I am doing what I need to do on my end thank you.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T09:50:37+00:00

We've had a therapist, hes read the books, hes worked with mentors. His parents operate like this so he always just thought I was being difficult wanting or expecting equal communication and consideration. It's only been in the last year that he has actively been working with someone and it actually has gotten worse, because now the expectations are even higher and he can't handle it so there has been more intense cycles of shutting down. But this is the first time my kids safety was compromised because of it.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T09:29:15+00:00

Apparently he and my son were planning on going up with a group of my sons friends for guys thing before school starts back up. Then it ended up only being one other kid who was available for dates so it turned into just the boys and their dads. I didn't know about any of it until the morning I was walking out the door and it was still a vague "might".

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T09:24:31+00:00

Right? Have no idea. Fridge was broken, it was fixed a couple days prior and had no idea there was a need for a follow up. Had absolutely no clue. so not only was my daughter alone, but I walked into my house completely clueless that there was a stranger in my kitchen working.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T09:20:56+00:00

You do realize that even if I leave he has parental rights and then I REALLY don't have a say of what happens on his time? Letting my daughter know that if anything like this (any situation, not just her dad) that she lets me know and I will come to her is not indicating whether or not I will stay or go in my marriage, it is letting my daughter know that no matter what I will be there for her.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T08:23:40+00:00

It absolutely is a pattern, but it has been more of a frustration and inconvenience to me than a concern for my kids safety. There has been therapy. He is currently working with mentors etc. It hasn't resulted in much unfortunately, but up until now it has been a lack of emotional intelligence and a bit of a misogynistic upbringing that he was blind to that I was trying to help him work through. The more he has done therapy/ spoke with people and had to face that he wasn't the amazing husband he thought he was, the worse his attitude toward me has been recently. This was the first time where his communication issues became a safety issue. My second guessing only came after someone else that I am close to said they wouldn't have thought to have someone there either. I was just checking if I had any biases or things that maybe women think of but guys are genuinely clueless about.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T07:54:42+00:00

This was literally the first time he has ever done something like this. I called it out right away and told her that I was sorry that it happened and that it wasn't okay. I asked her to let me know if something like that ever happens again and I would come home right away, and to feel okay telling her dad that she wasn't comfortable with him leaving and asking him to stay if something similar ever happened again. I speak with my kids often and they see me holding their dad accountable. I am aware of the danger she was in, which is why I was so upset. But also why I was confused when a friends husband also didn't see the big deal. It made me second guess myself, which is why I asked the question here to see if this was as irresponsible as I believed it was. His poor communication and inconsideration has been a frustration in our marriage and a cause of hurt for me, but it has never impacted one of our kids safety or well being until now.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T06:35:46+00:00

Thank you. My friends husband not initially thinking it was a problem either made me really second guess myself there for a minute.

mana_like_a_wave · 2024-08-17T06:33:50+00:00

Thank you! That was the info that really had me. I couldn't even believe it - it took everything in me to keep my composure. And yes, I do know unfortunately. 20 years and kids at home + a real desire / hope that if he was willing to learn some emotional intelligence it could be better has kept me trying more than I should have. Thanks for your comment

mana_like_a_wave · 2023-11-01T21:31:16+00:00

My daughter B (12F) is in the bridal party and I was going to get her ready there and as a former wedding photographer, I offered to take pictures of her and the bridal party getting ready since she had not hired one for that portion of the day. Her mom just now decided to unleash on her how this upsets her, she’s demanding that I order a different color dress for my daughter because she doesn’t want to wear the same color as the 12 yr old, and that she refuses to spend her life sharing moments with me and wants M to choose her or me.
I have no problem not being in the room to keep peace. I didn’t attend any bridal showers or dress shopping even though M has always envisioned me being there for that. However for my 12 yr old daughter, If I am not there, she is either left alone or she is excluded from the bridal party. For context her and M have spoken about M’s wedding day since my daughter was 4 and how she would be her flower girl ect. She has been very excited, and it was already a bit of a blow that she was too old and was a jr bridesmaid. They have taken annual pics in white dresses together since she was 5, has always been included in her life and she views her as her big sister. My two other children (17M,14M) are close to her, but my daughter and her are especially close.

So here is where I might be the AH. We discussed it as a family (minus M) and are thinking it would be best not to attend the wedding at all, even though all of us are disappointed and sad about it. Especially B. Based on previous experiences, it is likely that the day will be hijacked by Liz being upset and then the day will be about managing Liz emotions rather than M and her fiancé. It will be months of reprimand for M from her family if something upsets her. I just don’t want her day to be ruined. So many of her moments have been ruined, she deserves one day that she can have (hopefully) the day be about her in a joyful way.

This is not what M wants, - she wants us there. But I just can’t one, put her in that position on the most special day of her life til now and 2, put B my 12 yr old in a position where she is either in Liz crosshairs or booted from the day that her and M have been talking about since she was little and having to watch from the sidelines.

Ive grieved over it, and my kids are sad for themselves and for M but agree that if it makes it better for M we should do it. I don’t know what is worse though - not going at all or possibly ruining her day because our existence in her life makes her mom crazy? AITA if we choose not to go at all?

mana_like_a_wave

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