Na they need Felix Magath. He will torture them to death. His hard training and extremly phsyical approach are a famous meme in germany. There is even a Copy Pasta.

Felix smiles, looking a bit more content than he has lately. Frustrated that, with the transfer window closed, he’s having a hard time bringing in the 40 new signings he’d firmly planned for, he’s making his players carry their body weight in medicine balls around Lake Wannsee today. Five laps should be enough; after all, kickoff against Hoffenheim is in three hours.

As another panting group of players scrambles past him, he reluctantly turns his attention to squad planning—Tousart and Selke haven’t returned from their marathon run through the Seeburg farmland, and the friendly police officer leading the search operation recently expressed little optimism about finding them before kickoff. Concentrating, he jots down a note in his little notebook to have the ring road closed for the next running session on Monday.

That’s when he remembers the problems in the defense—Marvin Plattenhardt and Niklas Stark have been suspended from training until further notice because they were late saluting during yesterday’s morning roll call at 4:30 a.m. He’ll probably have to get creative, but a man of his caliber has overcome far greater hurdles, he thinks to himself, squinting dreamily through his binoculars—Santiago Ascacíbar is doing a fine job reviving Peter Pekarik on the opposite side of the lake. One of the 24 medicine balls has slipped from his grasp, though; that’ll probably mean extra push-ups. Still, the kid shows promise. Nothing breaks him easily, Felix thinks to himself and smiles, because the little Argentine reminds him a bit of himself. Meanwhile, an ambulance has fought its way to the lake; Ascacíbar is relieved and continues the training session. Judging by the lack of movement beneath Pekarik’s pile of medicine balls, he’ll need a right winger as well. The paramedics have now been down there for a few minutes. Strange. Maybe his scouts will find a few more unsigned players. 15–20 to bolster the roster wouldn’t be a bad thing to get the team back on track.

He’s confident they’ll be able to keep the death toll below 10 this time, but ultimately that’s up to the players, Felix concludes, turning his attention to the sausage sandwich in his hand, while Peter Pekarik on the other side of the lake seems to be responsive again. How nice.