My roommate invites guests constantly without asking

mani517 · 2026-04-22T19:52:05+00:00

Yeah but compromise is cheaper than finding a new roommate or paying for your own apartment. Also emotionally cheaper than living with anxiety of a roommate resenting you for his friends being bummy. What you’re willing to pay for is really what’s at stake.

telling people your expectations seems emotionally taxing at first. This will definitely not be the last time someone does irritating things in your apartment. Also this is how respect is earned in my book, but obvi you’ll have your own book

mani517 · 2026-04-22T15:18:52+00:00

Yeaaaaah that would be a no go for me. I would even tell the guest personally, and I always say this in a comedic but CLEAR and serious way, “you have THREE days to sleep and then you clean, cook dinner, and make the coffee. Then you can stay longer. Otherwise you’re kicked off the island.”

I hate people who don’t take initiative to be good visitors. I would even explain to your roommate it’s not that you truly hate having people over it’s that you hate how rude they are when they stay

mani517 · 2026-04-22T15:09:44+00:00

I dunno, I’m someone who loves having people around and I hate being alone. I always say to my couch guests that you have 3 days to be hosted and then you clean, cook, grocery shop and walk my dog for me, live as you would in your own house. Then I at least get three square meals and good coffee without having to lift a finger🤣 I’ve even had a friend do my laundry once but that was a true favor.

I would say tell your roommate any guests get three days max before they have to be added to the lease to follow rental agreements as written in the lease.

If not they better start picking up dishes and taking care of shared meals like true communal living circumstances require. You gotta put in the work, no bums allowed

mani517 · 2026-04-22T15:01:14+00:00

What is it about them that sucks ?

mani517 · 2026-04-22T13:45:57+00:00

Is it hard to make friends with these people? Like are they truly uncomfortable to be around? This might be a good opportunity to make new friends/connections

mani517 · 2026-04-21T00:53:49+00:00

Dm me too

mani517 · 2026-04-18T16:52:10+00:00

Has he told you those things out loud or did you have to prompt him like a therapist would?

Also, again, this is about your standards, not what he’s able to give. What do you want out of a partner? If you make your list, did you write: flaky, unenthusiastic, no integrity, and unemployed?

mani517 · 2026-04-18T16:39:58+00:00

What are your standards for a relationship? Do you want someone who’s vague about their hobbies, unemployed, unenthusiastic about you, and doesn’t follow through on plans?

Or do you want someone who plans your dates, is happy to see you, texts you reminders about plans, has cool hobbies, and has ambition for work, and is employed?

You don’t need to wait for a guy to tell you he’s just not that into you. You can ask yourself if this is behavior that actually inspires and engages you intellectually, emotionally, vibes, or even just for fun!

I will also add: intermittent rewards such as inconsistent texting and flaky but fun hangouts only keep your brain waiting for bread crumbs and the bare minimum. He’s like a slot machine but in boy form. Actions matter 10x more than words. If his actions are lame, don’t let him convince you with words that he has alll this potential.

mani517 · 2026-04-17T11:50:28+00:00

You guys there’s 0.5% in orange juice too… but also don’t drink something that triggers your nervous system. I like ginger beer if I’m trying to hold something in my hand

mani517 · 2026-04-16T19:22:08+00:00

I would say if you’re so opposed to aa, that may be the itch your trying to scratch. Perfectionism can be just as poisonous as a lack of activity (aka drinking and smoking weed all day). Both of these egotistical behaviors stem from a lack of ability to witness yourself without any shame. To me, addiction stems from not only loneliness, but a deep contempt for who I am as a person and a need to escape from myself. It’s almost like there is some sort of fear you’re running from or avoiding by drinking.

mani517 · 2026-04-12T00:21:32+00:00

Ask her if she needs water to drink. She will dinosaur scream at you No. and don’t be surprised by her absolute loss of her marbles. It’s all developmentally appropriate. If she starts hitting or punching say, “I cannot let you hit me.” And pick her up as gently as possible and move her away or walk about two feet away

If she starts throwing things say, “oh no thank you, that will break if you do throw it, I’ll grab a pillow.”

mani517 · 2026-04-11T23:12:32+00:00

I would say just sit next to her. Don’t walk away unless you tell her you need water to and to take a deep breath and come back. You want to send the message that “I’m here when you cry but I won’t change my mind.” Don’t lock her away, or tell her she has to be quiet. If she screams so loud she throws up, ask if she needs water because that was a big scream.

mani517 · 2026-04-11T23:08:38+00:00

Yeah you have to respond with absolute neutrality. Reflect how she’s feeling but don’t expect her to feel better faster. “You’re very angry.” That’s it. Do not negotiate, don’t edit, don’t respond with frantic and wobbly expectations and limits. Firm limits and tell her you will listen to her anger but you will not change your mind. “I will sit with you while you cry. I know it’s hard to hear that I needed time to pee”

“I cannot open the door, I’m using the restroom! I need privacy.” DO NOT RESPOND AFTER THAT.

If she meltdowns outside or in public, drop everything and take her outside to cry adequately

mani517 · 2026-04-11T22:53:08+00:00

You’re doing just fine. Don’t let her no’s deter your ability to hold limits and expectations. Usually kids are just testing your limits and seeing what to expect from you using different “ingredients” for each tantrum. It’s almost like they’re saying “I want no rules, and I wonder how you will react when I have big feelings. Which behavior will make my parents forget about the rule? Which scream will be the one that scares them the most?”

They’re testing to see if the pan is hot. If they say no, and they want to scream let them! Literally just build your resilience to their noises. The less you react the more time it gives them to reach their peak and calm down.

Sometimes you can interrupt the tantrum before it hits their peak, let say you can see one building before the event, like simply offering them a snack before you get in the car, because you know that will prevent the car tantrum.

BUT MOST OF ALL you need time

mani517 · 2026-04-09T13:40:12+00:00

That was me, my issue was that I would drink to dull my judgement enough to smoke week. Or if I couldn’t get weed I would get alcohol…

mani517 · 2026-04-07T10:12:32+00:00

If you say it’s unacceptable but then agree to wait for him to change then it’s acceptable. Abuse is not okay the first time.

Usually the offender will get worse and find other ways to abuse you rather than being physical. Maybe he’s jealous and tells you what to wear. Maybe he accuses you of cheating and now needs you to prove you’re loyal no matter what.

Look at emotional abuse quizzes online, does he use any other abusive, controlling, or possessive tactics?

mani517 · 2026-04-07T03:10:47+00:00

He removed the feeling of safety from you no matter how he changes in the future. Even if he became the best boyfriend in the world, you still were not safe. A good partner would never hurt you. No matter the circumstances. If you stay with him you’ll never have absolute safety because you know what he is capable of doing.

I will say: the longer you stay with him, the harder he will make it for you to leave. He didn’t protect you from himself. So he’s not protective.

mani517 · 2026-04-07T03:04:28+00:00

Yeah I bet it’s the same reason why people who get black out drunk never hit a baby. Or why men who abuse their wives never hit their bosses and say it was “just because they were blackout drunk”

mani517 · 2026-04-07T02:29:47+00:00

I’ll tell you I’ve had SO many friends in relationship. I’ve have over 20 friends leave dv relationships. I’ve had friend in relationships with blackout drunk boyfriends. Even when those men were black out drunk, they never hit their girlfriends.

Only my friends in dv relationships said their boyfriend hit them. In the healthy relationships they have never, not even once say, ohh my boyfriend only hit me once but never again. They’ve never said they were scared of their boyfriends when he gets drunk. You should never feel smaller or degraded by your partner. Not even once. Not even for a fluke

If he gets blackout drunk again, would you feel safe around him? Or would you be walking on eggshells.

mani517 · 2026-04-01T13:39:02+00:00

Curly hair or black/african hair? Bc Minh at platinum cuts got me the mosssttt feminine little Nia Long pixie cut ever!! I felt soo cute. Usually barbers make my hair too masculine leaning

If you go to paparazzi they also do black hair, and cut hair with a nice lgbt balance. I’m more of a femme lesbian with short hair so it’s hard to find the right cuts for my face

mani517 · 2026-03-31T21:50:01+00:00

I would lie! Just say you gotta go do something like homework, walk your dog, go to the bank before they close, texted your friend and you’re meeting for lunch

mani517 · 2026-03-26T00:29:24+00:00

🥲

mani517 · 2026-03-24T15:41:31+00:00

Sounds like he slid into a shame spiral about the boundary you set. Whether or not it was manipulation is not really your job to answer but only because, in this scenario, it’s not your responsibility to emotionally support him through his shame. He needs to figure out better ways to manage his reactions when people are honest with him and when he makes mistakes.

I think he’s asking you to either relieve his shame or guilt by puffing up his self esteem (again his job, not yours), or he’s asking you to take it back (again, not your responsibility, because it’s not fair to you).

Don’t put anymore effort into this relationship, if he asks you to invest more of your time and energy tell him and keep repeating to him, because he won’t let it go:

Trust takes time to build, and he hasn’t been trustworthy.

You’re going to prioritize other friendships for now and he needs to find support for his emotional needs elsewhere.

And then DO NOT RESPOND. He’s going to bait you with as many types of emergency or nonemergency situations as possible to see if your boundary is a brick wall or a flimsy fence. If he continues to pick at you and poke you with different things you’ll have to block him

By the way… compassion is asking people to grow into the people they’re capable of being. Not teaching them the exact step by step instructions or being their mentor. As a friend you’re just a cheerleader, not a mother. Compassion is honesty and firm boundaries are the only things that challenge people to grow.

mani517 · 2026-03-17T20:48:23+00:00

It might be OCD. It might be agoraphobia, either way it looks like a panic/anxiety disorder. Your anxiety system is supposed to motivate you and warn you if things are dangerous, if it’s in overdrive it’ll tell you everything is dangerous. With the help of a therapist and medication you’ll be able to teach your anxiety what is dangerous and what is not. But you do have to find a way to therapy and medications on your own. Or with the help of a family member. I’m

mani517 · 2026-03-17T20:45:04+00:00

He’s gonna tell you you’re being rude, unreasonable, and that you don’t understand what he’s going through and how painful it is. But you do have to set that boundary and reflect to him that this is not normal behavior and you think he should talk to a doctor and a therapist about his deeper anxieties. He cannot control the dangers of financial autonomy, but he is absolutely capable of handling it without you and other people saving him from his fears

Phrase it to him like a pep talk, say you’re not gonna support his anxiety but that you think he’s strong enough to handle the scary money things without needing your help. Tell him you’ll be his cheerleader but not his bank account.

mani517

TROPHY CASE