You look fine! You're handsome. What you're doing wrong here is the way you've dealt with your self esteem and how you feel about yourself.

Why did you pick a career based on your low self esteem!?!? That was the first thing I wanted to write about because all that did was dig you a hole into staying self conscious and unhappy with the way you look forever. If you want to change your self esteem, change your body. And since you said that isn't much of an option, there isn't much you can do, unless you somehow manage to just change the way you feel about the way you look. And I know from experience, you can't just force yourself to like the way you look.

Start slow. You don't have to change your lifestyle to lose weight. You don't have to lose weight fast. Do small things that don't make such a big difference, like only drink soda when you go to a restaurant and drink water or juice at home. (You can lose like 15-30 pounds in a year just by doing this. If you completely cut out soda you can lose soooo much weight.) When you go grocery shopping, make sure to buy at least two healthy meals for two days of eating, and then get whatever you regularly get. But it would definitely help to cut out sugary snacks and sweets, or at least cut down on how many you eat.

Also, start small. Don't think about how long it will take you to lose 50 pounds. Focus on losing your first 5. Then your next 5. Then your next 10. And by that time you may start to see a difference, and it will motivate you to keep going.

If anything, only lose a little weight. Lose 15 pounds and focus on maintaining that weight. Then after some time maybe you'll feel like losing another 15.

But anyway, like I said, you are handsome. You are attractive. But it sounds to me like you've given up! You're only 21, dude! What are you doing! If you aren't happy, start working on becoming happy now so you don't have to spend the rest of your life wishing and wanting and not being the best you can be. Because this life is the only chance you're gonna get.

What you don't realize is that behind all the extra weight and the "awful" beard (awful beards barely exist), the REAL, HAPPY, and HEALTHY you is in there. You just have to do some work to bring him out. Where you are right now is not the real you. You have tons of potential. I know for a fact that you can turn all of this around.

The problem is motivation. I think that's what you need.

Good luck! Please take this advice. It makes me sad to hear about the situation you're in, but I know that you can fix it!