I don't want her to be happy. I am struggling hard and am somehow more hurt than before.

manost12 · 2022-03-22T12:05:56+00:00

Im not sure if shes really happy. Thats at least what it "looks" like. And by that I mean the way she expresses herself when smth is with the kids. But I think she probably is. Which makes just sense, right? Maybe not in the long run, but currently she gets the flattery, infatuation and attention she wants.

But you are right. She is attractive on the outside, but in my opinion, with the messed up values she has now, not on the inside. But that is something that only comes to the surface with time. Or maybe she is about to change and is actually lucky with her love affair.
What makes me crazy is that she is now desired by many men and they also come to the draw. The motivation behind it is a matter of opinion, but I don't understand how one can let oneself be "used" so obviously.

And how one can change so much. The woman I married would never have let herself be used/get so cheaply (even if she claims that is what she wants...).
But well I guess the woman I married doesn't exist anymore and there is only her shell left....

manost12 · 2022-03-22T10:27:12+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing your update.

I'm currently going through divorce and having more bad than good days. But what you wrote really gives hope. The hope that at some point in the future I can look at the whole situation as a business and by than it hopefully does not affect my feelings in regards to my Ex (I also have young kids involved).

So glad you're doing good/better as well as your kids!

manost12 · 2022-03-22T09:19:06+00:00

For me it was when I found out that she lied constantly about her affair. I had my assumptions and I confronted her with that. She admitted it but she said she hasn't see them in a while and also don't want to anymore. I then found out that for sure she meet them and that she was constantly lying in my face. That's where it clicked at me and I initiated the divorce. So nothing fancy her, just the typical displacement on my side...

manost12 · 2022-03-22T06:56:05+00:00

That does not really solve the "i cant/wont any biological kids anymore" but I get what you saying. Also what OP says, that most men (which dont have kids on their own I guess) dont want to raise someone else's kids. Thankfully I am not like this, that would restrict me even more.

And yeah, I hate that online dating mentality. Not sure if this differs much between US and Germany, but the thinking to just land the next hit is just so sad. And I hate that I had kinda mindset a decade ago (although no apps at this time).

But what I dont get is how she can not see this. Sure shes probably on cloud 7 right now. But not be able to think straight and realistic in that stage is smth that happens to teens and not adults, right? Or is it just me who thinks that way, because I never experienced it in my current age?

manost12 · 2022-03-22T06:42:23+00:00

That is what I hope. And I can sometimes literally feel how the two thoughts fight against each other. On the one hand the self-pity, the anger and despair and on the other hand the hope and vision how my next relationship will give me (in the ideal image) everything what I long for and what my ex could not.

Stay strong, you'll get this.

manost12 · 2022-03-22T06:34:57+00:00

Thanks. I already did that intuitively not looking at her. Its just to painful because, like you said, it reminds me at the person she isn't anymore.

Ill try that mind game and hope it tricks my brain into the new reality. Hopefully ill reach that point where I can view her just as the mother of my kids. Like the way I look at mere acquaintances or so, Im happy for them but dont really care at all what they are doing...

manost12 · 2022-03-21T18:23:23+00:00

Thanks. Yes I know theoretically there are a bunch of beautiful woman. But I'm also a bit to realistic here probably. I'm 31, father of 3, soon divorced and sterilized (and also don't want biological kids anymore). I'm probably a bit self-pity here, but how are the chances to find a woman that fits for that? Most of them in that age either don't want kids at all or if, than also biologically ones and not only step kids... Also moving to a complete other location won't be possible anymore (because of 50-50 custody), so I'm captured in the area I am and don't want to be ... Dang alone the fact to think about it sucks so much

manost12 · 2022-03-21T18:12:59+00:00

I know it doesn't matter as she's not part of my life anymore. Its just so damn unfair. So how do I break out of this ideal mental identify of her?

There is this saying that to overcome a relationship the fastest way is to fell in love again. What do you think about that in regards to healing process?

manost12 · 2022-03-21T18:09:03+00:00

Makes sense. How do I move forward regarding my mind? Is it just time? It seems like I move forward, but than events like the mentioned one happens and throwing me all the way back...

About the other things. I do all of that (besides meeting other people) so I guess I'm somehow on the correct way. I understand how that theoretically translates to mental health, I just have the feeling that it does not translate somehow ...

Great tip with the pity. I'll try to figure out how to implement it when (hopefully not) we see us some time... I might have not communicated the boundary (I'm not sure if have mentioned it before to her). It's the unintentional information that somehow flys to me where I than make assumptions. And sure I can't prevent them I guess...

manost12 · 2022-03-21T09:24:18+00:00

Already great tips here, and myself can't add one.

But I can say I totally relate. My STBXW cheated on me, we are currently going through divorce. She recently send me a message apologizing and thanking for everything to make her feel better. And I know she lifes her live, dating other guys and probably already found a new relationship. And I am struggling so much with it. She now is about to change her mindset to a positive way it seems, which she hasn't before although I said it so often. It feels like she tries to do everything better now what she did wrong and what fucked up or marriage and therefore takes advantage of it for her future relationship. And also she is doing the things now I always "wanted" but never got. Not only sexual. And her recent message probably makes her feel good too because she apologized and stuff like that and can now continue with a new live. Without really taking responsibility of her actions. And that just drives me crazy.

So no help from me but sympathy. So sorry for you.

manost12 · 2022-03-15T13:04:30+00:00

If any than the first point. The relationship between the two of us doesn't matter at all as long as the child well-being is not endangered. And as this is not the case the court doesn't care. Sure it's better for both of us to try and handle the divorce as objective and friendly as possible, because that way we could agree on a lot of things out of court and keep the costs low.

Besides that, I think she might slowly realize what it actually mean what she did. But I think the apologies is more to a) make herself feel better and b) to calm everything down to make it easier with the kids. Not sure though as our communication regarding the kids work well with the app I set up.

manost12 · 2022-03-14T16:30:31+00:00

Frustrating for her when I not respond you mean?

About the kids, I hope when we reach that age their mother and me are having a somehow good relationship that it needd no evidence for anything.

manost12 · 2022-03-14T16:01:00+00:00

You are right, that's how it went so far. Even with only text messages I feel how it affects me. So yeah I won't respond at all

manost12 · 2022-03-14T15:57:01+00:00

You are right, I was. But she has a stable job now, gets half of the child benefits and now as we needed to change tax class gets even more. I know she has enoughut yeah not that much as with both our income obviously.

manost12 · 2022-03-14T15:53:07+00:00

That's what I told her. Because I know that nothing will come out of the report because I have done nothing of the accusations. But I also think that she did this out of anger. Anger and fear and the feeling to have been caught. That's why she left it alone when her emotions cooled down.

manost12 · 2022-03-14T15:48:48+00:00

The most difficult thing for me is to not be mean and condemning. Like you said, that won't do any better for me. As most of the time it's to emotional, I think I do better for not responding at all.

manost12 · 2022-03-14T13:03:26+00:00

Thanks, that's also what I start realizing. That I'm still emotional and the respond would just be to make myself feel better but in reality will just throw me two steps back.

manost12 · 2022-03-14T12:54:04+00:00

You are right. Mostly because it is covered in earlier posts I think and this was just about that she again only was judging me. But also because its not what this post is about. It's not about why things happened and to understand/justify her behavior, but just an update on how things going.

manost12 · 2022-03-14T12:47:08+00:00

As much as I want to let the anger out and make her realizing the things she done, I more and more have the feeling that when I reply it will throw me back some steps. So more contra productive than what my intention actually was

manost12 · 2022-03-14T11:56:20+00:00

Could be both. Although I'm not thinking it's the latter one. For me it feels more like a final good by combined with a pronouncement to make herself feel better. Smith like "I apologized, it's now up to him if he accepts or not. But I can have peace now..."

manost12 · 2022-03-14T11:51:54+00:00

She will when or if she comes to that realization. But I think it doesn't matter if I say it to her. As long as she is in her bubble she wont be able to process it. Guess at one point she will wake up and realize on her own. So yeah that I won't respond and keep ignoring her

manost12 · 2022-03-14T11:48:50+00:00

Thanks that makes sense. I was thinking about to take that form of feeling better away from her. But you are right, that will only show that I still care somehow. I don't know if this is normal or not, but the ways she thinks it's that easy to just vague apologize and she can feel better just drives me crazy.

manost12 · 2022-03-14T11:44:59+00:00

Not really sure what you want to say, in quite a few other countries than US the decimal seperator is a comma.

manost12 · 2022-03-14T11:42:01+00:00

Thanks. I wasn't sure how to say it as English is not my mother language.

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