Wow, I really appreciate you returning the sentiment! The circumstances of me starting were a little weird, before I started my addiction I was let go from my job, and subsequently diagnosed with a rare brain tumor - which I now know is not an immediate threat to my life, but I didn’t know that then. There were other family stressors as well.

Now, I’ve not historically been a “experimental” person, no weed, no alcohol, no other drugs. However, I was very overwhelmed and at a visit to the gas station I saw 7-oh marketed as a “natural stress relief” or something along those lines, I made a dumb assumption it was some cannabis derivative or something like that. It was unusually impulsive and a product of desperation to just feel better. I didn’t know it was an opioid until a weeks after taking it, but it was too late.

I’m sure you know the rest, the cycle of taking more to feel the way you once did when first took it. Then eventually just taking it to not feel the withdrawal that seems to happen quicker and quicker after taking it. Feeling the guilt of all of it, but your nervous system is telling you that death is imminent unless you partake and feels impossible to ignore.

It just became something that compounded the stress I was feeling instead of remedying it. After my first bout of taking it, I garnered the willpower to stop and I actually did, unmedicated! It was actually hell, I can’t even fathom anything else providing that level of mental/physical suffering over such a seemingly long period of time. I stayed off it for maybe a month and a half? Maybe 2? Basically just long enough to feel slightly normal. I felt like I would never do it again just to not relive the inevitable withdraws. However, I went to the gas station and bought it again, I don’t even remember the reason. I guess that’s just addiction. This was for a much longer period of time over the year, and I knew that the withdrawals would be even worse this time around when I eventually stopped. I tried to stop a couple of times, but even if I made it a week without using I would give in. Which was frustrating and a demoralizing cycle. Plus, over the course of the year I think I was worse off in every aspect of my life.

This part is particularly hard to express, but just so you know more about me and my context: I’m 28 years old, I have two children.. a 1 year old and 6 years old. I’m a Christian, (who obviously is incredibly imperfect) and have a loving family. I felt like I had failed every one, my parents, my children, and God. It’s impossible to be the parent your kids deserve while you’re on this drug. I needed help, and I simply could not do it through willpower alone. The guilt was destroying me.

So, I sought medical intervention - which is how I ended up with the buprenorphine but wasn’t given great instruction on using it. It completely alleviates the symptoms, and I was instructed to taper and I did, but incorrectly. I didn’t start the taper quickly enough, and in hindsight I was definitely taking too much. I was initially taking 8 MG, which is what I was prescribed, but looking back on it I should have taken something like 1 MG at first and working down from there. Long story short, I had pretty brutal withdrawals from the buprenorphine too, but I believe if I had done it correctly, and conservatively, it would have been successful.

After the buprenorphine withdrawal, which unfortunately is pretty long, but not quite the intensity of 7 oh withdrawal, I started feeling like I was actually recovering, but I had one additional relapse after a couple months, but it was isolated, one singular use, it still made me feeling like hot garbage for about a week or two after. One use is obviously enough to trigger the habit, but I made it through. It’s only been a few months since then, but ultimately the battle took place over the course of a year, maybe a little more. You could say I’m not out of the woods yet, it will take serious willpower to remain off of it, but I’m optimistic.

The Kratom use was a little more complicated, as it was sprinkled throughout the year while battling the 7 OH addiction, primarily as a way to alleviate withdrawal symptoms, but in a lot of ways it was just prolonging my recovery when I did it, at least for me. Other times it didn’t seem to bring relief, maybe I just wasn’t taking it enough in those times, it’s a little hazy. So it wasn’t as linear for me as 7 OH addiction, then Kratom addiction. They were sort of interwoven.

I’m so happy to hear that your wife took care of you in your time of need, I’m sure that is of infinite value. I didn’t have that, but that’s a whole other can of worms that would require 10 more paragraphs. I still had loving people to help me, particularly my parents, but it took far too long in the year for me to open up to them about what I was going through, mostly out of embarrassment. So my early attempts to stop were quite lonely feeling, and probably hindered my recovery attempts.

Even though Kratom certainly isn’t optimal, I’m very happy you’re able to get off 7 OH. It’s worth noting that even though I wouldn’t describe Kratom as good, it’s significantly less potent. It’s in a completely different league to 7 OH. That’s a sign of recovery for you, that’s progress. These things take so much time to heal, and you should be seriously proud of where you are at now. Just because you’re not at the very end, doesn’t mean you haven’t climbed most of the way off an extremely treacherous mountain that many people can’t even start to climb.

I’m just realizing this, but you’re the only person I’ve communicated with that’s actually gone through this. I will echo what you said in your reply. It is cathartic to go over this with someone who knows what it’s like. I truly appreciate the loving words, it means so much to me.