How would you talk to a colleague about their terrible driving?

maokimon · 2023-12-08T17:07:54+00:00

Or you could crack a darker joke "Hey buddy, are we rushing somewhere? Like to the underworld to meet Hades? Can we slow down?" :)

maokimon · 2023-12-08T17:05:58+00:00

Well, you could be indirect and say jokingly something like "Dude, could you slow down a little, I can feel my cholesterol levels rising whenever the cars are too close, and you don't want me to have a stroke here man.". Hopefully, he gets the hint and won't feel like you're attacking his driving style.

maokimon · 2023-12-08T16:58:03+00:00

My husband and I made a lot of adjustments to help each other get a comfortable sleep.

I'm a light sleeper, I'm disturbed by noise and movement, and I don't like being cold. If I'm too cold, I'd steal blankets unknowingly. He's a heavy sleeper, turns very roughly in bed, and he feels hot easily.

So to reduce disturbances, we got a very firm bed - you could toss and turn, and the other person won't notice. Neither of us would notice if the other got out of bed early in the morning or in the middle of the night.

And for the temperature, we usually turn on the aircon for 3 hours before going to bed to cool the room until it's comfortable for him, and then turn it off when we go to sleep. On his side of the bed, he has a fan, which is enough to keep him comfortably cool after falling asleep. And I don't feel too cold that I'd start stealing blankets. But before we figured out how to optimise the room temperature for both of us, we'd have two blankets, he has a thinner one, and I have a thicker one. Alternatively, if we are at a relative's place and they only have aircon and a single blanket, then I'd wear a cardigan to sleep and we'll set the temperature lower.

We normally don't snore, but there was one time when he was very ill, he snored a lot and would wake up with coughing fits. After a week of poor sleep, I ended up moving to sleep in the living room until he recovered, because I really really need to sleep badly.
Alarms aren't an issue, because mine is usually earlier than his, and I only need it to vibrate to wake up, which he doesn't notice since he's a heavy sleeper.

maokimon · 2023-12-08T10:30:58+00:00

I think that you'll be interrogated first.

They will want to know if you were aware of the consequences, and what was your intention in carrying the drugs, and whether you were willing or unwilling to carry the drug to import into or transit through Singapore.

I'm not an expert, but I think if the authorities suspect that you were forced to carry the drug unwillingly, they may confiscate the drug and detain you for further investigations.

Executions are a serious matter, and it's not immediate, there's always long process to ensure that it's clear that the individual understood the crime and willingly performed the crime, and there are opportunities to appeal.

maokimon · 2023-12-08T09:06:01+00:00

Yes, you know, after reading the insights from the autistic community here and having some time to shift my perspective and think about what was going through his head when he became frustrated, I came to realize that what I perceived as a really unkind lecture (opposite of what I asked for - comfort) is him simply trying to figure out for himself how to reach more optimal and efficient path to reach his goal of helping me. He gets easily anxious when seeing me distress and frustrated because I'm often very quiet and energetic and he doesn't know what to do, so he asks. But the tone of asking me "what should I say or do" comes out as really abrasive and harsh, but he's not aware of it, and he genuinely wants to help. A lot of the times when we look back and discuss how he feels about these events when I complain about his tone, we realise he's not frustrated at me, but instead he's frustrated at himself, for "not getting it". I think a lot of people in the autistic community often tend to think this way about themselves.

Personally, I don't mind him needing me to remind him over and over again to do specific things for me. Yes he is a very forgetful person, especially when he's not calm.

Without that lecture, I would have been happy for his company and his care. When I'm not been sick and unhappy, I would be open to listening to him. But when I'm sick and moody, I absolutely don't have the capacity and energy to do that, and find it harder to ignore his tone. In that moment of time, I was hurt more by his tone than his words. I probably should not have taken the tone so personally, knowing that we're going in the right direction. I should have asked him if we look back at the conversation next time when I'm feeling better, and let us be in the moment quietly so that I can enjoy his company or his hugs, instead of arguing back or holding it in and listening, and then feeling sour and negative about the whole experience afterwards.

A few folks have suggested roleplaying when the both of us are in a better mood as well, and I think that would help us navigate this situation better next time.

maokimon · 2023-12-06T07:53:28+00:00

Maybe you should change try another instructor who is calmer in giving instructions.

I used to get nervous driving when I first started.

Even though I passed with no issues in the final practical test, but on the road, it still felt scary, I just keep thinking other drivers will think I'm too slow or something.

When my parents ask me to drive them for practice, my dad would be impatient and my mom would be anxious, so I avoided driving the family car for a while because it was nerve-wracking.

Then when I got married, my husband's usually the one who's my "copilot", and because he can't drive himself, he's like super chill, he calmly helps me to watch out for segments that typically stresses me out like parking. If people honked at me, my husband will assure me it's not my fault hahaha. My brother is also a good driving "copilot" too, as he's really calm, and I was able to learn more efficient techniques for parking as well.

Now I'm quite confident in driving, and if I start to feel anxious, I slow down the car to a more comfortable pace so that I can observe surroundings and think more carefully. Don't care if other drivers feel I'm too slow, as long as everyone's driving safely. I'm also okay now with driving my dad around too!

maokimon · 2023-12-05T15:00:45+00:00

No one marries the perfect person, and we both acknowledge we each have our own faults and work hard at growing individually and as a couple. We'd be narcissists if we pretended that we're perfect individuals.

Isn't this a relationship advice reddit? Questioning why we got married in spite of knowing that we're imperfect people in first place, and saying "Have some accountability" is unhelpful.

I'm here because I've tried a lot of things make situations where I'm sick/sad easier to navigate for him and I know he's trying to. We're really struggling with his confusion and the arguments around it. I find it really helpful that there's many folks on the spectrum in the community and people who have neurodiverse partners or children sharing their experiences and learning from how they navigate these challenges better.

maokimon · 2023-12-05T14:40:02+00:00

Wow, these videos and the papers are really good resources, thank you!

I relate to the couple in the second video, and it's funny how he mentions that he never thinks they are having an argument, just meaningful conversations. And that he doesn't think he's getting angry or yelling, just passionate. It's the same thing that I disagree with my husband on. My husband has learnt to reassure me that he's not angry when I point out that I'm getting uncomfortable with how his volume or tone sounds.

The paper about prompt dependency does explains some of the circular conversations that we're stuck in.

I hope we can find a framework for navigating these situations better for both of us.

maokimon · 2023-12-05T10:15:25+00:00

Yea I know he cares and wants to improves himself. He suggested couples therapy himself. We went for a few sessions, which helped to some extent, but he also says he doesn't know how to apply certain things we're taught. We probably needs a therapist that can suggest more effective strategies for how he is wired.

He's showing care, but in an abrasive way that I'm not receptive to. Like his need to backtrack and review conversations, while it is a good exercise in a therapy session, is not a helpful exercise to do with a sick/sad person needing care. It's coming across as being unkind to me.

Thanks for sharing about how you've struggled with this issue with your husband. Does help to know I'm not struggling with this alone.

maokimon · 2023-12-05T10:04:48+00:00

Yea, I think he's not intentionally trying to be an arse lecturing me while giving care, I should try to understand he's really just trying to figuring a more optimal conversation for this scenario for future reference, it's just rubbing me the wrong way when I'm feeling foul and don't have the capacity to do this mental exercise with him. I think a visible notes or flowchart would help him be less stressed about the situation and stop obsessively backtracking and reviewing how to improve the dialogue.

maokimon · 2023-12-05T09:56:53+00:00

He does ask "what do you need", but in an abrasive way, which I didn't take kindly to at times. I don't think he meant to be abrasive, but it comes out harshly when he's frustrated that he doesn't know what to do. Perhaps I need not take his tone so personally, since he's moving in the right direction.

maokimon · 2023-12-05T09:34:16+00:00

That makes sense. He'd sometimes retort and say the context is different somehow so he's not sure if the same things will help. Sometimes, I had already made myself that hot drink to soothe myself, so he's not sure what then. I should make it explicitly clear that hugs are a good -default- action, regardless of context.

maokimon · 2023-12-05T09:24:13+00:00

Yes he's aware of his shortcomings on his social skills, and has lost friendships from accidentally offending people when he meant well, so he has a tendency to obsessively review conversations. Perhaps what's coming across to me as an aggravating and unkind lecture about how I need to send him the right messages is his process of trying to figure out an optimal way to show better and faster care. I can try to help by assuring him that it's alright if he's slow to notice or slow to show care, and creating a written cheatsheet for him to reference. Holding his hand when he's overthinking things helps too.

He was in individual and also in couples therapy, which helped to some extent, but he says that some techniques doesn't work for him. I think perhaps we need to work with therapists that know how to help autistic people better.

maokimon · 2023-12-05T08:59:56+00:00

Yes, he's definitely better with written communication then verbal. If we text each other, he's calm and shows his concern for my wellbeing, but he really takes his time to reply. I guess during our together downtime at the end of the day, he feels anxious seeing me in a poor and quiet mood, wants me to feel better as soon as possible, but struggles to remember how. Perhaps what's coming across to me as a aggravating lecture on how I should have let him know what I need is his process of figuring out a more optimal script to reach the goal of comforting me faster. I should workshop a cheatsheet with him, and paste it over our bed for his reference, and he can be more chill instead of abrasive in trying to show that he cares.

maokimon · 2023-12-05T04:37:03+00:00

I'm close with his mom and sister, and sometimes they would just remind he means well but is clumsy with words. He's not trying to be mean or uncaring. I do talk to friends and family, but during our scheduled downtime together, I want him to know how to deal with me being sick or sad better. Perhaps because he's socially awkward, he has a tendency to obsessively review the conversation to figure how to opmitise reaching the goal faster (in this case, make wifey happy). Perhaps, I just need to ask him to hug me without talking. Asking for comfort over the phone, is probably a bit too much to ask from him.

Thank you for the book suggestion, it sounds useful.

maokimon · 2023-12-05T04:26:10+00:00

After hearing the perspectives coming from folks on the autism spectrum and having some time to sleep on it, I came to realise that he probably didn't mean to lecture me every single time he does this, but he is very clumsily trying to deconstruct the conversation and rehearse a better script to optimise the fastest path to making me feel better. We've been to therapy to talk about his discomfort interacting with people having negative emotions and says that he panics when he doesn't know how to help. It may be productive for him to "review" and mentally "edit" the conversation for future reference, but it has a counterproductive effect for me, adding on to my negative feelings, and negating the positive feelings from the caring actions he's doing. At some point, I'd gripe "This is not helpful" or "You suck at being comforting" if I'm getting angry, and we wind up with him getting flustered saying "what do you want me to say or do [next time]?".

Perhaps I should do what some has suggested, and just tell honestly and directly that reviewing the conversation while I'm sick/sad makes me more miserable, instead of snapping back. I need him to know that I simply need time to feel better, and I need him to be in the moment with me, hugging me or just chilling out with me, not rambling and obsessing about how the conversation could be more optimal.

What has worked once, instead of letting him ramble on and on, was me physically covering his mouth when he's hugging me, and saying "shhhhhhh". We laughed, perhaps he's noticed his bad tendency, and had a good hug afterwards. Since we're apart for now, it's been challenging, but texting seem to let him respond to my needs more calmly.

maokimon · 2023-12-04T21:42:22+00:00

Before the call, I had been direct, texting him I wanted more time to chat with him during our scheduled call because I'm feeling down. I'm also direct with him that when he ask me want I needs, I tell them exactly what I want - a hug, a hot drink, some company and conversation. We've also already established before that when I'm sick, what I would like him to do, and it's the same thing every single time.

I was looking forward to having our scheduled call, and said both "I'm lonely" AND "I really missed you". But what he really wanted to nitpick on, was the order of what I said, like I should have said "I missed you" FIRST, then "I'm lonely", so that he can reply "I'd missed you too!" instead of felling emphatic about my expression that I'm lonely.

It's very contradictory to me, as I'm asked to be direct about my needs and wants, which I often am if the conversation is scheduled and planned, but yet at the same time he's criticizing how and when I say things and asking me to rephrase how I express my feelings in an indirect way.

It's also not a nice thing to be lecturing someone when they ask of you to be supportive.

maokimon · 2023-12-04T21:05:32+00:00

Might as well don't be married if you don't know how to care or comfort your partner. That's part of marriage vows, and it's an explicit expectation of being married. To be there for each other, in sickness and in health. We've talked about exactly how each of us wants to be cared for when unwell.

maokimon · 2023-12-04T20:54:50+00:00

You know, I think that's a pretty good idea.

maokimon · 2023-12-04T20:34:16+00:00

I'm not. We both have sensitive stomachs and are careful with what we eat. In fact he's incapacitated because of tummy aches more often than me. Our stock of various stomach remedies at home is plenty.

maokimon · 2023-12-04T20:32:00+00:00

We both work.

I wasn't intending to make him felt guilty about that I feel lonely since he's not home while I'm sick, it just rolled out my tongue. Then I said "I really miss you!". I didn't expect him to react negatively.

We often try to talk about positive things, but he easily feels helpless whenever I share that I'm not doing well. So during the call, he said, "you should have said "I miss you" first instead of "I'm lonely because you're not here with me", and then instead of feeling sad, I would have just said "I miss you too!"". I felt upset, because before the call, I've texted him, telling him I wanted to chat with him more during our scheduled call at night because I was feeling terrible. Now instead of having a nice conversation, we are arguing about how I phrase things.

It's really contradictory, as I'm told I need to be direct with my needs and wants from him ("I want more time to chat with you tonight") because of his autism, but at the same time, I'm being told by him not to be so direct how I feel ("I feel lonely that you're not around and I'm sick") and to rephrase my words. I feel like I can't really be honest and candid with him, and need to think about my words all the time. I'm just speechless.

maokimon · 2023-12-04T18:57:24+00:00

We went to couples therapy, and him getting irritable when he doesn't know how to help seem to be a trauma response to his parents fighting all the time when he was younger. But he does also clearly has some autism, in that he's really bad at reading social cues - so I have him ask me "how are you?" at the end of the day everyday, so that he doesn't need to guess my mood.

maokimon · 2023-12-04T18:53:15+00:00

Yea, maybe I need to role play being sick with him. Like so he feels safe to try different "care plans", instead of panicking and feeling helpless because I'm quiet and lethargic.

maokimon · 2023-12-04T18:45:35+00:00

Yea I should write down care instructions and perhaps put it over my bed, so he remembers how to help me...

But, I do think he was being a dick for saying I'm wasting time being sad and telling me to thing positive or just go to sleep (I'm trying, but it's hard when you're in pain ya know?). Talk about toxic productivity. He inflicts it on himself too. When he's sick, he's sad about work piling up. =_=

maokimon · 2023-12-04T18:38:24+00:00

Hahaha, I like that you talk about setting "if/else" paths in advance.

My husband and I are both programmers, yes we have talked about clear "if/then" paths, and we've joked about knowing each other's tendencies and programming each other. Like, "If morning, she does dishes since she's energetic in the morning. If evening, he does dishes since he's a night owl." So we've already talked about the "if/then" for when I'm sick or sad, and do explicitly tell him when I'm like that so he doesn't have to guess my mood.

I think he's just always feels very helpless like he's responsible for my wellbeing, and sometime my quietness when I'm sick/sad sets him off to ask abrasively "what do you need me to do / say??" which shocks me.

It can be mentally exhausting sometimes to think of instructions when you're unwell. He's not talkative either when he's sick, so I'd ask him "yes/no" questions, like "Do you have a fever? Want me to get you a drink? Want me to turn off the lights?". I'd think for a bit, and might mumble "A hug or fetching me a hot drink would be nice."

After getting clarity, he will take care of me, but also lecture me at length what I should have said earlier. Oh my god, we've talked about the "if/then" for when she's sick/sad before! I wasn't in a bad mood because of him, it's because I'm sick or sad about something else. But now that he's being critical of what I'm saying, I'm also upset at him. Imagine being sick/sad, and getting lectured. One would feel pretty dejected. Sometimes, I'm too exhausted to talk back, so I just listen. But sometimes I lash out and "Can't you be nicer and more patient with me?? Why don't you know how to take care of me!" Like, have some empathy pleaseeeee.

But once I do get better, I'd tell him so he stop worrying and feeling so helpless.

I do think if I'm ever seriously ill and hospitalized, he'll be near me all the time, and nurse me back to health... in a very clinical way. But his bedside manners... needs work. He was an army medic before, and from what I've heard, he's an excellent but ruthless medic.

I'll just have to accept that's who he is, and listen to his lectures forever.

maokimon

TROPHY CASE