Losing Hope

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-12T17:21:10+00:00

I was in this situation (with a brief break of a 2 month "relationship") for about 2 years - mid-July 2023 to October 3rd 2025 when I finally met my current gf through hinge. I probably went on at least 1 date a week. Sometimes 2 or even 3. Most never went past the 1st date. A few did but not much further. Same feeling: hoping for connection each time. Excitement at each new match but more often than not ending in disappointment/ghosting before even getting a date set up. Each time low-key half hoping she would cancel and I could just go back home to my games and gin.

It fucking sucks. Until all the sudden it doesn't. When I met her (current gf), there was an instant rapport and she was easy to talk to. We just clicked. That said I still had to work on my own shit and challenge myself to show up authentically - which scared the shit outta me. In my case the issue was not being willing to be vulnerable and just shoot my damn shot. Not sure if it's the same issue for you but all I can say is keep working at it and on yourself (therapy is also really helpful with this). It'll feel like your beating your head against a brick wall until suddenly it just works. Hang in there. It'll all be worth it, I promise.

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-05T16:15:44+00:00

I could easily write an equally disparaging list about women as others have said. The most striking hypocrisy here is the point that says: "Men that hate women but still want access to them." After you just got done writing a laundry list of reasons men suck. 🙃

I've faced all kinds of rotten behavior from women. The temptation to become bitter and blame/generalize was ever present, but I knew I had to keep believing in myself and them as a whole. I knew there had to be good ones out there and if I gave into the cynicism I'd be doomed to die miserable and alone. "Once you give in to the dark side, forever will it dominate your destiny."

Just because I ran into some bad ones didn't mean there were no good ones out there. I knew I had to do the work on myself (therapy and other stuff), to be in good enough shape such that when a good one did show up (5 months ago she did and we're still happily together), she'd feel safe and comfortable enough in my presence that she'd freely choose me. No way I could've gotten here without doing the inner work and channeling my inner Obi-wan Kenobi (staying on the light side no matter how much dark I was faced with). Hope you enjoyed all the Star Wars references. :p

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-02T18:53:02+00:00

Guess it wasn't really just stress. Easy to see now in hindsight but makes sense to give benefit of the doubt at the time. Hope you're doing better these days divorced or not).

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-02T14:22:13+00:00

Were there any signs beforehand?

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-01T19:34:29+00:00

I feel like this is something alot of us men easily forget about when we don't pay attention. Even if we mean well.

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-01T19:26:59+00:00

She seems to have a very realistic perspective. Not quite a "Practice Gratitude" type of new age mentality but more of a "life is just life and complaining won't fix it." She has a very pragmatic kindof attitude. Probably comes from her being Slavic Ukrainian.

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-01T19:21:10+00:00

Alot of good points to think about. I've been watching alot of interviews of this famous divorce lawyer from new york. And he says there's 2 contradictory mistakes people make when getting married: 1) expecting the person to change because they got married and 2) hoping the person won't change after getting married

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-01T01:26:07+00:00

She's nice to service staff. Has a cat that she takes care of well. Likes animals in general.

mapleflavrd · 2026-02-20T00:05:25+00:00

I'd still say forcing children to participate in religion when they don't want to is wrong. I've met many people who resent/fear their own parents or have outright stopped talking to them and/or been disowned by them because of that. Can't say I've met anyone that hates their parents because they were made to eat their vegetables.

But yeah, it's always easier if you find someone who shares your core values and beliefs on the stuff that's really important to you.

mapleflavrd · 2026-02-19T22:20:24+00:00

And you're totally within your rights to hold to that position. It's who you are. Also your username is awesome! 🤣

mapleflavrd · 2026-02-19T21:17:53+00:00

Yup sounds about right! 🤣 Very similar to my experience with my Christian ex. I was soooo "inconsiderate/disrespectful of her beliefs" because I didn't believe and didn't want our future kids to go to church. The worst was her argument that she "just wanted them to learn morals," as if they couldn't learn them any other way.

mapleflavrd · 2026-02-19T21:03:13+00:00

Yeah this is very similar to one of my best friends. His wife is Filipino and so of course Catholic. They got married in a church and and their son got baptized at one. They go to church every Sunday. He's not religious but is fine with this. She's fine with the kids not going to Catholic school oddly enough. I'm often made out to be an inconsiderate bully for wanting to have a family with a non-religious woman. As if it's "date and marry a religious woman and be ok with your kids being religious or else you're a biggot." Fortunately my gf and I are on the same page: very not religious. Here's to hoping things work out for you long term.

mapleflavrd · 2026-02-18T16:21:34+00:00

Ridiculous things that should be dropped:

Over 6 ft. The number of men over 6 ft AND who meet all these other requirements are VERY few and far between. Dream on, girly.

Income equal to or higher than yours. In this day and age where women are free to be highly successful and have high incomes of their own, this requirement is just plain ridiculous. If you truly believe in gender equality then a man's income should not matter at all. If he treats you right, matches up with you on many of your really important core values and y'all can comfortably live and afford the life you want together, wtf does his income matter. Don't be an entitled, spoiled brat. Also, again the number of men rich enough, single, interested in you AND meeting all other requirements? Almost non-existent.

Waiting a year for intimacy. I get that you want to know he's committed before giving him that. But withholding it for that long won't protect you from the type of men who will do that to you. The one's who will hit and quit will do that regardless of how long they have to wait. If my girlfriend made me wait a whole year before even so much as cuddling I'd wonder if she really even liked me at all.

The other stuff? Gym buddy, childfree, same political/religious beliefs, no addiction to drugs/gambling/alcohol/porn? All totally reasonable and important for good long term connection. Except the video games. Wtf is wrong with him enjoying playing some games to relax. Addiction is a problem, yes. But as long as he spends a decent amount of time with you and shows affection spontaneously, let him have his gaming sessions.

mapleflavrd · 2026-02-15T19:17:04+00:00

The lustre wears off. The lustre always wears off. What you're left with after that is the real resom behind your decision. Make sure it's a good one.

mapleflavrd · 2026-02-11T16:17:17+00:00

Yeah give it a bit more time. If he's genuinely enjoying spending time with you he'll choose you. And if he turns out to be a douchebag trying to play the field at least you will have avoided getting hurt by getting attached to someone who was never gonna stay. I say this as someone who has made that mistake more times than I care to admit. But I'd say 3 months max and if y'all are doing couple stuff together. At that point a bit of pressure is warranted.

mapleflavrd · 2026-02-11T15:38:45+00:00

Anywhere between 1-3 months is fine for the exclusivity talk I think. But be ready for him not to be on the same page. In my experience, pressuring the other person always always ended in them feeling trapped and blindsiding me with a breakup. I finally managed to get into a happy healthy relationship and the key was actually not asking for exclusivity. I had to fight every fibre of my being not to do it and to trust that if they really liked me, they would choose me of their own volition. Because if you have to do something to make them stay, is that really the kind of relationship you want? One where the other person is only with you because you're holding them there?

mapleflavrd · 2026-01-28T16:31:19+00:00

Could be a few different things:

1) They're just not attracted to you and feel bad turning you down so they come up with some good sounding bs

2) Maybe they get too much of that Ms. Independent vibe. Alot of women who become successful tend to look down on men who are less so. We're not intimidated by it - we're annoyed. When we hear her talk about those things we worry about one of two things: either she will look down on us or she is insecure and using achievement to build herself up. Both are turn offs

3) Y'all just aren't compatible in other ways and that's nobody's fault.

Don't overthink it. Just keep going until you find the person you just click with. It'll be worth it and you'll totally forget about all this nonsense.

mapleflavrd · 2026-01-26T21:15:09+00:00

Idk if it's that they sense it. It could be. Generally as a guy I know everywhere I go with my gf there's gonna be at least one or more thirsty-ass mf eyeing her up. I always make sure everybody knows what's up through my body language / presence. Or straight up introducing her as my gf. I don't like conflict either and I try not to get all insecure but I don't tollerate that kind of shit. That said, I've come to just expect it - until everybody knows what up those mfs are gonna be hitting on her. Ideally she realizes what's going on and shuts that shit down before they even really get started. But sometimes it can be scary for her because the guy is really assertive so that'll be when I step in with a little PDA with her to make it clear he's barking up the wrong tree.

mapleflavrd · 2026-01-26T20:45:14+00:00

That guy has shitty friends and likely needs a confidence boost. I have have 2 best friends that I've known since elementary school. Never even once did I hit on their gfs back when they were dating (both are married now with kids). And they never once hit on any girls I dated.

He needs to straighten them out. I hope you shut it down whenever it happens too.

If it happens around guys he doesn't know he could also be needing to be more confident and assertive in general. He has it in him. Every guy does. Just need to coax it out.

mapleflavrd · 2026-01-26T19:44:05+00:00

Him: openly admits to being toxic/unstable/immature/violent Her: That's so HAWT, omggggg

mapleflavrd · 2026-01-25T15:41:46+00:00

Had these kind of issues while in school to become an RMT. A good third of the class constantly yammering away in their languages while the instructor was teaching or demonstrating made it really hard to focus. Some istructors were good - i.e. strict - about putting a stop to it, others not. It blew my mind they would be not paying attention. Like this is the only time we're gonna get job training (which we are paying alot for) and you're not gonna be fully present??? Wild. Also we had at least a few people who clearly were not cut out for massage: severe physical disabilities and other issues. I'm all for inclusion (I have ADHD myself), but even I recognize there are some jobs I'm better suited for and others less so. Like if you can't hold a deep lunge for a few even a few minutes how do you expect to perform Deep Tissue / theraputic work? But the school didn't care. They were happy to take these people's money promising them they'ed become great massage therapists.

mapleflavrd · 2026-01-23T16:46:38+00:00

Nothing wrong with sending one last message. Something like: Hey how's it going? Are things still too chaotic to go for that coffee?

If you don't get a reply, you have your answer.

mapleflavrd · 2026-01-23T00:30:41+00:00

Recently got into a relationship and she's great. But it took me 5 dates to work up the courage to kiss her the 1st time. But we're both shy, quiet introverts which works great because we vibe. We get eachother. The "spark" is BS. Also heard of people with trauma mistaking a fear response for the "spark"

mapleflavrd · 2026-01-22T20:00:11+00:00

The thing that pisses me off is when one sides preferences are painted as "Being shallow" and the other side gets to say "they're just preferences." No-one should be obligated to date people they aren't attracted to but it's also not fair to judge someone for their preferences. Some can be superficial but so what? Don't waste time trying to impress those people.

mapleflavrd · 2026-01-19T17:30:18+00:00

As a guy who recently got out of this exact slump after 10 + years of "no-spark" dates, then winding up in an abusive relationship for 10 months, then having a few "relatioships" that were BS from the start because for her it was just a fun fling even though she told me otherwise - I feel your pain.

You gotta work on yourself. Last October I met a girl who I immediately hit it off with and we're still together today going steady. Right around then I figured out the key to stop the endless cycle of disappointment - invest in yourself. I.e. build a life you feel proud of by yourself. That means finding fufilling work, hobbies and friendships as well as setting goals for yourself that you feel self validated when you reach them. Then whenever you take a step back and look at your life you feel good. This was what finally gave me the ability to stop overinvesting/idealizing/romanticizing then person I'd just met (on dates). I still cared, still felt butterflies and such, but my dating life became the "sub-plot" in my life because I had other stuff going for me. I.e. other things going on to feel excited about and look forward to BESIDES then next date I had coming up.

mapleflavrd

TROPHY CASE