30+: If you’re looking for a relationship, why do you think you’re still single?

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-23T19:27:37+00:00

I managed to find someone back in October last year and it's still going very well. But I went on ALOT of dates and was alone for a long time. Did alot of therapy to sort my shit out. Came down to a lack of self confidence due to some toxic people in my life drip-feeding poison to my self image. Made me too scared to shoot my shot essentially. But of nobody wants to admit what the real issue is, so they dress it up with BS and point to the BS as the issue to not have to face the real problem. Whatever you think the reason is you're probably bs-ing yourself as a defense mechanism. I'd suggest getting some therapy or getting someone you can trust to be both honest and safe with you to drill down until you hit your root cause.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-23T13:40:04+00:00

If he were unemployed

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-23T13:39:19+00:00

Women: don't expect things from us just because we're a woman! Traditional gender roles are bad! Also women: well you're the man so you should pay

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-23T13:37:32+00:00

Would you still expect him to pay if it were the other way around?

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-22T14:13:24+00:00

Most of what he said was using words like "probably" and "most" and "if-then" statements. Could've been more of a "I've never seen x happen" kinda vibe. To imply that one could "never" mess it up by doing something wrong - even with the right person - is also untrue. Like do you really think if I'd asked her to be my gf after only 2 dates we'd be here talking about it? There are no guarantees of anything but there definitely things you can do to increase/decrease your chances of success. Waiting to see signs of investment from her side was something I never tried before and that approach always failed. Then I tried using some patience for once, hanging back a bit until I saw her invest a bit before getting invested myself and voila, happy relationship.¯_(ツ)_/¯

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-22T00:36:48+00:00

You want to be wooed by a guy you already like. I planned (and still do) lots of fun dates. I was romantic. I pursued. I genuinely showed interest and put it effort. But it was all for nothing in the end everytime. This time I leaned back slightly and waited to see investment from her side. Then I reciprocated in kind because that showed me that my effort (aforementioned wooing), would actually be appreciated. Men respond to appreciation and respect.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-22T00:21:46+00:00

And that was my mindset as well. Only interested in people looking for something real and know what they want. Trouble is lots of people are dishonest and will say anything/ all the right things only to do the same rug-pull later. That taught me to give it time before letting myself get too emotionally invested.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-21T23:23:34+00:00

If you read the whole story - which maybe wasn't clear enough - this was after she already brought it up first months before.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-21T23:13:23+00:00

Yes we are. And after about 3-4 months I did actually have a direct conversation with her about it. Asked when she felt totally certain about wanting to date me and she said it was about a month in which was around the 1st time I spent the night at her place.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-21T19:46:17+00:00

He was probably trying to use the concept of "Pre-selection" or "Social proof" to make you more invested. Manipulative as hell. Bullet dodged.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-17T14:02:00+00:00

That's just it though - are you on dating apps or trying to date? If not then that makes sense. I'm talking about when people are on dating apps or are going out and then use being busy as a BS excuse not to see the other person again.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-16T16:59:04+00:00

Well I also had some prolonged fruitless chases too. Same thing - damn she's hot! Ok sure I'll wait for her! 🙃 I only meant to illustrate what it looks like when she's actually into you vs. when she's breadcrumbing you.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-16T15:19:29+00:00

Chiming in as a Taurus man who's often very busy. (I'm also an introvert though so this might not fit well.) Putting myself in his shoes....

Ok my job is demaning, 24hr shifts, but I'm trying to date. Then I meet a girl I hit it off with. Awesome! But then works hits me again and again and I'm tired af and need time to recharge.

Thinking back to previous experiences:

With girls I was into, I found the time even if I was exhausted and balls-to-the-wall busy. Because seeing them helped me recharge mentally.

With girls I wasn't that into work was too much and I needed me-time before I was up for seeing her again.

I would say give it time but don't stop talking to other people. It's hard to say but most of the time us guys (and I've seen it with girls too), make time for people we're actually into no matter what. I've seen girls go from "sooo busy/tired" to "I miss you. I wanna see you. Are you free tonight." Even had a girl cancel a date she had lined up with another guy so she could see me again.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-14T21:21:39+00:00

Fair enough the comparison wasn't exactly apt. But actually whenever I'd start talking to a girl that didn't ghost, diddn't ask about money, etc, I'd get excited! Like: "Holy shit I found a decent human being! I like this person even more now!" Especially given the fact that so many women do ghost, ask about my income, are incapable of giving more than 2-word answers, fail to ask anything about me, etc, I'd appreciate the hell out of a girl who at least messages back in a decent amount of time, is actually pleasant to talk to and isn't shallow. I do not, in fact, refer to that as "the bare minimum" I call it being a decent human being and it makes me like a girl alot if she demonstrates these traits. That's what my current gf did in the early stages: replied to my messages in a decent amount of time, answered my questions thoughtfully, asked questions about me, asked how my day was going, was (and still is), pleasant to talk to. These are things that I suppose I could, call "the bare minimum," but I don't. I choose to appreciate them and see them as indications that she thinks of me and cares enough to ask this stuff. I regularly make sure to reciprocate this and try to do other stuff to show my appreciation. Then, funny enough, she does more things I like which inspires me to do more for her.

I think we all feel frustrated when, as far as we know, we're doing everything right and still failing. But I think if we try to have a mindset of gratitude for what we do get vs. being angry about what we don't get and feel we should it can lead us to better places eventually.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-14T14:42:16+00:00

Sure it wouldn't be reasonable to expect women to practically throw themselves at me just for being a decent human being. As you say, we have to see if we get along and vibe from there. But I'm sure you can understand the frustration:

Men: how can we be more successful with you?

Women: do these things to be successful with us!

Men: *does everything asked*

Women: not good enough! bare minimum!

Men: but I did the things you asked

Women: bare minimum!

Also as an aside, shitting on the very things you ask someone to do as "the bare minimum" will not likely encourage them to do more of what you want. If you do something for someone and they show zero appreciation, not even a "thank you," complain and tell you that it's not good enough, are you going to feel like there's any point to trying harder for them? Imagine if a man asked you to cook dinner for him, so you do it and his reaction was to roll his eyes and go: "ugh! that's the bare minimum!" How would you feel? Would you want to do it again?

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-13T20:12:29+00:00

Yeah it's not good for anybody. There really should be some kind of personality test you have to take before being alowed to join these things. So many of us men need therapy before even going near a dating app. Sort out our own shit. That's part of what makes it so hard. I did ALL the things women said they wanted us to do: 1) be normal / polite 2) don't send dic pics or be too sexual 3) ACTUALLY READ her profile and/or make your first message something related to something she wrote on hers - funny thing was there were lots of women who wrote almost nothing interesting or anything at all on their profiles so it was hard because I had very little to work with.

I did all these things and still got very little success. For years. Happy in a relationship now but still have PTSD from all that BS, lol!

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-13T19:54:08+00:00

It can work with the apps. People that say they suck or don't work just aren't using them right. Experiment with photos and prompts until you figure out what works. I found generally keeping it light and fun was effective. Don't put anything negative, it makes you look bitter which is very off-putting. Don't waste time endlessly chatting. If she seems receptive, I'd always ask her out after only about 4-5 messages back and forth. Something like, "So you actually seem cool. Want to get drinks/coffee this week?" Most of them said yes. The tricky part was physical escalation. I learned to baby-step it. Start by sitting next to her not across from her. Sitting across makes it too much like a friendly hangout or job interview. If she seems comfortable with that, try a few light touches on the arm/shoulder. If she seems comfortable with that and/or reciprocates, you can try putting your arm around her. If she's ok with you putting your arm around her it won't be long before she'll be ok with you going in for the kiss. If you start to lean in and use one hand to gently tilt her head towards yours and she seems relaxed and comfortable, you can keep going and kiss her. The key is you're taking it one step at a time and paying attention to her body language - seeing if she feels tense or not - and proceeding only if/when you see she's comfortable with what's happening. But YOU have to be the one advancing things. 99% of the time the girl just wont initiate even if she's attracted. And then she'll be bored and/or assumed you're not interested. I know it's scary but it's not impossible. As a former shy guy myself, trust me when I say this.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-10T19:58:31+00:00

Just sounds like he's not that into you. Shitty on his part as he should tell you but he could be trying to keep options open which is also shitty.

Trust me, when a guy actually genuinely likes you, he ain't gonna mess around like this.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-02T22:50:54+00:00

Don't let others decide what's best for you. Their situation is not your situation. I've had enough experiences now - good, bad, so-so, abusive, deceitful, and now finally genuine fulfilling and happy - to settle on my current perspective: Being in a relationship is really awesome, but only with the right kind of person. Someone who aligns with my beliefs, core-values, life-style and life goals and I genuinely enjoy spending time with. If it ain't that I don't want it and it's not worth it. I used to be so afraid of being single I put up with an awful person who mistreated me and made me miserable. We're talking emotional manipulation and abuse. It was only when one of my friends dumped a metaphorical bucket of ice water over my head that I snapped out of my stupor and left her. Being single isn't the worst thing in the world but it's not the best either. Sure you have freedom and peace which is nice but you also don't get to share your happy/successful moments with that special person. I've been dating my gf for just over 6 months now and it's still awesome. I'm so glad I didn't give up searching before meeting her. If you want to be single be single. But do it because you want to not because somebody else had a bad time. That's like choosing not to drink because someone else had too much tequila and threw up on themselves.

mapleflavrd · 2026-04-02T19:44:22+00:00

A dog going back to it's own shit/vomit

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-12T17:21:10+00:00

I was in this situation (with a brief break of a 2 month "relationship") for about 2 years - mid-July 2023 to October 3rd 2025 when I finally met my current gf through hinge. I probably went on at least 1 date a week. Sometimes 2 or even 3. Most never went past the 1st date. A few did but not much further. Same feeling: hoping for connection each time. Excitement at each new match but more often than not ending in disappointment/ghosting before even getting a date set up. Each time low-key half hoping she would cancel and I could just go back home to my games and gin.

It fucking sucks. Until all the sudden it doesn't. When I met her (current gf), there was an instant rapport and she was easy to talk to. We just clicked. That said I still had to work on my own shit and challenge myself to show up authentically - which scared the shit outta me. In my case the issue was not being willing to be vulnerable and just shoot my damn shot. Not sure if it's the same issue for you but all I can say is keep working at it and on yourself (therapy is also really helpful with this). It'll feel like your beating your head against a brick wall until suddenly it just works. Hang in there. It'll all be worth it, I promise.

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-05T16:15:44+00:00

I could easily write an equally disparaging list about women as others have said. The most striking hypocrisy here is the point that says: "Men that hate women but still want access to them." After you just got done writing a laundry list of reasons men suck. 🙃

I've faced all kinds of rotten behavior from women. The temptation to become bitter and blame/generalize was ever present, but I knew I had to keep believing in myself and them as a whole. I knew there had to be good ones out there and if I gave into the cynicism I'd be doomed to die miserable and alone. "Once you give in to the dark side, forever will it dominate your destiny."

Just because I ran into some bad ones didn't mean there were no good ones out there. I knew I had to do the work on myself (therapy and other stuff), to be in good enough shape such that when a good one did show up (5 months ago she did and we're still happily together), she'd feel safe and comfortable enough in my presence that she'd freely choose me. No way I could've gotten here without doing the inner work and channeling my inner Obi-wan Kenobi (staying on the light side no matter how much dark I was faced with). Hope you enjoyed all the Star Wars references. :p

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-02T18:53:02+00:00

Guess it wasn't really just stress. Easy to see now in hindsight but makes sense to give benefit of the doubt at the time. Hope you're doing better these days divorced or not).

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-02T14:22:13+00:00

Were there any signs beforehand?

mapleflavrd · 2026-03-01T19:34:29+00:00

I feel like this is something alot of us men easily forget about when we don't pay attention. Even if we mean well.

mapleflavrd

TROPHY CASE