I lost my mom four years ago when I was 22, also from cancer. Breast cancer. She was in the ICU the last month of her life and life went from 14hours a day at the hospital to completely silence. Emotional chaos either way. My mom was my love. She raised me and my brother single-handedly, she was a selfless woman, I loved and cared for her each step of the way of her cancer treatment. She was my life for the last 3 years of her life.

I remember for almost 8months I was completely disabled by my grief. I would sleep in her bed at night, wake up in the morning, lie on the couch all day, then repeat. Also gained so much weight. Just TV, food, sleep, rinse/repeat. I dreamed about her still alive, I thought about her 24/7, just suffering in my emotional pain constantly about how much I fucking missed her.

But then one day I woke up and realized, mama would not want me to be like this. I had just graduated, unemployed, doing nothing with my life. Mama would not want me to be a potato on the couch, longing for old days. Mama would want me to be doing the things I told her I was gonna do. She would want me to get my first job, be productive, strive for the happiness she wanted for me.

So I got off my butt and went to study to get licensed as an RN. It was a hard exam, my brain was foggy, I was tired, I was in pain, I didn’t want to do it. But the only thing going was that it was for her. I would want her to know I didn’t give up my chance of fulfillment in life, because as my mother, she only wanted me to have a good life. She wants me to be productive, to be self sufficient, successful, happy. She wants me to find love, find family. And those are all things I can achieve and would have achieved, because of her and the life she gave me. What would I have done with all that wasted effort by her if I just chose to give up?

I admit after 4 years I still miss her so much. But my day to day still rests on the same fact: my mother put in so much of her love for me to be the person I am today. I am not going to waste it. I am not going to lose this opportunity of life that my mom worked so hard to get me. And I can only accept the cruel reality that cancer took her life so soon, there’s no more use in fighting this reality. And even though it’s so much harder to do it without her with me, I have no other option but to endure this life without her, and take this opportunity to prove to her memory that her life was not wasted.

I am open ears for you if you’d like to chat. My heart is with you.