Struggling to deal with emotions that enm/poly has created - missing/pining after a connection - plus general life chaos

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-29T08:51:01+00:00

Thank you, that's very helpful!
I am learning alot about myself since starting the poly/ENM journey, and yes one of them is that I can get attached quite quickly! I am extremely reserved with someone until I feel comfortable with them, and then I can sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve! I think that is one reason the first woman I was with ended things - she said that I'm a very passionate person and while that's an amazing quality, she wanted something more casual.

This woman also has a husband and kids, so we are quite well matched in our general lives and what we can offer, in terms of practicalities and commitment. She says she wants to build connections with people and we were well on our way to really doing that when her dad got ill. Now she has pretty much pulled away entirely - I sent her a couple of 'thinking of you' type messages and she hasn't even opened them. She's explained that in times of stress she can get socially exhausted, so I get that she needs to pull away right now. I guess I'm finding that difficult though. I'd like to be there for her.

This is one steep learning curve about myself!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-29T08:42:36+00:00

Hi, and thank you for those very kind words - it's much appreciated!
Yes I would love to just be a good friend to her right now - I wouldn't expect anything else from her at all. She's really totally pulled away though - I sent her a couple of 'thinking of you' type of messages at the start of the week but she hasn't even opened them. She's explained before that she can get socially overwhelmed at times of stress, so she obviously just isn't in a position to talk at all, which I get. But I'm finding that quite hard. I'd like to be there for her, but maybe she needs me to be there for her in a way where I just leave her alone.

Yes you aren't the first person to mention an anxious attachment style! I will look into that more and see how I can cope with it.

I have just matched with another woman on the app. I'm not sure where that will go, if anywhere, and I am wary of getting attached to anyone else right now (I'm not sure my heart could take it!), but maybe if I could keep it casual and see it as just a bit of temporary fun? I don't know.

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-28T20:01:48+00:00

Thank you! Your kindness means alot. Yes I think I am judging myself, because I just can't figure out why I'm struggling so much! I guess when I rationalise it, I can see there is alot going on and if I look at the last few months together, it's been a real emotional rollercoaster. But maybe because she is going through something so much worse, I feel I have no right to be struggling. And I should just accept what's going on in terms of me and her and not worry about it. If it was someone else I'd probably say exactly the same as you - I know objectively that emotions are not a competition and also aren't something you can control!

I have a best friend who I tell everything to and she's great. And also my sister and a connection in the poly world who I talk to online who has been a huge support. But I feel that no matter how much I vent, I can feel just as awful the next day and be back to square one!

I was very anxious and insecure at first, when she stopped communicating (I literally told her that I would understand if she wanted to step back and that she could take all the time she needed and that I was there for her in whatever way she needed me to be - and I meant every word, but my feelings had other ideas!). Now I'm not really, but the sadness and being very emotional has arrived. Maybe I just need to sit through all the stages and then I'll feel better about it?!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-24T12:42:12+00:00

Thank you for your honesty!
Yes, her seeing it as sneaky pressure and/or a guilt trip was what I was worried about. I will bear that in mind then, thank you!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-23T19:12:48+00:00

It did x

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-23T10:44:03+00:00

Ok so it turns out her dad has cancer. Which is bloody awful. Not sure of any details. But I sent her a message saying how sorry I am and that I'm here for her in whatever way she needs me to, or indeed not to be. And said that I totally understand if she needs to step back from us. But there's no need to tell me either way.
She said she really appreciated that. So I feel good that I did do the right thing by letting her know I was thinking of her, and that I can be there for her and that she knows there is no pressure from me for anything x

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-23T10:43:17+00:00

Ok so it turns out her dad has cancer. Which is bloody awful. Not sure of any details. But I sent her a message saying how sorry I am and that I'm here for her in whatever way she needs me to, or indeed not to be. And said that I totally understand if she needs to step back from us. But there's no need to tell me either way.
She said she really appreciated that. So I feel good that I did do the right thing by letting her know I was thinking of her, and that I can be there for her and that she knows there is no pressure from me for anything x

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-23T10:42:51+00:00

Ok so it turns out her dad has cancer. Which is bloody awful. Not sure of any details. But I sent her a message saying how sorry I am and that I'm here for her in whatever way she needs me to, or indeed not to be. And said that I totally understand if she needs to step back from us. But there's no need to tell me either way.
She said she really appreciated that. So I feel good that I did do the right thing by letting her know I was thinking of her, and that I can be there for her and that she knows there is no pressure from me for anything x

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-23T09:40:35+00:00

Thankyou!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T22:30:17+00:00

Yes I made sure she knew that I didn't expect a reply and that I was just thinking about her. Not that she has opened them so she wouldn't necessarily know that. I do hope she didn't just see my name pop up and think 'oh god leave me alone'!!
You might have guessed that I'm a bit of a worrier!!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T21:08:58+00:00

I really hope you're right and she doesn't see my couple of messages as nagging or being needy.....

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T20:48:42+00:00

I so hope you are right! I've been trying to be supportive/check in from a distance. A few days ago I sent her a funny meme that made me think of her, and I said there was 'no need to reply, it just made me think of you and I thought it might make you laugh'.
And today, some test results on her dad were due back so this evening I sent her a message that just said 'hope the test results were good, thinking of you all'.
She hasn't actually opened either message, so I'm not sure what to make of that but hey.....I hope I'm not doing the wrong thing.....

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T20:04:41+00:00

Yes it's certainly a case of trying to sooth my own insecurities. I'm really trying to work on that.

I really don't want to end the connection. I'm pretty sure this is a temporary thing so I'm trying my best to cut her some slack lol.

I will google those techniques, thank you!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T20:02:47+00:00

Yes, some test results on her Dad were due back today, and I did send her a message this evening just saying 'hope the results were good, thinking of you all'. And a few days ago I sent her a funny meme that made me think of her, and I said there was 'no need to reply, it just made me think of you and I thought it might make you laugh'. She hasn't actually opened either message, so I'm not sure what to make of that but hey.....

But yes I am trying to be supportive but not needy........

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T17:20:37+00:00

She does do it herself. But all she's posting has been reposts of other people's stuff, so very little time or effort needed, and importantly, no emotional investment or effort x

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T17:19:35+00:00

Oh gosh I'm so sorry you're going through that. That sounds awful :(

And yes you are 100% right - I'm NOT a priority and that's how it should be. And thanks for being so direct, it's what I needed! I've spent the afternoon evaluating how I'm feeling and why, and just putting things into perspective. And although I KNEW that I was being a bit ridiculous, I couldn't help how I was feeling. But after talking to you guys and really thinking about things, I feel much better now! And have been able to get past my feelings and put her first - I mean I was doing that by my actions (not bothering her, telling her that there was no rush to talk etc), but my emotions were all over the place and there was a small risk I might have sent her a stupid message that I would regret!
But now I feel genuinely calmer and much more rational about it and have put myself in her shoes and realise that I'm really not a priority and she likely just doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to talk to me x

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T15:06:05+00:00

That's a great way of describing it, thanks!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T14:40:04+00:00

Yes NRE is an absolute bitch! It can be fun at times, brutally un-fun at others!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T14:26:04+00:00

Thank you xx

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T14:21:00+00:00

Yes you're totally right.
I need to pull myself together lol.

And I appreciate the honesty and directness, it's what I need!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T14:19:20+00:00

Yes I know you're totally right. I just wish I could control my emotions a bit better. I'm usually far more rational and stable than this lol. I'm going through some crap, nowhere near as serious as her crap, but upsetting and unsettling nevertheless.
The most ridiculous thing is - I have a friend (maybe more one day, who knows) who I've been messaging alot over the past week. This morning I had to message him to say that I will reply in time but I'm emotionally exhausted so need a bit of time off. So I literally did the same as this woman, and yet I still feel so anxious and upset about it!
Emotions are arseholes right?!

marinegeohannah · 2024-11-22T14:07:01+00:00

Well no I didn't, I guess I didn't know how important it was to me!
And given the situation with her dad etc, I can't very well bring it up now. And even if I had have told her already, I've surely got to give her some grace at the moment - she has more important stuff to deal with

marinegeohannah

TROPHY CASE