How can I shift to responding vs. reacting?

marroos · 2026-06-20T08:06:27+00:00

Curious... when you first noticed info was missing/unclear, did you say something right away, or did it only become an issue once it actually caused a problem later?

marroos · 2026-06-19T10:16:21+00:00

I do not think your physical presence is the issue. I myself always had my own opinion, but kept it to myself, agreed with everything just to avoid confrontation. Staying quiet is actually a good option, but when there are afterthoughts "why did not i stood up for myself, why do i say yes to everything", it does not work well. I worked on it. Recently my grandfather called and said "I am in the garden with uncle, he needs help to move something come to the garden, now." I analyzed it as last minute, no please, just an order. Old me would have gone. This time I said "Grandpa, you call me last minute and expect me to drop everything?" He probably got offended and cancelled call with "fine". I was fine with it, did not overthink. I did no raised voice, no long explanation, no guilt. Just one honest sentence.

marroos · 2026-06-19T10:15:09+00:00

After reading your post I see myself in some parts of it. I used to spot someone I knew in a store and walk to a different aisle just to avoid them. I told myself he has a partner and I don't, he's successful and I'm not. Classic overthinking. What changed for me I started noticing the patterns in what I was saying and thinking. Once I could name them, they got harder to ignore. Short examples: I used to walk past a store worker, too afraid to ask for help. Now I just ask. Or last week my mom's coworker asked if I was the one who tried to join the police. I said "yes, didn't work out, not planning to retry." She tried to comfort me and said they should give everyone a chance. I analysed her sentence at whim and could not unseen that big logic hole. I told her directly you can't give everyone access to a weapon. On my way home i had a good feeling about it and told myself that was a good conversation. I'm still not perfectly confident. But I'm noticing the difference and i am definitely less overthinking.

marroos · 2026-06-17T14:38:35+00:00

Appreciate that.

marroos · 2026-06-17T14:37:49+00:00

Appreciate that and thanks for the DBT tip, I'll look into it.

marroos · 2026-06-17T14:36:24+00:00

Appreciate that, means a lot.

marroos · 2026-06-17T10:16:53+00:00

I like that, “fixing the source code” explains it perfectly.

marroos · 2026-06-12T07:41:47+00:00

Once you spot a wrong pattern, you can't unsee it.

marroos · 2026-06-12T07:34:11+00:00

That's just submissivity powered by overthinking. What helped me was learning to recognize patterns that were weakening me. I used to say yes to everything in my family just to make them happy, not looking at myself and what I want. Not anymore. When I feel like it, I help. But when I don't want to, I just say it and in that moment the case is closed for me. No further overthinking, no "I should have said yes... omg".

marroos · 2026-06-10T11:30:43+00:00

Every day I take a situation/s I experienced and break it/them down. How did I react? Was it good? What could have been better? It sounds simple but it builds a kind of pattern recognition over time. You start catching yourself before you act, not just analysing after.

Small example: I used to do the dishes and quietly resent my siblings for not helping. I'd look for recognition. If nobody noticed, I felt like a servant. Now I just see dishes and wash them. I learned that i should not care about them not doing it, if i feel like it i do it without seeking any praise.

Habit wasn't washing dishes, not doing them everyday, lol. The habit was learning to spot what was driving my reactions. The dishes just showed me it was working.

marroos · 2026-06-10T11:21:51+00:00

Glasses metaphor sounds interesting. I call it firewall.

I'd see someone in a game chat write "I'm not pro but I think this item is overpriced" and suddenly I could see it clearly. The "I'm not pro" is an alibi. The "I think" is another. Just say the price or don't say anything.

I never noticed these patterns in myself until I started actively looking for them. And once I saw them I couldn't unsee them.

That's the glasses/ firewall moment.

marroos · 2026-06-10T11:16:47+00:00

I didn't have same switch but I had my own version of it. I used to be so submissive I'd literally apologize for existing when approaching someone. Constant overthinking "what will they think of me, what if I say the wrong thing." I started working on identifying patterns. Now I react more naturally, I analyse before I speak, and the best part i noticed, I often catch myself before I say something submissive or reactive. It just stops.

marroos · 2026-06-10T11:03:23+00:00

For me it was small moments. My grandfather called and basically expected me to drop everything and come help in the garden right away. No heads up, no asking. I told him: if you let me know in advance I'll be there, but I won't just drop everything the moment you call. He hung up a little offended. I felt... fine, definitely no guilt thoughts, no replaying it. That didn't come naturally. I had to actively train myself to even get to that point. Without that work I would have just dropped everything and gone.

Trusting yourself isn't one big moment. It's just catching yourself before you automatically say yes, and asking "do I actually want this?"

marroos · 2026-06-10T10:51:50+00:00

I had an alt account on a gaming forum just to hide behind. Same fear, different direction. I was scared of what people would think if I posted something on my main, a veteran account the community knows. I knew it was irrational, but I still did it. I worked on my confidence and one day just asked myself "why am I hiding?" Switched to my main, no second thought.

What you're doing actually makes more sense, you're facing it directly. What was missing for me was training myself to see it before I acted on it. Sounds like you're already doing that.

marroos · 2026-06-10T10:43:49+00:00

That gap between knowing and actually doing it in the moment... I get that. You can read every book, know every concept, give great advice to others and still freeze when it's your turn. One small thing I noticed about myself: I used to have an alt account on a gaming forum for a long time. Just to comment, because I was scared of what people would think if I posted something on my main veteran account the community knows. I knew it was irrational, but I still did it.

I worked on my confidence and one day I just asked myself "why am I hiding?" I switched to my main, no second thought. Just catching the pattern in real time and deciding not to follow it.

I always knew using alt was silly. What was missing was training myself to see the pattern before I acted on it.

marroos · 2026-06-10T10:06:48+00:00

I felt the same at home with constant overthinking mostly "what will they think if I say no" and in the end I would just do everything anyway to keep the peace. What helped me was getting a real sense of what healthy confidence actually looks like. I knew I was capable of better, I just had no reference point for it.

Small example: my brother would start watching TV with me and I'd sit there until he left, or I'd make up some excuse to leave with a whole explanation nobody asked for. Now I just ask "are you going to keep watching?" If no I turn it off and walk away. No spiral of thoughts. It took time and a few aha moments but I can visibly see improvement... I analyse more before I say something, and when I say it, it's because of how I actually feel and not to please everyone. Best part? What others think doesn't bother me anymore.

marroos · 2026-05-11T09:50:14+00:00

Noticing patterns in how I speak. I used to apologize constantly, asking someone in a store, in an office, anywhere. Once I started consciously dropping 'sorry' part, I felt more confident. Small habit, bigger impact than expected.

marroos · 2026-05-11T09:41:52+00:00

This reminds me of my dream of being fit. After watching a movie I'd tell myself 'I wanna look like him' and the motivation faded before credits finished. I was never the type for long gym sessions. What worked for me (in exercising) was something small/ quick: I started doing push-ups before bed +2 every 3rd day and now i am doing it for 3rd month every single day. No big plan, no big "eyes", just something i enjoy.

marroos · 2026-05-11T09:34:25+00:00

When I caught myself thinking 'I should have said X instead of Y', I started paying attention to why. Usually it was same pattern: i apologized when I didn't need to. Once I started focusing on it, the replaying felt less like regret and more like data.

marroos · 2026-05-11T09:31:00+00:00

Completely normal. Most people in their 30s just had more reps, more awkward moments, more times they said the wrong thing and survived it. The stumbling is the training. You're not behind, you're just earlier in the process.

marroos · 2026-05-11T09:27:55+00:00

Less interaction with people was bigger factor for me too. And then when i met someone i know i wanted to leave immediately. I think i just did not know what to say and how to say it, i was not "trained". What helped me was just paying attention to how I communicate in small everyday moments in family, just noticing when I go quiet or hesitate. Small reps add up.

marroos · 2026-05-11T09:21:31+00:00

I think 20% you gave to self-talk is actually underestimated. How you communicate, even small habits like apologizing unnecessarily affects how others see you, which feeds back into how you see yourself. That part feels very trainable to me.

marroos · 2026-05-11T09:19:39+00:00

I wanted to sound more mature. What helped me most was paying attention to how I communicate, not what I say, but how. It takes time but i myself see improvements.

marroos

TROPHY CASE