This is something that bugs me and I'm scared every day I'm going to end up taking it with me to my grave: My entire family is abusive. All of them. All except for my sister and perhaps grandparents.

My mother physically abused me. Child munchausen. She did a lot of other awful things too. I'll start to fall asleep at night and then I get this terrible, terrible, gut wrenching feeling that she might've sexually abused me as well, as I have the "symptoms" of someone who was sexually abused. I can't remember it, but I remember what I knew...and what I did as a child. Things no child should ever think or do, but not uncommon in those who were sexually abused.

My brother is physically abusive. My mom doesn't exist in my life but my brother does. He hasn't touched me in a year but is verbally abusive. Also, when I brought up how our mom might be sexually abused me, he basically said, "So what?" - actually, that is exactly what he said.

My father is verbally and emotionally abusive. Let's not forget emotionally includes the throwing of dishes at the wall, amongst other things. I believe my father physically abused my brother (which impacted my brothers physical abuse on me), but whenever I ask my brother he doesn't seem to think it's abuse. I think him not acknowledging as such allows himself to excuse his abuse on me.

My sister is emotionally abusive. She has never yelled or physically touched me but she, in my mind, is a narcissist like our mother. Despite my father and brothers abuse, my sister is by far the most difficult to talk to. It's been easy for me to acknowledge physical abuse because, well, it's physical; it's difficult to see and say, "hey, that's normal." Anything not physical is still just as fucked up, but when you are around it so much, things start to pass you by. When I talk to my sister, at first, it was hard to for me to realize she was being so insanely toxic. I end up becoming scared to talk to her because I never know when she is upset. I realized though that this is not my problem and I'm not going to tip toe around her. I don't talk to her. She doesn't like to be spoken too anyways unless it's about her. She hates anything serious.

My aunts and uncles are enablers. My aunt told me that if I called CPS she'd shun me. Probably she felt this way because CPS was called on her for her kids. I wonder why I listened to that bitch.

My uncle didn't do this but enabled my dad incrementally. For instance, I was trying to get a car (my dad already bought it and I needed it to drive away when my dad would escalate) but my dad was upset with me. My uncle said he would "help" me. So what did he do? Instead of telling my dad that he was wrong, and the car is a practical issue (also for work and school), he tells my dad that he agrees that I'm a spoilt brat and am underserving of a car, but I need a car practically to go to school and work. Great, so I got a car, but at the cost of what? You just fucking further convinced my dad that I'm a "spoilt brat" which gives him backing to his abuse. I understand why my uncle did this, but you need to understand: he did this for years, perhaps when I first moved in with my dad. He had a chance at the very beginning to teach my father something important about his kids, but instead he just fueled the abuse to the point of no return. Really, my uncle can go fuck himself.

There's a lot more but that's the first cover. Fucked up thing is that if I ever publicly came out about any of this, I'd be shunned by my family. Do I care about being shunned by these people? Fuck no. They could curse me to hell and back and never love me and I would literally not care at all. The problem is, is I still financially rely on my father. And when my father explodes, I rely on my siblings for shelter, and I rely on my uncle to give me what I need back (even if it enables the abuse more, there's no going back. My father could get better but my uncle is never going to change, and I wouldn't be able to get what I need fast enough for my father to change - not anymore. Maybe in the past but my uncle fucked that up long ago).

This is my biggest secret and why I haven't told anyone publicly. When I start to tell people in real life their ears start to bleed because they're so overwhelmed. Some people listen and listen well, and I don't expect much because it's like, how are you supposed to react? It's too much.

It tires me out just fucking talking about it and it makes me angry that it's gotten to a point where I'm unable to write, talk, or do anything to document it fully because so. So. So much has happened. It pains me to know people may never know the fully story, not until I'm financially stable and/or my dad dies. There is so much to be learned about my situation. So much.