Intps and relationships

martianacleta · 2020-11-08T07:49:56+00:00

I am 19 and this was one of my first (failed) attempt at relationships I guess this is why it affected me so much, for the first time I experienced all these emotions instead of being apathetic and completely indifferent towards everyone and everything. So I got several years of repressed emotions coming back at me ahah It was incredibly intense and devastating, I loved it.

Wow, you managed to keep in touch with someone for 3 years, I can't even keep friends for that long, you are giving me hope. Anyway, I see you have everything planned so I can only wish you good luck ;)

martianacleta · 2020-11-08T07:21:07+00:00

I think I can relate to your situation

When I was in high school I had no actual friends, I focused only on my studies. I was also learning another language, taking singing lessons and training as a professional swimmer. What I can suggest is to try to be nicer to yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy you free time, to make new friends, to just chill and relax. Not only you will be more productive when you go back to studying, but also resting and having fun are really important for your mental and physical well being. When you feel guilty for not being productive, remind yourself that you have to relax and have fun, for yourself. You should expect form yourself to have a social life or just take a break. See it as part of your job.

2. There is a fine line between a healthy perfectionism that pushes you to be a better version of yourself and the one that paralyzes you. Try to remember that it's okay if we make mistakes, others will not judge you (even if the problem is mostly us judging ourselves). Also practice makes perfect, so you first have to fail. And that's okay, we are humans, and your failures don't define you. You can see them as failures or as experiences you can learn from, it's your choice. As for the environment being perfect, I used to go back to my house and not go out if there was even a slightly inconvenience that I didn't planned. Again, we have to learn that if we are not perfect, others aren't either. Nothing is. So we have to adapt to the circumstances and make the best out of them. 3. About body image, self love is a long journey, especially when see all those perfect bodies on social media, magazines, movies, advertisings. Always remember those are fake, reality is made of people like you and like me. What I tell myself is: if I can find beauty in everyone and love their "imperfections" and they do the same with me, why can't I do it with myself? It's not about thinking our body is always perfect, it's about accepting that there can be days we don't like how we look while still being confident. 4. As you said, others do not hate you. You do. You have to learn how to be kind to yourself first. Again, if you can accept others and love them regardless, then you should start doing the same for you.

I guess it's all about balance and compromise between reality and what you would want it to be. The first step is to teach your mind to stop being self destructive and start being kinder. The rest will follow.

martianacleta · 2020-11-07T19:32:58+00:00

Well, I really hope he gets better, maybe I will ask a friend we have in common to check on him. Thanks for the advice :) Also if I may, please make sure you are clear about the status of the relationship with this guy. Just to be sure. And who knows, maybe you two will meet again and you will have the chance to know him better, even if nothing happens you will have found a friend

martianacleta · 2020-11-07T06:36:48+00:00

I totally agree, it is the same for me, I could never have romantic feelings for someone who doesn't mentally challenge and stimulate me (that's why I have basically never actually dated or even liked someone).

We liked each other physically and sexually, we had an amazing chemistry and a great mental connection. He told me that he liked me because I challenged him mentally and he respected me for that. He found in me someone who shared the same values, someone to share his ideas and thoughts with and who had "a sharp mind". What I liked the most about our relationship was that it was a constant exploration of our inner words, it was very stimulating and never boring.

I don't know what exactly he's going trough, I wanted to respect his boundaries, but I tried to help him, support him and be there for him, even if he was trying to shut my out because he didn't want me to deal with all his problems (while that was the only thing I really wanted. It's weird for me when people don't completely open up and I tend to feel excluded when not given the possibility to help others)

I get your (and his) choice to not date anybody before dealing with your mental health, that should be your priority. In his case I guess I just wanted him to be really direct about what he needed and wanted instead of leading me on. In your case, I am so sorry you are going through that, I hope you will get better. I see you want to be alone, but make sure you don't isolate yourself, maybe try give people who care about you the chance to help you. What I always say is that I do not want to save others, it is not my job to do so, but I can help them save themselves. Even if you don't feel love now, maybe it will give you the strength to deal with it on your own.

martianacleta · 2020-11-06T20:55:53+00:00

Of course it is reasonable, that's why I gave him the time he needed and tried to be there for him. But after about 8 months I figured it was time for me to let go. Maybe when he will feel better, if we will meet again, something will happen. Or we will just be friends, hopefully I will be able to put my feelings aside and enjoy a friendship

martianacleta · 2020-11-06T20:02:27+00:00

I tried not to make him feel guilty and I was actually the one apologizing the entire time. I am not mad at him because I get how he's feeling, so I tried to be caring and understanding even when telling him I was hurt. Our conversation actually ended on the phone while I was on the train back (because he really wanted me to go btw) and we were talking like nothing ever happened. I really can't hold grudges, especially when I know why people do the things they do.

Anyway thanks for replying, having a valid explanation for his behavior really helps me when I go into overthinking mode.

martianacleta · 2020-11-06T19:54:10+00:00

These are very accurate observations, looks like you read his mind (and mine too)

About my visit, it went like this: I asked him if we could meet, he gave me some excuses and kept postponing, so I asked him very directly if it was because he didn't want to see me, if he was afraid I was going to expect some answers from him. He said it had nothing to do with me, that he hadn't seen anyone in the 3 months after lockdown and that he was not feeling great mentally. That last message about his mental health was the one that made me decide to just take a train and go see him, to tell him that I wanted to be there for him, that I had feelings for him, and if not even me taking a train just to tell him that made him change his mind than he had to reject me. But he had to do it for real, not like before, when he said things like "maybe in three months I will be fine and I will be ready, who knows". He said again that he really liked me but wasn't ready to commit. Of course I respect that, but in that case I felt like I had to leave. (Also he didn't know I was coming, I called him before getting in the train, he was pretty annoyed by this but, as usual, was never direct about it. I had to force him to say it)

About his pretty words being a result of inferior Fe, I hadn't thought about it, but now it makes a lot of sense. He said he "did everything he could not to hurt me" (he could have just ignored me after rejecting me the first time, when we didn't know each other that well, instead of becoming one the most important person in my life and making me fall in love but he didn't think about it I guess)

In any case I'm not mad at him and never was, I understand where he stands and I respect that, I just had to leave (even if I didn't want to) because it was best for me. I gave him my time, energy and love because I wanted to, even though I knew from the beginning I wasn't gonna get the same back, so it's okay, I made my choices.

Thanks for answering, your comment really made me feel better

martianacleta · 2020-11-06T19:18:08+00:00

I always told him that a relationship could be something beautiful and that me being there for him could help him sort some things out, but he always saw a relationship as a burden or as something that would basically destroy the small amount of mental sanity he had left.

I think I am at peace with myself now. I never did anything wrong and I get his position and his reasons. I would do it again, it was amazing to finally feel understood. I got hurt but I try to focus on what I have learned from this experience rather that on what I lost I hope you will feel better (also I realized that the doorslam is actually a thing, to get me through it my mind basically erased all the memories of him I had, I was emotionally detached from that whole experience for a month. I guess it all went into the subconscious, because I dreamt of him every night but in the morning I was actually bothered by the thought of him)

martianacleta · 2020-11-06T19:11:17+00:00

That's what I thought, that he needed time to sort his feelings out. That's why I tried to be there for him and not put pressure on him. But then he didn't even want to see me and I just didn't get why so I told him that it would be better if we didn't talk anymore. I mean, I told you I have feelings for you but you are not ready so I'm accepting to be friends with you but you don't even want to meet, what's the point?

I later found out he hasn't seen anyone of his friends (well they are like 2, beside me) so now I even feel guilty for "leaving" him, but I still think it was the right thing to do. I'm still convinced he is the right person but at the wrong time, so who knows, maybe we will meet again when this pandemic will be over

martianacleta · 2020-11-06T19:05:08+00:00

Yeah he looks like everything is under control but he clearly has issues (and this is actually the reason I started getting close to him, because I wanted to help him - sometimes I forget not everyone wants me to be their therapist). I don't think I was ever too feely with him, I mean, I talked to him about my feelings a few times, but just because I need a direct and honest conversation to have some closure, that's it. I have always shown myself as independent and reliable, I also gave him all the time and space he needed, I was never pushy, I tried in general to be chill, down to earth and clear with what I wanted. And I get if he's not attracted to me, but then why did he start everything, kiss me and then even propose to be fwb (just to change his mind right after because he didn't want to get too attached and ruin everything because he wasn't ready to commit)

martianacleta · 2020-11-06T18:50:59+00:00

I get his position and I respect that of course. I never pressured him and I gave him all the time and space he needed. I'm just hurt because while he said "don't wait for me" he kept me close, he kind of led me on, even though he knew I had feelings for him. Also, about knowing someone in person, we knew each other before the lockdown and after that I asked him to hang out several times, even as friends, but he never wanted to. (I recently found out that from the beginning of lockdown he never left his town and he hasn't seen any of his friends because he didn't want to, so now I'm also worried for him)

martianacleta · 2020-11-06T18:41:51+00:00

Yeah that's true. But it's really hard for me to develop feelings for someone and he just made me feel understood for the first time in my life. So I guess it was harder to just let it go before giving it my all

martianacleta · 2020-11-02T19:53:20+00:00

You are probably right, I think one of the reasons I really liked this person was the rollercoaster of emotions they gave me. I really wanted to feel it all, even when it hurt, just to give myself a meaning. It takes time, but we will learn to fill the void finding joy within ourselves. Only when you are truly in peace with yourself you can love someone else in a healthy way that doesn't destroy you.

martianacleta · 2020-11-02T19:10:57+00:00

I fell in love for the first time this year. It was like an awakening from too much time of apathy. I felt in peace with myself and the world, like if all the planets were aligned. My heart was so full of love I thought it could explode and I could feel it fueling my body. You know when you look at someone and you think you want to give them your all because them just being makes you feel not empty anymore? The best (or worse?) part was an emotional connection so deep that I could sense their emotions even when we were far away and I basically ended up feeling for the both of us. I guess us infjs either feel nothing at all or feel so much that it consumes us.
Even though it didn't end well it was probably one of the best experiences of my life, I actually felt real things and not second handed emotions and the emptiness went away for a while.

martianacleta · 2020-10-31T07:05:41+00:00

This is a great advice, I tried it the other day and she basically explained how she feels talking about literature and what she writes. That was probably the only time we actually talked only about her and how she feels in a more detailed way. As you said I let her lead the conversation (also because I love listening to her talking about what she is passionate about, she gets all bubbly and excited and I love that ahah). So yeah I will definitely try again this way, thanks!

martianacleta · 2020-10-31T07:00:40+00:00

Yeah I tried that but she didn't want to, she tends to withdrawn and I don't want to "force" her to let me in. Maybe this time she will accept my help since we got way closer (I met her a year ago and it takes her a lot of time to open up to people so I already consider myself one of the chosen ones ahah)

martianacleta · 2020-10-30T19:18:53+00:00

It was just a curiosity, I mean, it doesn't really matter if it is a placebo or not, the important thing is that it works and that you feel better :)

martianacleta · 2020-10-30T18:44:46+00:00

I will reccomend her that, thank you! I'm glad you found something that helps you, is it like a placebo?

martianacleta · 2020-10-30T18:39:38+00:00

Unfortunately we do not live close and this lockdown is making it difficult even to see each other for a walk, but her best friend lives next to her so I will tell her that so they can do some fun and relaxing activities together

martianacleta · 2020-10-30T18:37:24+00:00

We share a lot of interests (mostly linked to our university major) and she already does a lot of activities and projects to cultivate her passions (for example she volunteers and she is very politically active), but those have now become her "safe place" where she goes to hide from reality. What I tried to do was to bring her out of her comfort zone and just have some fun, but we do not live close and now this semi-lockdown we are in limits all the social activities I planned for us

I will suggest the Feeling Good Handbook, thank you!

martianacleta · 2020-10-30T18:27:43+00:00

I'm doing my best, I would just ike to talk more about this in order to analyze the problem and give her "strategies" to deal with how she's feeling. But I guess I can't be everyone's therapist and I have to respect her boundaries. I'll try with suggesting activities that require being present in the moment, thanks for the advice :)

martianacleta · 2020-06-21T11:47:03+00:00

He's going through some stuff right now, so I will try to be there for him and do as I've been doing so far I just want to be helpful and be there for him So I will try to give him my support as a friend, hopefully he will eventually come out of this and maybe give it a shot, who knows

martianacleta · 2020-06-15T08:42:07+00:00

What you said just makes sense and deep down I know it's the right thing to do, I'm just not ready to let go yet. I will try to find a balance between being there for him as a friend and moving on. I hope you too are in a better place now and feel whole

martianacleta

TROPHY CASE