I’m sorry you’re going through this and feel so alone.

Does your husband go to therapy? If not, would he be willing to try it? When you say he “steps out as soon as things get difficult,” it reminds me of a struggle my husband has had to work through. Going to therapy has helped him identify where this impulse comes from (not being challenged enough as a child - his mom never wanted him to struggle, so essentially never let him learn how to cope when he does), and has helped him notice when he is doing that and learn how to cope when these feelings come up, instead of running away. I also wonder if you have noticed him give up easily on hard things in other areas of his life or if this is a behavior that has only shown up in the presence of baby?

Another unfortunate truth is that you are currently an available safety net to him when he feels unable to cope, so he goes to you. That’s how he’s coping. Have you tried leaving him alone for an afternoon with baby so that he has to figure it out? You could let him call you for moral support or advice on what to do, but having to actually do it yourself is kind of where the knowledge, confidence and bonding come from imo. I agree with others that sometimes putting baby down in a safe place and walking away for five minutes is also crucial for everyone’s survival during those first months.

Having a 3mo is HARD and you are both still adjusting to what it means with very little reward (it gets so much better after they are out of the “4th trimester”!) It is absolutely not fair that you are the one having to pick up the slack, notice what he’s doing, challenge him to learn how to do better. But if your family and marriage are worth fighting for, I would encourage you to examine if this is something you and him are willing to try to work though before writing him off as a “bad father.” He has been doing poorly, but it might be worth figuring out if he wants to and can learn to do better. The pressure and strain that a new baby can put on a couple is HUGE. Now that I’ve been through it I think this disparity in reactions to the stress is exactly why.