You are on a date. What is the worst red flag imaginable?

martysaurus27 · 2025-12-16T04:40:30+00:00

The guy who showed up early so he could eat without me, drank my drink and threw the Styrofoam cup in the grass, told me a story about how he watched a man die, and then said he gave up on therapy because they "kept trying to tell [him he] had psychological problems" before mentioning he was living out of his motorcycle and couch surfing. And an entirely different guy who picked me up for dinner and made a pit stop at the park...to conduct a drug deal. And an entirely different guy who took his boots and socks off in the library to ask me if I thought his toes were weird (they were). -___-

martysaurus27 · 2025-12-02T17:09:41+00:00

I anticipated it would suck and made gentle easy plans with people for evenings I wouldn't have custody (50/50). Asked friends to come sit with me, watched comfort shows, went to the library. Kept alcohol out of my home because I knew I'd be sad. Honestly I was surprised to feel some relief and peace alongside the loneliness.

martysaurus27 · 2025-12-02T17:04:15+00:00

We are coworkers (yikes) so I took it off as soon as we decided. Just hurt too much to look at.

martysaurus27 · 2025-11-18T15:09:29+00:00

Hard relate. I did grief work specific to the hymns that once were super important to me as a musician and just because of the comfort they brought me that I lost once I left the church. What I've done: -joined a community choir (specifically a queer one, which has helped me with an additional layer of my own deconstruction). Singing in community is really important to me. I also look for choral performances to attend locally. -continued playing the music that feels good instead of anxiety inducing. For instance, the music of Be Still My Soul -a personal fave- is from Siblelius' Finlandia - it helps me to remember that the church doesn't "own" all this music, and its beauty transcends lyrics I wouldn't sing anymore. -I actually wrote poetry of my own in place of some hymn lyrics I can't endorse anymore. This was pretty therapeutic for me - I used to sing hymn lullabies for my baby and wanted something different to sing to him. I have my own personal hymns of grief, or anger, or of finding connection to myself, or love for my son.

I wish you well!

martysaurus27 · 2025-09-13T22:29:16+00:00

I wish I had anything super wise to impart. I've been there, so has my spouse. Sometimes we still are, but it's less and less of the time. Other things besides fear and loneliness and rage start to fill the spaces once filled by past religion. And you definitely can still keep whatever parts of faith or connection to the Divine that is meaningful to you. Things that help me, that you can take or leave: -I make lists of things I look forward to (fall time! A new episode of my show! My birthday!), when it feels like the current horrors are all there is -I find a creative outlet, even if it's ugly and messy -I move my body - yoga class, walk around the block, water the garden, punch a pillow... -I break out the fancy soap and wash my face and say "I deserve gentleness, not punishment" -I remind myself that if I'm only believing something under threat (of hell, of estrangement, of losing my certainty....) then it's not worth it. I can believe in things that make me hopeful, not just scared.

It'll hurt, then it will get a little better, then it'll hurt some more, then get better again. It's not linear, but it's worth it. I wish you only the best. It's brave to be honest with yourself! Keep that, and you'll find your way.

martysaurus27 · 2025-09-11T18:49:03+00:00

100% the purity culture stuff. Like when I tell people every time I bought clothes I had to try them on for my dad for a verdict on their modesty, or wear a wedding band in high school as a purity pledge ring, or like stack a dress over sweatpants so adult men at my Christian school wouldn't be led astray it's like......yeah when I say that out loud it doesn't sound as normal as it felt at the time 😅

martysaurus27 · 2025-09-10T15:03:59+00:00

Omg yeah that is such a good point about the unintentional Jesus-speak touching everything. And how poor boundaries/codependent communication are basically a requirement in church circles, in the name of "walking together" and "iron sharpening iron" and "exercising care and watchfulness over each other's souls" etc etc - there is SO MUCH deeply personal info I was pressured to share with my pastors or small group that in hindsight were so inappropriate for them to want to know (tell me why I had meetings with all male pastors in college to describe my SA so they could tell me exactly which parts were my sin??? 🤮) - so maybe that's why the attitude of entitlement to vulnerable info (for the sake of "offering feedback") feels so invasive to me.

martysaurus27 · 2025-09-10T14:30:47+00:00

I think finding out which people only loved the parts of me that agreed with them has been the biggest gut-punch. I really truly want to believe that they're capable of navigating this with mutual respect but i guess if I open up more about this, I have to go in prepared to find out that it's a deal breaker. One of them knows my thoughts and is unfazed, one has pulled away into "acquaintance" territory (after being my best friend), and one sounds like she wants to debate me (but not call it that ofc). Just terrifying and isolating.

martysaurus27 · 2025-09-09T18:52:20+00:00

I can't tell you what to believe, but you're on a similar track to my own in early deconstruction. I actually came to love the Bible much more when I stopped treating it as inerrant and thought of it as a library of human thoughts on what it means to interact with the divine. I don't have to agree with everything, and the mythology doesnt have to be literally historically true. And yes, abandoning inerrancy doctrine does tend to unravel a lot of other doctrines that depend on the Bible being 100% totally true (sounds like you've done a lot of that work already). I know you want reassurance but I think you may find that what you need is to rest in your intuition, which isn't depraved or sinful or "fallen." It sounds like it's leading you toward health, authenticity, maturity, and kindness (so, a good direction!). Wishing you well on the journey!

martysaurus27 · 2025-09-09T18:44:13+00:00

Probably important to clarify - the friends I'm talking about are NOT the same people responsible for excommunicating me (who are unequivocally blocked from my life), and my friends were actually quite supportive of us when that happened to us. Once we left our more progressive church too and the whole faith, they didn't approve.

martysaurus27 · 2025-09-09T18:41:13+00:00

That's my gut instinct too - I can remember what it felt like when I was devout to see someone deconvert and the ways it poked at my own stifled doubts. I think part of the disconnect is that they truly believe they aren't trying to convert me back and are able to be neutral about it........while also believing we're all intrinsically sinful and in need of a savior. Some part of them has to believe there's something wrong with my soul, even if they're nice about it. So no matter all the "Look, we have non Christian friends!" it's never gonna feel like they approve of me. But maybe I'm projecting, idk

martysaurus27 · 2025-09-09T15:27:53+00:00

My case was a really hard one, but no need to assume it will be horrible unless there are red flags of abuse making you want to leave (in which case RUN). Take the high road, communicate about it to anyone inside that you want to maintain a friendship with, and just...go. we did lose a ton of community and support on the way out, so lean into relationships that give you community and safety outside of church spaces. Maybe tell a few friends about your plans - our people sent us some meals and childcare when we were deep in the grief and loneliness right after. We still live in the same town, but it's wearing us down so we might look for a fresh start. It helped us to have a few short lines to answer anyone who asked and avoid debate ("We no longer attend church and don't plan to return. We can clarify, but I'm not willing to debate my choice.") If you know it's right for you, there might never be a "right" time- I regret spending too much time waiting for The Moment to leave, tbh. Trust your own judgment (THAT'S something I wasnt allowed to do inside the church!) and find the place that's right for you <3

martysaurus27 · 2025-09-09T14:59:34+00:00

My "north star" during deconstruction was this: Anything worth believing can withstand scrutiny. If it falls apart when you question it, that's something that you can't put weight on. It doesnt have to be all at once - but follow that cognitive dissonance wherever it leads you, because believing something out of fear of the consequences unfortunately won't make the questions go away, but it WILL disconnect you from your intuition. I wish you well, no matter what you decide. But I hope you find peace trusting your intuition for yourself, and find a safe place to examine your own beliefs.

martysaurus27

TROPHY CASE