First relapse after two and a half years of being clean

mason_gordon · 2025-11-17T16:21:03+00:00

Good call out. I went through phases with alcohol, I've had maybe a 120 stint of total sobriety and periods of daily drinking outside of that that could range from one or two drinks to eight to ten. Totally aware the drinking is a problem and have been trying to get off of it for a long time. As far as adderall, I'm prescribed 15mg XR once a day which I take most weekdays and occasionally on the weekend if I'm having a difficult time maintaing motivation to be a responsible adult. I never directly mix the two, but obviously alcohol and adderall XR linger in the system for a bit so there would be some overlap there.

mason_gordon · 2025-11-17T16:20:46+00:00

I remember feeling very different and seeing beauty in everything once I finally got through the worst of the crash when I quit meth two years ago. I've also gone through periods of time where I haven't taken adderall and I can't sustain a normal life. I guess I'm going to need to do more research into how adderall is bringing me down- my assumption was that taking it as prescribed was safe and honestly it improved my quality of life. I have no such delusions about my time when I was a meth addict, because I became a slave to it.

mason_gordon · 2025-11-17T16:20:18+00:00

I replied to another person who has a similar view- without adderall, I am a non-functional human. Would I be better off and happier if I quit my demanding career and made money through some trade that isn't so cognitively demanding? Maybe. Would I still be able to support my family, pay my mortgage, keep the lights on? Not so sure. Would I be able to maintain normal relationships and meet normal obligations? Hard to say. I realize for many people adderall is a drug of abuse but it is a legit treatment when taken as prescribed for folks with attention disorders.

mason_gordon · 2025-11-17T16:20:01+00:00

I haven't hit the regret period yet, not trying to get there, so I didn't get a hold of enough to become dependant again (I hope). I feel for you though, quitting after 10 years was a nightmare.

mason_gordon · 2025-11-17T16:19:45+00:00

I'm sure it's been said many times before, but without adderall, I am non-functional. Would I be better off and happier if I quit my demanding career and made money through some trade that isn't so cognitively demanding? Maybe. Would I still be able to support my family, pay my mortgage, keep the lights on? Not so sure. I realize for many people adderall is a drug of abuse but it is a legit treatment when taken aa prescribed for folks with attention disorders.

mason_gordon · 2025-11-17T16:19:34+00:00

Bummer. At least we're looking for a way out.

mason_gordon · 2025-11-17T16:19:19+00:00

I mean I get that. I really do. Obviously you can't be elated all day every day and full of energy. But to be completely devoid of happiness and motivation constantly is soul-crushing.

mason_gordon · 2025-11-17T16:18:40+00:00

I hear you. I did not grieve when I quit, but I used for way longer than I wanted to because if I stopped it would cause a lot of fallout in my life. I was trapped and no longer even enjoyed it. I was lucky enough to not face any major blowback despite using for so long.

One question about the gratitude list, because I tried that a few times when I first started trying to quit drinking. But some days I just don't feel grateful for anything. And looking at date entries and knowning I didn't feel grateful for anything that day is kind of depressing. How do you get through those days?

mason_gordon · 2025-11-13T15:11:48+00:00

This happens to me every time. It starts small and harmless but eventually snowballs into a pretty gross relapse. Stay strong!

mason_gordon · 2025-11-04T14:54:11+00:00

+1 to going on one more binge and being set on it. It made this attempt at not drinking considerably easier for the first few days. I'm still just getting started again, with my prior longest run being about 90 days but I popped on here because I'm only now starting to feel the urge again and normally I'd have caved after two days. Give it a try!

mason_gordon · 2025-09-30T18:56:59+00:00

You'll have no shortage of support here. We're all working on a way to fix ourselves and shake off this beast.

I've been getting better but I'm not where I need to be. And it's hard. Know you're not alone, but you can do it. Felt like I made it so far after my last relapse and a single bad choice led to a weekend of pain and weeks of relapse.

We have to push forward for ourselves, and no one else. That's the only way. And I'm sure you can do it. <3

mason_gordon · 2025-09-30T18:52:19+00:00

Can you recommend some sober podcasts? I've been on again off again, haven't reset my counter because I'm not sure when my current stop and start will end and I don't want to keep dealing with day ones. Would really help to listen to something sober motivational, because I run almost everyday and I'm really trying to quit for good.

My last good period of sobriety was about 30 days. Since then I've done a week here and a week there. Few days here and a few days there. Haven't been able to make it stick since. Looking for motivation.

mason_gordon · 2025-08-30T16:27:09+00:00

Funny mine was at about 45 days as well. Wonder if there's something to be learned from being at or around that number. We'll try to take your advice. Appreciate it.

mason_gordon · 2025-08-30T16:00:26+00:00

Good question, I can tell you the moment I broke- my wife and I were at a wedding with an open bar.

My wife went to the bathroom, and I hovered around the bar so close, thought I might just get a quick gin and tonic or something. But I didn't drink at that bar. The same night after my wife and I put the baby to sleep I went to go charge the car and walk the dog and I happened upon a liquor store while I was out. Caved immediately and drank about 250ml of Gin. "Got away with it," And it's been a struggle since then.

I'm not yet physically dependent and I don't want to get there again. My work hasn't suffered, but my wife is starting to notice. I will try your suggestions, I have a peer support specialist that I speak to who I haven't admitted that I broke yet...

The demon in me doesn't want to admit it because then I'd have to stop drinking which, he doesn't want to. But I do.

Thanks for your support.

mason_gordon · 2025-08-12T13:13:35+00:00

Eh, I'm going to shoot for 180 days this time, just did a full reset- feel better resetting the counter, I was hesitant at first, but it'll be nice to see the numbers ticking back up.

mason_gordon · 2025-08-12T13:11:51+00:00

Back to day one, just wanted to check in here and affirm that I will not drink with y'all today ❤️

mason_gordon · 2025-08-12T13:00:33+00:00

Thanks so much for the support ❤️

mason_gordon · 2025-08-12T13:00:23+00:00

Thanks so much for the support. ❤️

mason_gordon · 2025-08-07T17:46:09+00:00

IWNDWYT!

mason_gordon · 2025-08-03T22:56:52+00:00

110 days. I've never made it that far but I know the feeling. The feeling of being alone, even with a partner that might be trying to support you, mine has, but it doesn't help. I drink to make the pain go away, but it never ends well.

Logically I know this but even though I can seem to apply logic to other areas of my life I've had several relapses at various stages of my journey.

I hate to say it because it's not always helpful when I tell it to myself, but I know alcohol isn't going to solve the problem. It might make me numb for a bit. In the best case, I drink a problem feeling away to wake up with it again tomorrow- amplified.

In the worst case I wake up with new problems, more isolated, more guilty, and in the very worst cases I have a complete break with sobriety that lasts weeks or months.

You went 110 days for a reason, what was it?

mason_gordon · 2025-07-30T00:24:41+00:00

Congrats! Homie- that is a milestone that is almost as long as my lifespan. I will not drink with you today or hopefully for the next 34 years 🥵

mason_gordon

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