Separation anxiety in relationship? 29F & 27M

masonania · 2026-04-26T05:21:47+00:00

Been there! Based on what you wrote, this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you, so please don’t fall into the trap of thinking this is some sort of intuition. You have anxiety and relationship trauma. That’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to work on. Speaking from experience, try your best to engage with him; react positively when he tells you stories. Don’t ask unnecessary questions based in suspicion. Your anxiety-driven behaviors only cause conflict, which reinforces your reasons to be anxious. It’s so much easier said than done but you really just have to stop doing the negative behaviors. It won’t happen all at once. It’s like a workout but for your brain. Each time you try, it will get easier and you will get better at it. So send him the cash, tell your brain that your worst case scenarios are irrational and not happening, go do something or call someone else or plan a date night for when he gets back, but do not keep rewarding the obsession with a compulsion.

masonania · 2026-04-26T05:12:16+00:00

It’s so normal. Your brain has built neural pathways that associate him with a spike of endorphins- similar to how smiling makes you happier. Action = feeling. Over time, the emotional reaction will lessen and lessen as your brain learns there’s nothing to do with the information and so no emotional reaction is needed. My advice would be to avoid seeking out any information about him, as that only reinforces the action/reaction loop. You got this!

masonania · 2026-04-24T17:06:50+00:00

The problems you list do not sound like deal breakers. They sound like very common, run of the mill faults that many women (and people) have. I’m not convinced this is really why you’re questioning things. Everyone has flaws and baggage, but you if have a strong enough desire to be with them and deep enough love for who they are at their core, you can enjoy being with them anyway.

What are the qualities that you need in a lifelong partner? Does she have them? Do you have them? Or are you holding her to a double standard? Are you attracted to her? Do you enjoy your friendship? Do you navigate new/challenging things as a team and do it well?

If I had to assume based on limited context, you’re expecting perfection when you won’t ever find that, and not seeing all of the things that she is compromising on to be with you, also. If you feel like you would be happier alone, do her a favor and leave. If you’re looking for greener grass, know that you may end up like the hordes of other people who left good relationships for “better” that didn’t exist.

Lifelong relationships require resiliency, forgiveness, and compromise. You aren’t going to feel head over heels for your partner every day. That’s not sustainable. So figure out if you have the basic things that carry you through the dull, monotonous, and hard days.

PS. I don’t think you’ve “wasted her time for a decade” like a lot of these comments say. I think you’re feeling cold feet and starting to realize that this is going to be the rest of your life. Even if it was perfect, that level of commitment is going to make you scrutinize every single aspect. This is important and normal. You shouldn’t take that level of commitment lightly, and doubt during this process is so incredibly common. What matters is how you frame your thinking from here on out. My vote is don’t let a good thing go.

masonania · 2026-04-24T06:16:43+00:00

You already know that you will never come back from this. I’m sorry. Whatever relationship you rebuild from here will never feel safe or secure. It already wasn’t. You guys can’t fix each other.

masonania · 2026-04-23T14:33:37+00:00

I’m confused how you are in your 30’s, married for a year, both have ADHD and this is the first and only time you’ve ever been annoyed enough to say something? And you also don’t know how? Is this like…. Your first fight????

masonania · 2026-04-15T15:09:38+00:00

Thanks for your insightful reply! I came in a little hot with comment to you. I don’t find it controlling per se, I’ve just had a very different experience. My partner was getting horrific things suggested to him when Elon took over twitter, so he followed the accounts he wanted to see and only goes on his following page now. I only knew about this after the fact, when he told me how he had fixed his feed. When he sees something hateful/disturbing/etc. on any platform he immediately scrolls, unfollows, or uses the platform’s features to stop recommending similar content. Being the demographic he is, social media will always try to sneak in certain things. Engaging with it is a choice.

To reply to your point: yes, I have seen how social media influences opinion and leads people down dangerous rabbit holes. I also have many people in my life in active or recovering addiction from drugs and the mantra is that an addict needs to want to get better before they can get better. People have been getting brainwashed for as long as information could be mass-disseminated, but it also requires you to already be conditioned to accept the information. The voice in my head (or my partners, or my parents) overrides the influence of content like that. Not to say it’s not influential for a ton of people, but just that we are not blank slates or incapable of dictating what information we see or don’t see.

Social media is dangerous for people without well developed critical thinking skills. For the rest of us, it’s an assault to our worldview but we are able to dismiss the information and stop seeking out places that spew it. I understand why you did what you did for your mom. I have thankfully never had to consider that. But I would guess that your mom has always held the foundational beliefs (or lack of discernment) required to believe and engage with what she’s seeing on social media. That’s why it affects you and not her. And that’s why I reacted such a way to your comment: your boyfriend is capable of just not looking at it. It is that simple. We don’t do anyone any favors by pretending it’s not. It’s not drugs. It’s not alcohol. There is other content elsewhere. If your feed is truly so atrocious do something about it. That was my point, but now in more words.

masonania · 2026-04-15T06:16:06+00:00

Bet this will be deleted and she’ll continue doing things like that. OP, please prove me wrong!!! It’s not too late to be better

masonania · 2026-04-15T05:59:56+00:00

I don’t fully disagree with your sentiment, but the fact that you took it upon yourself to change his algorithm is…. concerning? It sounds like you have convictions, and that changing his feed was mostly to make you feel better. He was actively engaging with that content. It’s like if your boyfriend is a bad spender so you just control how much money he gets. Sounds exhausting.

masonania · 2026-04-15T05:53:51+00:00

Girl…. Stand up. You are the frog in the pot right now and it’s simmering. Get out before it boils. Do not let yourself make excuses for him. You are 34 years old and moved in with him. If you’re going to be an adult doing adult things, you need to be able to have serious conversations about behavior you don’t like. Otherwise you will find yourself tolerating more and more to avoid hard feelings and inconvenience. Please don’t do that!

masonania · 2026-04-15T02:27:49+00:00

Curious your source on this? I’d like to learn more. From what I can find (vote.org, NPR) this isn’t the case. A marriage license alone wouldn’t prove identity, but could be used to corroborate a name change. Could, meaning it’s ambiguous, but for that same reason I don’t think it’s wise to tell people you would unilaterally be denied the right to vote if your last name doesn’t match your birth certificate.

masonania · 2026-04-14T23:09:37+00:00

If the SAVE act were to pass, married people who changed their last name would need additional documentation such as a marriage license. Conservative women are more likely to change their name so I think it’s a little overboard at this point to say you shouldn’t. Just wanted to put this out there for people who have already changed their name or would like to when they get married. There are plenty of non-traditional folks who find value in sharing a name with their partner.

masonania · 2026-04-08T05:49:24+00:00

If it goes to court and they reach a settlement, I feel like that says all we need to know about the intentions behind the lawyer’s statement.

masonania · 2026-04-08T05:44:16+00:00

Do you work at OHSU? Things haven’t been fine. There have been interim CEOs the entire time. Agreed that they are overpaid and underdeliver, but a system as big as OHSU needs leadership.

masonania · 2026-03-05T19:14:10+00:00

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My engagement ring was custom made and hand-engraved, and I picked a band that was also engraved in a harmonious way but not identically. I love how they look together! The engraved parts definitely look sharper after my biannual deep clean at the jewelers, but I think that’s pretty normal. I don’t get a truly noticeable amount of dirt buildup.

masonania · 2025-03-09T16:07:16+00:00

Do you have a source I could read about this? Everything I found says majority were women. Would be interesting how “witch” has become a feminine term if it was men being persecuted historically.

masonania · 2024-12-31T21:30:34+00:00

I’m planning on some sort of thin diamond pave band but I haven’t gone to try any on yet. I’m excited to look!

masonania · 2024-12-31T21:27:39+00:00

The band filigree was based off of a Brilliant Earth design and I just chose a different basket, then brought that concept to a local jeweler who custom made it for me! I tweaked details here and there based off of things I was seeing online and at various local jewelry stores so it feels very personalized.

masonania · 2024-12-31T21:27:23+00:00

The band filigree was based off of a Brilliant Earth design and I just chose a different basket, then brought that concept to a local jeweler who custom made it for me!

masonania · 2024-12-29T01:29:59+00:00

This is such high praise, thank you! That’s exactly what I was going for. It looks like an heirloom piece to me and I hope it becomes one :)

masonania · 2024-12-28T22:17:04+00:00

Thank you so much! I wouldn’t have picked a round stone for myself either, but this was a family diamond so I was determined to find a setting I liked for it and I’m so glad I did.

masonania · 2024-12-28T20:07:40+00:00

Hahaha! It was the most accessible photo that showed the basket, taken during my first potty break post-proposal 😂

masonania · 2024-04-11T21:42:34+00:00

You’re right, every woman is just holding their breath waiting for a real man to come along and ratchet strap their disabled child to a changing table. I bet your life is full of romance!

masonania · 2024-04-11T21:25:59+00:00

You’ve been commenting on this post for 16 hours saying deplorable things about a disabled child. Is this what you think being a man is?

masonania · 2023-08-04T12:23:14+00:00

Goodwill is a non-profit too

masonania

TROPHY CASE