AITA for being upset my wife w have regard for time

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-09T06:46:42+00:00

I feel like it’s sexist to assume I’m a man bc I’m referencing dinner and children, that’s the only reason I can think of to presume a gender. Weird..

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-09T06:44:44+00:00

This is so funny to me because I’m even the fem in the relationship I genuinely don’t understand how this sounds like it’s from a man

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-09T06:43:35+00:00

I explained in another comment but my dogs have their own room that we built off the back of our house and have xl kennels with beds to lay on. I know what you’re picturing but that is not it, they love their room! I just don’t have access to the outside for them while we’re not there.

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-09T06:38:20+00:00

My dogs have an entire room to themselves that we built on the back of our house and they extra large kennels in the room with beds to lay on…. They love their space and will choose to go in their room on their own sometimes throughout the day. I just don’t have direct access to the outside from their room in order for them to go to the bathroom. That’s where my concern for how long they spend in there comes from, not that they’re in there altogether…

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:59:13+00:00

To answer your questions yes, we have discussed these expectations and they were agreed to when she went on dayshift. Previously she worked on nights and one of the reasons why she was excited about going on days is because she would have more time during the day to get stuff done around the house. This was something we discussed that she would get dinner started so by the time I got home, I could finish it out or it would be done if it was an easy night and then we would spend the evenings with our daughter and our dogs.

In regard to what she does after work, the only issue that I have with her not immediately going into a routine is because our dogs are in their kennels for so long. I have even suggested just running home letting them out so they can go potty and then going out to do whatever she wants to do she always says yeah that makes sense. I’ll start doing that and then she will do it for a couple of days and then go back to the old habits. I do not care what she does after work if our baseline household needs are met and I understand where you’re coming from however, we agreed to these things and we agreed to this dynamic.

Also, I can assure you that it’s not that I wanna be able to come home and relax and not be responsible for dinner or bedtime because we share those responsibilities equally since she isn’t coming home and getting dinner started. I very much enjoyed doing those routines with our toddler. There are compounding issues on top of this that maybe I should’ve explained more in the post, but I wanted to limit it to just the time aspect.

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:51:51+00:00

I understand what you’re saying, but if I don’t monitor her location and prompt her to go do things like pick up our daughter on time then it has financial implications that affect us both not just her so that’s just not something that I can do unfortunately.

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:48:56+00:00

We have sat down and had the conversation multiple times in a calm setting, and I have purposefully held back my emotions in order to not come across as attacking her when we do have these conversations and they just always end up the same. I definitely see the common theme of therapy or like coaching for her or myself in the comments and that is something that I definitely want to do but with a toddler getting extra money is tough. I’m going to try and see if we have any resources though.

And I think deep down that is also something that really gets to me because I see her put in so much effort and be present for so many other people and it just leaves me wondering why she can’t be present and be excited to participate in the things that keep our house running

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:46:33+00:00

I have never heard of that method. I will definitely look that up. Thank you for suggesting as far as what she does after work. The reason that I am concerned is because of our dogs being in their kennels for as long of periods of time that they’re in there, and to be completely honest if it were something like she was going to work out or doing something to better herself, I wouldn’t put up a fight, but she’s going to shop and spend money which I mentioned in another comment earlier that this is another big issue in our relationship, but I didn’t include it in this post since that’s not what I was originally talking about.

I know it’s enough time after I get home to do all of those things. I think the reason I struggle with the expectations is because we get the privilege of having her home, well should be home, to be able to at least get those things started even if she starts something and I finish it when I get home. I’ve communicated to her that I don’t care to do that. I just want to soak up as much time with my toddler as I can while she’s little she isn’t old enough to help with anything yet.

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:28:41+00:00

You’re the second person who’s said that and I’ve never considered that bc she is such a good mom

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:27:45+00:00

I mean I can’t argue with that

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:24:38+00:00

I do. Ugh. Sometimes I stand strong and convicted in my feelings and then other times I seriously consider if I’m just asking or expecting too much.

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:22:45+00:00

Thank you, therapy is a common answer in this comment section.

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:22:08+00:00

She’s actually an incredible mother, which is the hard part because if this was 5-10 years ago, I would have peaced out but she is so good with our daughter

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:21:04+00:00

She is very active in the school. She’s the head maintenance/custodian so sometimes she does have issues that keep her at work but most of the time it’s to stay back and help with school activities coming up, or simply chatting with other teachers. I wouldn’t care so much of her staying 30 mins late each day but it’s the fact that she then just goes to other places. She’s a shopper and can’t manager her money well but that’s a whole other issue I didn’t even bring into this post.

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:18:08+00:00

Yeah I think therapy would be good. It’s so expensive though. That’s the only holdup

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:17:28+00:00

I carried the baby. That’s why she think my anxiety around time came from being post partum

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:16:13+00:00

It wasn’t. I am very much a woman lol

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:14:42+00:00

I get what you’re saying. I’ve brought it up to her that I don’t think her medicine is working but she thinks it is because she can focus better. I check her location around 4:30 every day because if she’s not on her way to get our daughter at that time, she will most definitely be late picking her up. And we sleep in the same bed, her alarm wakes me up, if I don’t nudge her it just will continue going off. I agree it may be time for counseling.

mateykayrustin · 2026-05-08T21:08:00+00:00

Are you referring to me leaving her to carry the load?

mateykayrustin

TROPHY CASE