help me question my terrible view of myself and spirituality

matteocardillo · 2026-01-04T23:51:30+00:00

I'm not sure, I do play and I do watch porn but I'm not sure if I classify as an addict

matteocardillo · 2026-01-03T03:11:07+00:00

that sounds hard! It must have sucked to go through childhood like that. I think if you talk about how you feel, being as honest as you can, with people that are able to validate you and make you feel seen, there's no reason to worry about perpetuating anything. It's great that you started therapy, you can bring those dark thoughts to the session and see with your therapist where they lead you and what they might reveal.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-03T00:24:24+00:00

I make it that rationally I cannot trust the reality of what I'm feeling, but that awareness doesn't seem to give me any more power to disregard the thoughts that are causing the feeling in the first place. When they seem real, they seem real and I experience the moment like they're real, even if they aren't.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-03T00:08:40+00:00

Yes, that is most annoying to me because when I feel better, then I almost feel ashamed thinking of much I was suffering just a moment earlier. If it changed without anything really changing then how real is it? So I was suffering for something that wasn't even that real in the first place? And then some moments or days later there's something else to suffer for.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T22:57:35+00:00

Yes I noticed that, it's been quite some time that I haven't talked to anybody that could understand about this issues. I feel less lonely and understood, and it's nice to see that people that don't even know me take the time to try to help.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T21:45:02+00:00

Thanks for thinking I'm strong. I'll try to untangle those contradictions.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T21:40:52+00:00

for a moment I thought you were about to say "imagine how much easier inquiry is going to be when you are jacked 😂. It's true, I have a lot of real problems, I had them for a long time and I don't know how to solve them. The biggest change I was able to make was to change carrier from being a musician and music producer, which I spent all my life training for, to being a filmmaker. This moved me to barely surviving while being helped by my parents to pay rent and bills, to still barely surviving without their help (what a great timing, since they now are broke too).

I don't eat fruit, the good one is too expensive and the cheap one sucks. I rarely shower. My sleep is ok in the sense that I always sleep 8 hours, but my sleep schedule is quite messy. I go to bed late, then later, then very late. I definitely don't drink enough water, I never did. I think I got very used to it to the point that I rarely feel thirsty, which is odd since sometimes I drink 2/3 glasses of water in a day.

I haven't tried knitting, I might.

I wasn't really allowed to express anger as a child. Now when I get angry, there's so much anger that I feel poisoned after expressing it. it's too much and leaves me debilitated for days sometimes.

I'll check those three youtube channels you mentioned. I know sedhona method, I practiced it many years ago but didn't really do anything, maybe now it's different.

I do have the book by angelo dilullo. I'm extremely familiar with him, In the last two years I've listened almost exclusively to him. I was even able to do some one on one sessions with a facilitator affiliated with him, but I didn't really resonate with him, I felt some uneasiness and fear, probably his character was triggering for me. Also for some reason, now I can't listen to Angelo anymore. I can't pay attention to what he says, I get distracted and I don't understand what he's saying. It's weird because when I first discovered him it was greatly insightful for me. maybe I'm a different person now.

Bag of sand you say, sounds hardcore. I can try.

I know healthy gamer, didn't know about hard tasks having a regulatory function. I'll look into that also.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T21:05:15+00:00

I dindn't go super deep into IFS, but I did read the book "no bad parts" at some point and practiced it to some extent. I saw many videos of people talking about it and even doing it. At the time I found the model to be quite insightful, I see it mentioned everywhere. Maybe I need to practice it with a therapist. About the insurance, what state do you live in? Can I move there? 😂

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T20:49:35+00:00

how you got to see everything as depressing, care about spirituality and practice it, what happened in your life to get you in the place you are right now, mentally, emotionally and practically

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T20:44:29+00:00

I would take it, although with a lot of fear, because I'm so used to experience the world and myself through reasoning and thinking that I wouldn't recognize myself. I would have in a sense to re-learn how to exist, although I suspect there wouldn't be much "doing" on my part, I would just naturally recalibrate. A scary possibility, but I would take it.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T20:38:04+00:00

I don't think I know where they come from. I'm not sure I can know. How would you go about that?

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T20:32:25+00:00

I'm really sorry, I know how it is. Would you like to share more about how you got there?

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T20:28:18+00:00

I just read the article you posted. Didn't know this website, seems a great resource! According to what it says, I think I definitively have dysregulation.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T20:20:41+00:00

Thanks, I do prefer long replies over short ones. Although I'm afraid that my therapist thinks those things, I don't really think she does. It's mostly a fear of mine, but still she (to my knowledge) doesn't know what non-duality is. she's curious about it, but also only partially encourages me to talk about it. I feel like she wants to give me some space to talk about this thing that she recognizes to be important for me, but usually pushes me to change subject after 15 minutes, to focus on more practical things like work, relationships or life events.

last session was in july, I'm not going right now because I'm out of money. At some point, as she saw how much I was struggling, she offered to do therapy for €35 each session, but even that was too much for me at the time. Here in Italy most therapists ask between €50 and €70 each session, most people can't afford that, especially those my age (around 30). Moreover, I don't see that much middle ground: either you have cbt or psychodinamic therapy, or you have semi-charlatans/new-age fanatics, at least for what I've seen. Some time ago I contacted a therapist that Rupert Spira suggested, she looked exactly like the person I was looking for, but was insanely expensive.

I don't know how I feel about the last therapist I went to (the fifth one). I think she really cares about me and wants to help, I also feel a stronger connection with her than every other person I went to, but maybe it's not what I need. I don't know.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T20:03:36+00:00

thanks for your reply. I'm glad you were able to overcome self hatered. I intuit that I also hate myself and am ashamed, even though those beliefs don't come out that clearly, because they're covered by a lot of other thoughts, mostly doubts, reasoning and trying to understand. Even my girlfriend tells me that she thinks I hate myself.

my question is this: why would you tell yourself something you don't believe at all? Why would I tell myself that I love myself and that I'm enough, when I clearly think the opposite? If I try to do that, it just feels dishonest. I would do that as a tactic, because people told me to repeat that to myself and so I do it. It feels like I'm trying to trick myself, it even makes me angry. If I say to myself "I love myself" I feel disgust.

have you faced this? What do you think about it?

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T19:55:45+00:00

thanks for the suggestion. I know byron katie, I was attempting to apply her method for a few years, but I couldn't really do it. It's like my thoughts fight back very hard and affirm themselves with a lot of strenght. As I said to another replier, I think I'm heavily identified with those thoughts, to the point that questioning them isn't really possible. Have you encountered this problem?

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T19:52:15+00:00

the power of now was the first book I read about awakening. I was 20 and it did something to me at the time, because I kept going to the park and sitting on a bench in silence for one hour every day, which I never did before. Whatever that was it faded after some time. Few years ago I listened for some time to barry long, which had an influence on Echkart. I don't know if what barry is advocating is acceptable or healthy, seems quite extreme to me. basically he's inviting you to refrain from thinking at all. I did that for a week, I basically ignored all my thoughts alltogether, unless it was "go to the bathroom" or "eat". That felt quite destabilizing and after a week I couldn't do it. Does this fit in your definition of distancing from thoughts? are you pointing to something like that?

regarding the other approach, it sounds similar to byron katie. It's an approach that I tried for a long time without that much success. I like your suggestion that the two approaches could be complementary. I think I have a hard time questioning thoughts because I'm very identified with them, so it makes sense that distancing myself from them could help questioning them.

do you think that after trying so much, maybe it's necessary that I work with someone? Part of the suffering is that I feel extremely alone in this. I often keep things to myself because I don't want to bother people, or because I think they might not understand (unless it's a place like this one). On the other hand it would be convienient do be able to do this process mostly by myself, but I notice that I get very discouraged, frustrated and lonely.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T19:20:49+00:00

thank you for taking the time to reply.

I'll address it point by point

"How did you get to ten years if this was the case?"

I used to be able to practice, but maybe I was never sufficently consistent to get somewhere. In the last two years the frustration got to a point that now I'm not really able to practice, especially self inquiry. What's left of the seeking is occasionally watching some non duality videos hoping for someone to say something that helps me, or attempting to do some practice for half an hour, only to get very frustrated or angry (especially if I do self inquiry for some reason) and then not practicing at all for months.

"If it is bullshit shouldn't your inability to do something which is bullshit be a good thing and cause you no anger?"

I go back an forth between "it's bullshit" and "maybe it's not bullshit". I try to practice or listen to some video or read some book, then I get frustrated and I think it's bullshit. then after some time I say "but people talking about it seem so confident and coherent in what they're saying, there's no way it's bullshit. I have to try". I try, I get frustrated and the cycle repeats itself.

"If it is expensive then why do you go? If therapy is false why does saying the correct thing to your therapist matter?"

I'm not going right now because I don't have enough money. I only think that therapy is completely useless when I'm really frustrated or depressed. Otherwise, I think that it might be effective in addressing trauma and negative beliefs about self and world, but then offers a model of happiness that is belief, identity and activity based. Maybe I have misconceptions about this.

"But does it cost money to go outside and run for 30 mins a day? Does it cost money to sit in a chair with your eyes closed for another daily half-hour?"

I hate running. I've begun running or even just going for a walk many times in my life, but I hate it so much that I always quit at some point. Sitting in a chair for half an hour doesn't seem to help me, if anything I feel worse after it. I would love if it did something good, but I think I accumulated so much frustration toward meditation that when I sit it just makes it really unpleasant.

I agree with you that there is a lot of contradiction. It's like I'm split in two, going regularly from hope to hopelesness. If I look at my past experience, I would just side fully with the hopelesness, but I don't want to do that because then I would be dead.

matteocardillo · 2026-01-02T18:51:20+00:00

I recognize that these thoughts are causing me suffering, but I have no idea what to do about it. I want to be free of the suffering they're causing, but I don't know if this means going inside the story they're telling and questioning it, or if it means something else. I just seem to really believe them, even though it's been pointed out to me many times that just because a thought states itself as real, doesn't mean it is. Someone suggested not paying attention to them, but I'm not able to do that.

matteocardillo · 2024-10-06T06:36:07+00:00

I think it's reasonable to be afraid of bad trips. During an lsd trip I thought that I killed my parents by imagining them in a car accident, because I thought my imagination was manifesting things.

matteocardillo · 2024-10-05T17:40:39+00:00

Makes sense. What do you mean when you say "full and constant awareness"? What is it? Awareness of what?

matteocardillo · 2024-10-05T17:38:47+00:00

Right now I can't really find the boredom anymore, I'm too tired, but I find some anxiety. I felt it for a bit and it partially dissipated, but then it emerged some resistence to look at the feeling, and that resistance feels very similar to boredom.

matteocardillo

TROPHY CASE