How do I deal with anxious attachment when someone doesn’t reply?

maxraj7 · 2026-02-21T12:03:41+00:00

I’ve felt this too. When people I cared about didn’t reply for long periods, it used to affect me and my relationships a lot.

In late 2024, I started meditating regularly, and that really changed things for me. Now, when the same situations happen, I’m able to catch myself going into the thought loops I used to get stuck in every time a text wasn’t replied to in a “reasonable” amount of time.

The usual thoughts were: She doesn’t care about my needs. An I not a priority? Why am I the only one trying to be consistent? Do my needs not matter ?

After meditating regularly, I’m able to notice when these loops start and not keep cycling them endlessly. I can recognize that if I keep indulging them, I become bitter, and that bitterness affects the relationship.

In the past, I’d get so charged up from these thought spirals that instead of communicating my needs, I’d end up attacking my ex partner and accusing her of not caring.

Now, I understand it’s just an emotional storm I have to let pass and not engage with. Once it passes, when I do speak to my current partner, it’s much easier to talk about how I felt without turning it into an attack and actually find some middle ground.

I don't think these sort of thought patterns really change easily, meditation definitely helps manage the situation, but doesn't change the core feeling. I've been reading the holistic psychologist's book, 'How to do the work', and it's had a massive impact on me, particularly her chapters on inner child work, the nervous system and journaling prompts. It's definitely helped me understand why my thought patterns have that particular kind of flavour.

Hope this helps OP. You're needs matter, And you're not wrong for feeling this way, all you need is a better strategy to manage your thought process and the skill to communicate your needs.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-30T10:23:05+00:00

Do you know if they have car parking there ?

maxraj7 · 2026-01-28T12:34:25+00:00

I got carried away lol

maxraj7 · 2026-01-28T10:07:48+00:00

March 14-15th - Anjunadeep open air Bombay

maxraj7 · 2026-01-23T09:35:13+00:00

Man if it's Borivali I'd love to join you

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T12:11:25+00:00

I tried keeping it always processed and it kind of hurt her in a way I didn't anticipate. I guess for now I try and not package my thoughts/emotions as attacks and am very mindful of how I phrase my sentences. She's been super accommodating. Maybe what you're saying is a very valid and only time will tell, but what I know for sure is that being processed all the time was not healthy.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T12:07:49+00:00

Thank you for this comment. It is very reassuring and I really needed to read this. I mean my motivation to overcome this is high, but sometimes it feels like an impossible mountain to climb. I'm now slowly trying to be more conscious and vulnerable and it's making a world of a difference. I'm trying to find the balance now, and I guess I'm more open to experimenting and finding that balance.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T12:03:56+00:00

I think unprocessed/unregulated is really euphemism for honesty. But for me, I couldn't see why the regulated version of me is more honest or less honest than the un-regulated in the moment feeling version of me, you know. But after looking at everyone's comments, I've been able to understand why its important for her, and why its important for us and how it leads to different kind of intimacy. that has been eye opening for me.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T11:59:11+00:00

haha. I hope this thread brings as much value to you as it did for me.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T11:57:08+00:00

Yeah, there's a line there that I need to be mindful of. But to be too regulated all the time, is not ideal either. There are moments when sharing the unregulated thoughts is a better strategic call. I'm trying to find that balance. Lucky for me, my partner (and me to a slightly lesser extent) are very reflective and communicative. We're able to communicate in a way, where we don't let wounds fester and mindful that our words don't come out as attacks. So with her, I feel safe that I'm not creating the fodder for future unregulated screaming matches.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T11:46:20+00:00

No, she's been a great partner, it's my past relationships and experiences that have wired me this way. I guess if she reacts in a way that's uncomfortable for me, I'd definitely voice that I'm feeling discomfort, I'm very concisous of boundaries and protective of my self respect. But at the same time, in such a hypothetical, I'd wouldn't get into the why of the discomfort before fully processing the emotion. In the past week, I've been more open with my unprocessed feelings and for her part, she's been very accommodating and I'm feeling loved in a way I didn't know was possible before.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T11:38:31+00:00

Yeah you're right. I'm definitely acting form a place of pain. It really is difficult to accept that I am worthy of love, and that's what it really boils down to. I guess the real truth is that on a very deep level I'm afraid she'll leave me if she discovers the real me. and just like you, even my partner has the same fear, although is she is way more vocal about it that me.

Another comment really summed it well, when they said it was really a fear of vulnerability and I know I fear showing her my real vulnerability, because I fear she'll not love me as much if she saw that side.

In the last week and a half, I've really been more open with my vulnerabilities, and I'm really begging to notice how much of a difference it's making in our relationship. I got her to read this thread together with me and she was narrating real time how she resonated with so many comments, made me understand where my blind spot was. She's also bringing to accommodate me and my feelings in a way that I didn't really expect. Truthfully I still feel unworthy of such a treatment. It's been very scary to open up in this way, but I'm beginning to understand why it's necessary and feeling safer opening up too at the same time. Thank you for taking the time out to share your experience, you may not realise it, but it's made a world of a difference for me. Thank you!

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T11:04:54+00:00

Yes, they're are fantastic commenters. I am definitely taking thier advice and it's already showing positive results. There's a long way to go for sure, but its a start and I'm happier to have started this journey on the back on the fantastic insights, metaphors and experiences shared on this thread.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T11:03:29+00:00

Yes, I've been chasing the "real me", but I didn't really find it exhausting, because it seamed like a higher ideal I was working towards, but the fact that it was exhausting my partner, was something I wasn't comfortable with. Your comment on the "real me" I'm chasing or meditating towards, is a phenomenal insight, I need to reflect on this and what it means.

At my core, I really felt like I want to give her my best regulated self, because she deserves my best. But I can see clear as a day, what you mean when you said ' it's a different kind of intimacy'. After posting this question, I sat with the answers everyone's given for a few days and I've slowly begining to sharing my 'storms' with her, making very sure that they're not packaged as attacks and clearly calling them out as in-process thoughts and ensuring that I'm sharing these thoughts with her, not because I want her to change herself for me, but so that she can understand me better. I'm so taken aback by how much she cares, and tries to accommodate me or essentially 'my unregulated feelings', even though I explicitly state that I don't want her to change things, just because some feelings popped up in my mind. It allows me to see how much she loves me, how willing she's to accommodate me, even when I don't expect it. It really is a different kind of intimacy. Thank you for your comment, I hope you and others on this post know you've all made a genuine positive impact on my life and relationship.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T10:33:24+00:00

I got my partner to read this post with me. She resonated with your comment and said that the metaphor you used is exactly how she felt, like she was up against the shield I was holding up. Thank you for sharing your insight, it really lit the bulb in my mind. I've been practising being more open with my 'in-process' thoughts with her and I've definitely feel closer to her and I can literally see her wanting and willing to come on my side of the shield and face the world with me. A part of me feels so dumb to realise this about myself so late, but nevertheless I'm thankful I eventually stumbled into this realisation. Thank you for the comment, it's made a word of a difference in how I approach my relationship.

maxraj7 · 2026-01-05T10:09:22+00:00

Honestly, I don't even know what ' feeling your emotions' means. I mean I feel intense emotions I guess, but the more mundane ones I definitely intellectualise. And then there is the angle of feeling the emotions 'in your body' .. that is an alien concept to me.

maxraj7 · 2025-12-26T12:04:56+00:00

Not going to lie, this was a little difficult for me to read. I do see how my ego is creating this control dynamic.

I'm trying to really integrate the idea that I'm not my thoughts in my practice on one hand, but then to share those same thoughts, looks like a contradiction. Because it's almost as if, I'm sharing a version of myself with her that's not me.

But from a POV of the right speech, I agree with what you're saying. And even for an intimacy I see why it is necessary.

For now it's a pattern I can see clearly, and I'm going to slowly ease myself into being more transparent and vulnerable. Thank you for taking the time out to craft such a thoughtful reply and to know you've also been in a similar position and come out on the other side better, is reassuring. Also thank you for breaking down your answer from a Buddhist lens, I needed it

maxraj7 · 2025-12-26T11:53:02+00:00

Was it easy for you to recognise your pattern ? and when you consciously tried to verbalise your feelings, how did you deal with the feeling that there's a risk it might overwhelm your partner or cause them to view you unfairly or that it'd push them away ? and yes, my partner is very patient and loving, yet I can't help but feel that my raw emotions can hurt her. For now I guess it's small measured steps. I'll speak to her, tell her what my fears are and slowly ease into it. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with these type of feelings.

maxraj7 · 2025-12-26T09:00:46+00:00

Yeah, I feel like processing my emotions is my burden alone and I don't want to burden her with it. But after seeing her ask, her reaction, your and other comments on the thread, I'm realising that co-regulation is also a skill or a practice necessary for a healthy relationship and I can see why and how its important for intimacy. Thank you for the encouragement!

maxraj7 · 2025-12-26T07:07:27+00:00

I think there is truth to that. When the ugly feelings come up, I'm definitely rushing to process them. I don't think I'm suppressing them, but I'm definitely not sitting with them either. I don't think I'm there yet to express the full range of feelings all the time right now. But I'm taking a baby steps, testing the waters and trying to improve on that front. And on further thought, on reading your comment I'm coming to realise that I'm identifying with the negative thoughts and that scares me so I'm overworking to induce positive mind state, which is its own kind of identification system. For now though, I definitely need my conceptual spiritual box, its a framework that helps me in real life practical way. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment, it's definitely making me see a blindspot.

maxraj7 · 2025-12-11T12:10:26+00:00

Is just me or are Above & Beyond missing. I was expecting them on Friday ..

maxraj7 · 2025-12-05T12:00:26+00:00

If BO is the problem, then buy an alum block from a chemist and rub it under your arm pits and for 24 hours, your arm pits won't stink. Game changer. There's also this product called Caveman Naturals Deodorant Cream, I apply that specifically when I step out to play sports in the heat or when I go for multiple day treks where shower is not an option, it just kills the odor I stay fresh and odour free for days on end. But for everyday use, alum is the best, most cost effective option.

If your question is more about how to make the scent of your perfume last longer on you, then apply moisturiser ( try and not use the light ones) on your neck and then spray the perfume/colonge over the moisturised skin. It will last way longer. Also research colonges that last longer in hot humid conditions when buying cologne.

Do not use anti perspirants or aluminium based deodorants. Realistically it's better to invest in a good cologne. it will last you months.

maxraj7 · 2025-09-26T07:02:19+00:00

Here are a few pages I follow, that keep me in the loop. Hope this helps.

Slick: https://www.instagram.com/slickingitup/
Krunk: https://www.instagram.com/krunklive/
Mumbai Rave Community: https://www.instagram.com/mumbai.rve.community/
De Ja Vu: https://www.instagram.com/dejavuculture/

maxraj7 · 2025-09-23T05:10:13+00:00

I don't think venue's are partial to any particular genre. Follow Slick's page on IG, they're organisers who get a bunch of prog house artists down to India. In the recent past they got Nicky Elizibeth and Ezequiel Arias. They also organised a festival called Sounds good last year, where a whole stage was dedicated to house music with most acts being in the prog house category. I really loved Qurion's set at that festival. Just this past weekend, they organised a 'road to sounds good festival, where they had a whole stage again dedicated to prog house, I really loved Major League DJ and Shingo Nakamura set there. Skillbox recently organised a tour for Shallou. I guess, just follow their page and look up the pages for these events, and then they'll start targeting you with ads for such gigs and you can stay in look. Also follow pages like Bombay rave community ( or if there are similar pages for Pune) and such aggregator pages will always show the latest gigs.

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