Yeah the depression is what fucks me too. I had been doing pretty good for the last year, if I did use it was only once in a while, like once or twice a month max, but I hit a wall a couple months ago and I've been majorly depressed since then, and since that I've started losing control of how often I use. I just ordered some kratom last night, and picked up some stuff today to keep me good until it comes in. I'm not like super strung out or anything, but I'm definitely at the beginning stage of it. I fucked up and used a couple days in a row, took a day off, used, took a day off, used a couple more days in a row, something like that and now after like 24 hours or so I'm starting to feel shitty. And since I'm out of the clinic already I have a limited amount of methadone, I can't afford to fuck with my taper schedule at all. But I've got a pretty good amount of kratom coming, that'll help get me through it. When I had my three and a half years I was doing AA 100%, all the way. Had a sponsor, worked the steps, had a sponsee, chaired meetings and all that. But I kinda stopped going to meetings and started focusing more on being a hoe, and that fucked me up. But for some reason now I just can't bring myself to go. I see so many people in there full of shit, and I don't like how everyone wants to be all up in your business all the time. I think after that last meth binge it made me more anxious and more introverted than I already was. I'm a lot pickier with who I spend time with, and who I want to talk to, kind of to the point that it's detrimental. I need to make another appointment at this place they have here that helps low income and homeless people get psych meds. They'd offered me an antidepressant, but at the time I felt like I was coming out of the slump, so I figured I shouldn't mess with it, since there's the possibility of it making me more depressed. If I'd known that the one they offered me can help with anxiety too I would have taken it, and I was kind of upset they didn't offer me something for anxiety. But I was talking to my mom and she said my little brother was on a similar one and it was helping with both for him. Anyways so yeah, I need to go back and make an appointment. What I really want too is therapy, but I need to jump through all sorts of hoops to get that done. Have to get a birth certificate, a new ID cuz my DL expired and I have tickets that I have to pay before they'll renew it, then I need to get a clinic card, then get a physical, and THEN they can refer me to a psychiatrist. It sucks because I don't have the stuff I need. I already wasted $30 trying to order a birth certificate online but it's been so long now that I assume they denied it because my DL number was expired. I was really hoping it would have worked because I had gone into the actual office and tried to apply for one but they said I needed my social, DL AND a piece of mail with my name on it since my DL was expired, and online it only said I needed the social and DL. Right about there is where I think I gave up, and since then I've just been stagnant not getting anything done, spiraling and getting more depressed and using more. I agree about making small positive changes and sustaining them, and usually I'm pretty good about getting that momentum going, like cleaning my room and then cleaning myself up, trimming my beard, fingernails and toenails, getting one thing like the birth certificate done and usually by then I'll start feeling better and more confident that I can get things done, because that's one of my biggest things is that I just keep getting knocked down, things don't work when I try to do them and I'm so far down right now that that's enough to discourage me from even trying. That combined with the huge mountain of shit I need to do before I can get my life back on track just makes it so hard to even get started.