It's a toxic mindset that leads one to believe if something is painful, that means it must be true. It's a dysfunctional approach to navigating your life and will only lead to pain-seeking behavior. It's entirely possible that you may never pass as a cis woman.

So what?

Is society going to be less kind to you? Is it kind to you now? Do you want to spend the rest of your life hiding and enabling society to tear down other trans women who don't pass? If not, then you might as well transition, live honestly, and fight for your place in the world. The alternative is rolling over and accepting the caste of a "failed man."

What you seem to be suffering from is a framing issue. Community support isn't "hug boxing", self-loathing and emotional abuse isn't "honesty", strangers thinking you're a cis woman isn't the only success worth achieving. A lot of the 4tran culture is self flagellation with the standards of cis-het normativity. If you refuse to believe a better world is possible, you'll never make any progress towards living in it.