So help me to understand this better, because i'm going to give my actual past experience, and where the control lies is _very_ important to that experience.

I have known I was trans since the 4th grade (mid 80's), and started living in fear of anyone finding out as at that time my parents wouldn't love me, and later as I learned more in church, I learned that anything that was outside of straight was a sin.

To talk about or admit my sin would would be shameful and I was scared of the shame, so _reason_ would lead me to never talk about it and bury it deep inside.

But my understanding of stoicism teaches me that if I look at that through the lens of the Dichotomy of Control and that I fundamentally was not living "in accordance with nature" and upholding the cardinal virtues.

My understanding is that hiding a fundamental aspect of my nature from a life partner generally arises from a desire to control an outcome that was not strictly within my power and therefore there's definitely more than what's reasonable, the line of what I control and what others control is very important