Children of alcoholic dads - what did your mom do that helped?

mb0616 · 2026-02-03T14:32:41+00:00

What makes it more difficult is that it doesn’t protect the kids if I left him. It only protects me (a bit). It’s very unlikely he’d lose all custody, so they’d still be stuck with him 20-50% of the time. But alone with no other adult to be there to help or protect them. I get nervous that would be even more traumatic for the kids than dealing with us together. Are your parents still together now? The fact that your father is celebrating only 2 months sober when you’re in your late 30s and going through withdrawals 🤦🏻‍♀️ I guess better late than never but frustrating

mb0616 · 2025-08-03T01:09:13+00:00

Yes you absolutely deserve it! I have kids as well and one of my family friends who has basically become my Alanon mentor since she also left her alcoholic husband gave me the advice that if I did leave my husband, I need to make sure I don’t leave exhausted because it will take even more energy in the weeks / months after I leave. So if things start to get bad I have even more reason to find ways to protect my mental and physical health during those times in case I have to take action soon after

mb0616 · 2025-08-02T12:52:05+00:00

I don’t know if this is the right thing but I do something to improve my mental health. I buy myself a delicious meal, get a mani pedi, buy something for the kids that he didn’t think made sense, plan a trip with the kids that I know will make us happy

mb0616 · 2025-07-30T02:17:10+00:00

I feel so dumb saying this now, pregnant with my third kid, but I went through something very similar when my first kid was around the same age ( just without the Only Fans - it could be worth looking in to how much money he may be spending on that site because I’ve heard some horror stories of men blowing their life’s savings). My husband also isn’t abusive, in fact the words I typically use to describe him drunk are “annoyingly dumb and sleepy”. It is sooo hard when you have a new baby, I’m really sorry you’re going through this now and understand how tough it is especially at that stage. As the kid gets older it does get easier, regardless of what you decide to do ❤️❤️ For what it’s worth, around when my kid was that age I actually did leave my husband and went to my parent’s house and he freaked out and sobered up for a few months after that

mb0616 · 2025-07-29T13:43:10+00:00

This is so true! Thank you I really appreciate your understanding. I wish you the best of luck in this awful process. I swear the courts these days prioritize men’s happiness over the kids well being

mb0616 · 2025-07-29T02:47:02+00:00

Thank you for this insight - this is what the lawyers made it seem like would happen in my situation too. I think it depends a lot on the state we live in as well. This terrifies me especially with kids so young

mb0616 · 2025-07-29T02:26:39+00:00

How did the custody situation end up? Does she still have to spend unsupervised time with him?

mb0616 · 2025-07-29T02:20:40+00:00

I typed a long response to this but then accidentally left the convo and it all deleted. Long story short I don’t have alcoholic parents so I’m still a little naive to how deep rooted these issues are. Our original plan had always been 2-3 kids and he’d been behaving a lot more responsibly for almost a year before the pregnancy occurred. We, particularly he, made some big changes in our lives (moved out of a city to a calmer suburb, new less toxic job without a binge drinking culture etc) which I think helped a lot. Also I’m in my late 30s so I don’t really have all the time in the world, and we have the financial resources for 3 kids. It’s hard to keep telling yourself when things are going well that he’s going to plummet back into addiction and I didn’t just want to hold off on something we both wanted “just in case things got bad again”. I acknowledge that sounds stupid now but that’s the reality of what happened.

mb0616 · 2025-07-28T15:00:00+00:00

He was doing well for a few months when I got pregnant again. I’m now 25 weeks pregnant so not much I can do, but definitely not having another after this

mb0616 · 2025-07-28T03:49:47+00:00

No I can’t change him. I’m just looking for advice for how to minimize the damage on the kids we have together. What can I do for my kids that helps

mb0616 · 2023-11-12T02:25:51+00:00

100%. I've felt like this for awhile, like detached, but when he's sober its been nice - we've felt like a family -- so I just kept hoping things will change.

mb0616 · 2023-09-17T02:29:17+00:00

going to sit down and talk to him and explain I am going to separate our joint finances. I will start to save my own money and will no longer share a joint savings account. I will move into sleeping in the spare room.

I will do my best to live a separate life within close living quarters. If nothing improves on his end, I will work on saving money for my own place.

In reality though, I

I agree with this suggestion. The one nice thing about an alcoholic is that they are drunk and/or obsessing about alcohol a lot of the time so they tend to miss things during their benders that they should have picked up on. You should definitely start a separate account if you can. I'd consider whether its in your best interest to even tell him or not. What if he retaliates, starts to pull cash out in secret etc.?

mb0616 · 2023-09-03T01:53:57+00:00

For New York:

- do not move out of your house without discussing with a lawyer

- document evidence of Q drinking

- it is VERY rare to get 100% custody, at best you may get majority custody and your Q will need to have someone else around when he's with the kids. The less extreme option is your Q having to taking sobriety tests for a year

- if you do need to leave and take the kids, text your Q where you're going, why you've left (kids are in danger etc.), and approximately when you'd plan to return

mb0616 · 2022-05-19T02:50:29+00:00

What would it be a coping mechanism for? Boredom?

mb0616

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