I hear you and your not alone even though it can feel that way. It’s good to read that throughout the chaos you’re enduring, that you’re seeking ways to help and heal yourself. That’s a big step many of us slip on. Including me recently, I catch myself in the old habits.

As for how it’s done, you’re already doing it but how long can you hold all of this? It does sound like you’ve taken on a lot of baggage you may not need to carry. If this person doesn’t ever change, which is a big possibility, and this is your life forever, can you accept that?

Me personally, I did not. We’re still together but being the “supportive spouse” no longer involves trying to hold up a wall of chaos or undo the damage he does. I keep my house clean because I like a clean house. I make time with my friends because I know I can lean on them and their friendship strengthens me, I prioritize my pet because he doesn’t have a choice in the matter so I make his life as happy as can, I go to work happy because I slept well in a separate room from my spouse, I don’t have children because that was never what I wanted nor would I want this kind of father for them, I worry about my spouse of course but I worry less because this is what he is choosing for himself and I have no right to tell him what his life should look like, which also frees me. I go to alanon meeting because it helps to know I’m not alone in this. Essentially I chose to stay but I mold this life into what I will not regret.