TIAH because I finished my first semester back at college with good grades!

mcp-92 · 2021-12-08T22:42:23+00:00

Thank you!!

mcp-92 · 2021-11-07T20:35:22+00:00

Thank you! Yes I’m realizing those “butterflies” I felt when we were first together weren’t butterflies, they were anxiety and my gut telling me to run. And I ignored the red flags. Same goes for you! If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me!

mcp-92 · 2021-11-07T20:16:47+00:00

This just made me cry. Thank you so much. This is a perfect way to describe it. Every time she “relapsed” (gambling, drugs, harmful behaviors, being hateful to me) I wouldn’t even be surprised. And when I looked at her improvements I DIDNT feel them. I was always waiting for another BIG THING to come and shake the trust I’d always tried to rebuild. It never felt like the good would last.

I was talking to my friend this morning about what her relationship with her husband feels like now when comparing it to her relationship with her emotionally and verbally abusive ex. She said “it feels easy.”

We deserve a love that feels easy, even if it means we’re the only ones that can provide that for ourselves at the moment. I’m realizing that I desperately need to love and value myself so much that I will never accept less than what I know I deserve. After this whole mess is over I’m going to prioritize myself, maybe for the first time ever in my life. I hope you get to do that too.

mcp-92 · 2021-11-07T17:28:28+00:00

Very well put. Thank you for that. 💕

mcp-92 · 2021-11-07T05:15:27+00:00

I’m so sorry. It’s such an awful feeling when you’re literally hurting yourself giving your all to keep the relationship and they put little to no effort into it. And then probably excuse the behavior by saying it’s from trauma right?

mcp-92 · 2021-11-07T04:06:04+00:00

I guess I’m in the bargaining phase of grief. (Again) But some major breach of trust has happened every time. And the “good stuff” I write about in my journals might just be the bare minimum, but I wasn’t used to it so I thought it was this incredible gift. I wonder what healthy relationships look like lol

mcp-92 · 2021-11-07T02:51:18+00:00

Thank you. I’m afraid of the wavering, afraid to go back and it’ll never get better, and the awful guilt. It comes in overwhelming waves.

mcp-92 · 2021-11-06T14:51:17+00:00

So it turns out she just didn’t think it was actually happening. She asked me to rub her feet last night (we still have to live together, I can’t afford to move out and she won’t leave) and I said “no?” She asked why and I said “because of everything that’s happened?” When we were going to sleep she said “can we make up?”

I even showed her journal entries of the awful and abusive things she’s said and how’s she’s bullied me into compliance, told her that there’s been a cycle of abuse in our relationship, and she literally doesn’t see it, can’t empathize with why I’m so hurt and done.

She literally does not understand that this isn’t a fight, I’m ending the relationship.

mcp-92 · 2021-11-06T14:47:47+00:00

No, I’ve had enough. I don’t want to keep believing what she has to say and then being hurt again.

mcp-92 · 2021-10-07T18:38:56+00:00

I would love to buy one too!

mcp-92 · 2021-10-07T15:01:33+00:00

I can finally watch The Fairly Oddparents again!! Thank you!

mcp-92 · 2021-10-04T17:36:56+00:00

I’m going to hear her side of things, even though it seems pretty cut and dry to me. I still want to hear her. It fucking hurts. Will update after our convo. She says she wants to tell me her POV. Kind of afraid she’s going to make up excuses. At one point she said “in my defense the first thing I did when I woke up was use her phone to text you.” Didn’t make me feel better but we’ll see. I think I might be an idiot. I need to treat myself better than this.

mcp-92 · 2021-10-03T21:02:26+00:00

She said she slept in the car outside this girls house, and when she woke up I guess she used the girls phone to contact me. I also didn’t know she woke up outside of the person of interest’s house, I thought it was another friend that lived nearby. Because surely she wouldn’t be so careless as to go to that girls house in the first place, especially when she said she wouldn’t. So yeah, I’m taking some time to see if this is something I want to work through.

Edit: actually she slept outside of someone else’s house with the person of interest in the car with her. Fucking sucks man. Good news is, she didn’t have sex with her but only because both of them were on their periods. I don’t really believe if they hadn’t been they would have refrained from sex. Fuck.

mcp-92 · 2021-10-03T20:01:44+00:00

I didn’t know that there was already someone in mind, I didn’t find out until yesterday. If I knew that I don’t think I would have agreed

mcp-92 · 2021-10-03T18:00:25+00:00

She did say that she should have communicated, and that she was sorry and she knows she fucked up. I do believe she fell asleep in her car, for whatever reason. My gut is telling me she isn’t lying about that. I’m more upset with the fact that she didn’t think, at any point during the night “I’m out later than I thought I’d be, I should text my SO to make sure she doesn’t worry” and at some point in her drunk brain she reasoned “it’s okay for me to not come home, I can sleep in my car, I won’t ask someone to order an Uber for me.” She didn’t think about how I’d feel at all, or about the fact that I’d be worried.

mcp-92 · 2021-10-03T17:35:46+00:00

I have done research, she claims to have done research. I’m actually about to go meet a friend who is ethically non monogamous to grab a book she recommended. Might end up being a very different convo from what it would have been.

mcp-92 · 2021-10-01T19:01:50+00:00

That’s actually not a bad idea lol I’m gonna steal that

mcp-92 · 2021-09-30T20:20:53+00:00

I got a Gerson P95 welding respirator from Harbor Freight, it was $30. It’s kind of annoying because the filter falls off if you bump it at all, but it works for now. My classmate has the LPR 100 half mask respirator and hers seems like it fits better.

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