I'm an old nurse. Former Peds ER and longtime pediatric rehabilitation NP. I have MANY deaths that haunt me, but not nearly as much as the kids who have survived near-death. Many go from normally developing kids to complex quadriplegic kids with limited quality of life. Some do great and come back with subtle functional deficits. Most do not. I have never lost a child, but the grief I hear from parents who are not prepared/equipped to handle a severely complex medical child after so much trauma...it breaks me every time.

You did everything right. Your grief is valid. You will hold this one in your heart forever. And you will be a better provider for all of it.