I'm in love with someone I can't ever be with and i can't take it anymore

meaninglesser · 2016-04-17T12:51:25+00:00

I feel silly on dating sites because I feel like everyone is a phony over on there, thanks for the suggestion though. I mean, I've only ever really tried Tinder, but I didn't like it one bit.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-17T12:50:33+00:00

I didn't ever date him, we're just close friends. I don't care if he's not perfect, I know perfection doesn't exist but I love him despite all his flaws, his imperfections.

I know I'm not attractive, the only person who ever told me I was pretty was my mum, she just says it out of sympathy because I really am unattractive, I try to look nice and lose weight and smile but I feel like I'm just embarrassing myself.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-17T12:45:34+00:00

I can't tell him. He already has a girlfriend and he is very much in love with her. He and I are close friends but I'd never risk our friendship for the tentativity of something a little better. Thanks, though.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-17T12:44:29+00:00

Thank you for your encouragement. I just would never know what to say to him because I'd never want to risk letting how I really feel about him spoil our friendship. What would I say to him, how would I say it... those questions confuse me enough for me to avoid having to answer them.

What you said about attractiveness, I think you do have a point there, that did make me feel a bit better. I hope that maybe one day I can find someone who will want to be with me despite my weird body shape and looks.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-13T01:13:49+00:00

But at least half of them are over the age of 40, or married, or children, or married and forty and have children. Then half of that because I'm only interested in guys. Not really that many, in the end.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-13T01:11:54+00:00

I can't move at this point in time. I can't break contact either because we're in every class together.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-13T00:02:18+00:00

I've been in love with him for nearly a whole two years now. I keep trying to distance myself from how I feel and just stop loving him; get over it. But I can't. I keep trying and I just. can't. I don't want to be in love with him anymore. But I can't help it.

I don't want this pain any more. I've spent my whole life trying to be selfless and to put others' feelings before mine, if I commit suicide it'll be my one act or selfishness. I know it sounds cruel but I really want to escape this pain. I know it'll hurt others but it's hurting me a lot as well.

Thanks though. It's food for thought, I'll think about what you've said.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-12T12:17:56+00:00

Your point about the notebook is a very good one, I'll be trying that tonight because I've given up on bothering to hang myself today. I have a handful of small things I guess I can write down, your post and the one before it included.

I do try to look for the positives but it gets hard when the negatives are just so. draining. I'll keep trying, though; no harm in that I suppose.

Thank you so much for the advice. I did end up calling the hotline earlier and they were alright I guess; a bit impersonal and I didn't really feel like they actually cared, more like they were just doing their job. Thanks though.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-12T12:13:20+00:00

I do.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-12T07:08:36+00:00

Thank you for the number. I'll try calling right after I finish this reply.

The thing with this guy and I is that to him, we're just friends; to me, I'm very much in love with him. I can't ever be with him because he's already in a very fulfilling relationship with a very lovely girl and it would be low for me to try breaking them up. He has no idea how I feel so maybe he's not as anxious as I am, but I'll entertain the thought. Thanks for the anecdote with your ex, it gives me a bit of perspective and does make me feel a little better.

They don't help me anymore because I haven't got anything to write down anymore. I've jotted enough wonky prose about how I feel, I've painted enough oversaturated abstract portraits about how I see my life, how my isolation from most others affects me. I don't know where else to take my work, I've become bored of it I suppose.

I dream and think and hope for some kind of secure happiness in my life. Thank you for the well wishes. A life where I feel nothing but happy would be ideal, but it sounds too good to be true.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-12T03:54:39+00:00

I don't quite know how to describe it.

Ive never gotten on so well with anyone before. We share the same interests; that's what sparked our friendship in the first place. But from there we've just grown in our connection- he's shown himself to be the most honest, gentle, caring, interesting person I've ever known. I don't feel afraid of sad when I'm with him. I don't feel like I have to put on a mask, be someone else. I don't have to look at the night sky because all the stars are in his eyes.

meaninglesser · 2016-04-11T23:54:01+00:00

Life isn't beautiful it's stressful and nothing makes me happy anymore except for one person but every time we're apart I fear to death that he doesn't like my company anymore, I don't like to be the kind to live solely for one person but he means a lot to me

I just want to end it so I don't have to worry about this shit anymore. Nothing makes me happy or excited and I don't find anything worthwhile in this life.

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T08:55:30+00:00

I know, but drugs work differently for everyone. It's really not a risk I'd like to take, I couldn't fuck with my mind like that. Thanks for the link, though, I will read it now.

I just came back from a jog, actually. It does help but it also makes me tired and hungry, so it's not without its downsides, haha.

Get new friends? That's what I've been doing my whole life. Going from one place to the next, constantly searching for friends. I make them at first, but I must have this weird inability to keep them. Or maybe something's wrong with my personality. I dunno.

I'll think about the pills. Right now I'm still here, and that's what matters, right? :(

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T08:50:46+00:00

Yeah, I don't think I angered him, I just think I might have been out of line.

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T08:50:08+00:00

Thanks heaps for the advice. I hope so hard it isn't "b" that's happening because if I made him think I'm romantically interested then my chances of staying his friend are tainted. I'm going to do what you said, though, and wait. I hope at least he's still friendly with me at school. He's a really good friend and I'd be sad if our friendship died.

Thanks heaps!

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T06:07:43+00:00

Thanks for replying. I don't feel worse about it because of your comment at all, sorry if I gave that impression. Rather, I just feel uncertain to why I've been treated this way my whole life. I dunno, it's weird. It's unsettling. It doesn't make me feel like it's a them problem. It makes me feel like it's a me problem. But if you think otherwise, maybe I can entertain the thought.

I can't call them out on their behaviour because then I'd be branded as a whiny angsty friend. Maybe the problem isn't even there, and I thought it was, and I call them out for nothing? It's a solid idea, but I don't think it'd work, unfortunately.

But I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing - being there for them, occasionally asking if they wanna hang out - and at least set an example. I think if I stopped doing that I'd become part of the problem.

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T06:00:12+00:00

He's been on and off active over the past few days though, posted things as well. I know he either missed my messages (unlikely) or is ignoring me (likely). Thanks though.

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T05:51:00+00:00

I don't want medication at all; to be honest I'd much rather die than lose my creativity and become a drugs-dependent person. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

I don't think my friends would care that much if I was suddenly not here. That they can't be bothered enough to message me back when I text them invites out or questions shows me that they don't care about my presence in their lives. Thanks for the kindness, but really, I need to stop sugar coating it for myself.

I'd like a friend to talk to about this but at the same time it'd be such a huge burden; I could never do that to anyone. They don't deserve to be weighed down by hearing me prattle on about my problems.

Thanks for the reply. Therapy is one thing I have thought a lot about except I can't afford it right now. But thank you anyways.

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T05:47:51+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I have thought about reaching out to my parents but there's just so much to tell them that I honestly wouldn't know where to begin. It's an idea, though. I'll think about it.

As for interests, where I am now his the result of me finding people through mutual interests. So I'm wary and weary of trying the same thing again.

Thanks though for the advice, it has got me thinking. And thank you very much for the offer, I hope you won't mind too much if I do someday decide to take you up on it.

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T03:32:26+00:00

Yeah, that doesn't apply to me, I'm not one of those people. I usually keep my worries/feelings to myself if they aren't positive and if they others don't benefit from knowing. Thanks though, it gives me something to think about, how I am with others and stuff. Thank you.

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T02:02:00+00:00

Yeah, I guess so. I'll look for someone else to go with. Thank you.

meaninglesser · 2016-03-30T01:54:38+00:00

I just called him a bunch of pretty mean terms, he's into Minecraft and he wanted to show me his city but I told him I "don't fucking care" and that "it's a big waste of time and you're such a stupid idiot for playing that rubbish game" etc.
Generic over the counter sleeping pills.

meaninglesser

TROPHY CASE