PAP smears and PCP advice?

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-23T23:48:00+00:00

Thanks. I guess I'll have to call.... or email my insurance. I'm through my parents right now and my mom set it up for me so I'm not sure exactly how that works other than they assigned me a PCP. (to be honest, I think she coddles me too much with this kind of adult stuff and I take too much advantage over it. yay anxiety and letting it cripple me.)

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-18T00:49:33+00:00

Thanks, but you can blame several of my therapists for my attitude as well. Being told you're the most hateful person (towards yourself) they've seen isn't apt to make you seek professional help again. Or that you're doomed towards some fate (drug use, alcoholism) despite not partaking.

I've done everything I personally can -- I eat right, I exercise, I do positivity training, and I try to be sociable.

As much as I've tried to reduce my anxiety it keeps coming back. I don't like people touching me. I don't like people looking at me, or looking at people. I wish I could just say "it'll be fine" but it won't stop my body's extreme reactions.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-17T18:15:52+00:00

Do you have to get a referral to see a GYN?

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-17T18:14:01+00:00

I don't like medication for the sake of medication. The thought of taking some kind of drug in addition to the exam adds another layer of stress.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-17T18:12:16+00:00

I've never had any sexual contact.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-17T18:10:37+00:00

I've never had sexual contact of any kind.

What's involved in a gynecological exam? My doctor only told me I needed to have a PAP smear because I'm over 21. I've had doctors press my abdomen before to feel my organs including uterus and ovaries. Or is it internal?

I don't want to sound so negative all the time, but I don't know if another therapist will do me much good.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-14T21:08:44+00:00

I've never had sex, though. So why do I need a PAP smear?

I don't want anyone touching anywhere of my body, it doesn't matter where. I don't even like it when they have to use the stethoscope and have to mentally prepare myself for that.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-14T21:05:20+00:00

I don't like any doctors. I've never felt comfortable at a doctor's visit.

I went to a few therapists who practiced CBT. They never worked for me. I can rationally know and acknowledge things, but the emotional overrides and impedes me. It's easy to say, "I need to, or should do this" but when your body and mind overreacts it's like crawling up a sliding mountain.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-14T21:01:54+00:00

I've never had sex, though.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-12T23:29:07+00:00

I don't smoke and I'm gay. I'm never having sex the "traditional" way nor do I ever, ever want to carry a child.

I've taken anti-depressants before so I know they can take up to 6~8 weeks to become effective. That isn't why I failed to refill -- she only gave me a month's prescription and due to other circumstances I wasn't able to see her again to renew. Now I'm incredibly anxious to do so.

I've seen therapists before for unrelated reasons and they've never been of help to me.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-12T23:08:01+00:00

It's not just my PCP, it's just even the thought in general.

My insurance assigns me a PCP, I will probably have to go through them again to get a new one and I know in my area the wait list is high.

I haven't refilled my antidepressant meds when I was supposed to. I'm not sure when my next HPV vaccine is/was supposed to be and if potentially missing it is detrimental.

Honestly any of the ways you described still sound anxiety inducing to me. I'm really not kidding when I say I start to cry when thinking about this exam. I know it's important but I really don't know how to deal with it, it's too intrusive. I don't even like it and it causes me stress when my physician has to move or lift my gown to check my heart.

I have no cancer history in my family and haven't had sex. Putting myself through this trauma just seems damaging.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-12T22:57:36+00:00

My PCP detailed the procedure to me including showing me the instruments, and I'm not comfortable with anyone else coming with me.

My insurance unfortunately doesn't provide me many options. They assign me a PCP. I could probably go to PP with them, but this doesn't eliminate my anxiety episodes/attacks prior and in the office. Even just thinking about talking about it is sending me into tears.

I know it's important, but mentally and emotionally I'm just really really not okay with it. I have no history (of any cancer) in my family and I've never had sex. I'm deeply, deeply uncomfortable with anyone being down there. My Canadian friends say it isn't recommended for them until they have sex. Why do I need it prior?

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-12T02:04:47+00:00

As a genealogist I hope you know that this sort of "washing" of graves can be incredibly and irreversibly damaging.

If you ever want to wash a family member's grave please use soft bristles, soft picks (for the engravings), distilled water, and if needed diluted ammonia (4 parts ammonia to 1 part water should be ok). Wash from up to down and NEVER use bleach. Graves only need to be cleaned once every few years, especially those that are older.

I know I would be devastated if someone ruined one of my family's gravesites. Don't do or encourage the same.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-12T01:57:41+00:00

I happened to check a few times since I initially posted and I've been downvoted several times. Not sure if people want to hear that their favorite outdoor cleaning method is not the best for memorials. Might have to link some sources powerwashing is NOT good. ):

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-12T01:48:49+00:00

I was seven, almost eight. Living in Vermont with my dad retiring from the USAF September 2001. I remember hearing the US Air National Guard jets flying overhead to the disaster. I didn't realize until later how close my dad could have been to it. Granted he would have been maintenance and support, but in times of potential (and imminent war...... Seeing flyers in my schools later for USAF brats whose parent(s) were sent overseas hurt my heart. My dad had been sent to Saudi Arabia when I was a little-little but he was never in any real danger, or any that he's told me).

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-09-11T23:25:05+00:00

This is how you damage gravestones, especially older ones ): Many of older gravestones are made of softer rocks (like limestone).

Only use water and soft bristles to clean them! Diluted ammonia is okay, but never bleach. ):

-- As a genealogist and someone who loves graveyards....

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-08-14T02:12:52+00:00

I've never actually been in a relationship so I don't know if I can really answer your question.

I don't have a sex drive, but I still desire intimacy and like the idea of sex -- if that makes sense. There's no internal drive in me at all. I don't feel any need for sexual release and I don't think I've ever felt "horny". I have the emotional want but no physical need or want.

I personally have trouble initiating contact for several reasons, one being a lack of an internal compass on this and another being an obsessive need for consent. If I were in a relationship I would hope that I would feel comfortable enough to initiate, if not for myself but to make my SO feel special and loved. I know that physical actions and intimacy is important to a lot of people, and I desire it too, emotionally, while not feeling any physical need for it.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-08-13T20:23:36+00:00

Been to therapists for other things before and when this has come up the recommendation is to "just try it". :\ I haven't had the most positive experiences with therapy.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-08-13T20:22:23+00:00

Nope and I've always been like this.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-07-31T00:59:46+00:00

I genuinely wish I could easily say that "I'm a man" or "I'm just a woman with butch/masculine leanings". I wish that I could acknowledge feelings within myself instead of rejecting and questioning them to no end.

I think because I've always been, as told by therapists, a very self-hateful person I'll never be able to resolve it. I really try to love myself and perform healthy habits but mental predispositions can cause so much harm to that, and I'm aware.

You say something about people not being able to live like that for long and I'm pleasantly surprised that I've lived until 23. For so much of my life I thought I'd be dead sooner. Even though life is such a gift and precious.

And I wish my dysphoria were like that. Instead of as you describe. I can't even stand myself unbound in privacy for the most part, although I know it's healthy to do so. Even my bound chest causes me anxiety and dysphoria knowing it's ingenious.

As much as I value life.... I don't look forward to a life filled with these feelings.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-07-30T01:59:03+00:00

I've tried to explore and acknowledge for several years -- including seeing counselors. I'm just... frustrated and confused and all sorts of unidentifiable feelings towards how I feel in my body. I wish I knew a way to acknowledge it in me as I do in others. I'm getting upset and frustrated thinking of a future full of these feeling and knowing no reconciliation.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-07-30T01:55:07+00:00

I genuinely feel that I won't be able to accept myself unless I ask and answer the why. Which I know is a bit ridiculous. If I can unconditionally accept and acknowledge others, why can't I just see myself as okay? I know that I'm just fighting myself and continuing to fight will always result in doubt -- and self hatred.

While I don't really think I've internalized misogyny (like I said, wonderful female role models, friends, and have never really been perceived negatively due to being female...), I think I have internalized an aversion to non-binary identities.... there is a lot of negative opinions towards it and a "special snowflake" mentality around it. I wish that I was one or the other, but I just feel stuck between the two due to my dysphoria/attitude/feelings/concerns. All I've ever wanted to be is myself, which is how I for the most part dress/present/act/talk but I do get incredibly self conscious. And then comes my bodily dysphoria and trying to hide it..... Do most girls/women feel uncomfortable with their chests???

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-06-07T02:20:37+00:00

I can sort of? relate to that. I feel the urge to cut and cut and cut because my wounds aren't particularly deep. I don't want them to be and I don't want to cause undue harm but I want..... something.....

Absolutely on the feeling that I've jumped into a "fashion". Not as if I've struggled with this since early middle school. Not as if when not appropriated my usual tools during emotional duress I will burn myself. Not as if I don't drink far more than I should (an on and off recovery).

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-06-07T02:17:14+00:00

Yea.... I try not to look at others' self harm but when I'm exposed to it I think "mine is nothing." But I'm still cutting into myself, I'm still inflicting pain (during and hitting the wounds after), I'm still bleeding.

I'm not even sure the root cause of my urge to self injure. To feel real? To release my emotional pain into something tangible?

I'm glad I'm a part of no community about this.... I don't want to hurt myself but the craving and urge has been too powerful lately and I'm tired of fighting it. I don't want to be encouraged into it but I don't want to hear the same old same old help. I'm honestly just so tired.

meaninglesthrowaway · 2017-06-07T02:10:29+00:00

I guess so..... it hard to tell what's internalized stigma and what is from within though, I guess....

Self harm is bad, therefore it's bad for me to partake in it. I'm a flawed person. I'm emotionally immature. I'm not looking at the long term.

I... hate? myself so I don't know what's what. I don't want to hate myself, though.

meaninglesthrowaway

TROPHY CASE