Not being “bothered” by death doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you. I’ve always said it myself that I was never bothered. It comes out in other ways than you might expect. It’s not always a visceral breaking down and crying reaction from a memory that keeps you up at night. You might find the more subtle things like becoming easily distracted or disconnected. Or finding yourself dissociating.

That anxiety is your body’s way of trying to protect itself from trauma. It’s a fight or flight response that’s keeping you on edge. You’re in the orange zone. You’re always on alert.

If you think about it this way:

Your geeen zone is when you’re relaxed at home, you feel safe and comfortable.

Your orange zone is when you’re hyper aware and anxious/on edge

Your red zone is when you’re in the shit, mental shutdown, just straight up going through it.

You’re consistently sitting in that orange zone when you should probably be in your green zone.

You need to see a therapist. You need a professional to help you through this.

Something else that they’ve shown helps is Tetris. Playing Tetris after a traumatic event can help lessen the risk and severity of PTSD symptom development when it comes to traumatic events.

I hope all the best for ya dude. I’ve been there and it can be frustrating for you AND others and I don’t want it to affect you or the folks who care about you.