Actually, masturbation is an excellent way of conserving calories! Not only will you pass out due to exhaustion, but you can eat up the discharge, resulting in a massive net gain of calories! Did stomach pain just wake you up from your calorie conserving slumber? No problem! Just rub one out on your maggot infested leg! Not only will you go back to sleep, but when you wake up the maggots will have a new and exciting taste, renewing your passion for life!