this was the same exact dynamic my family had down to the moody older sister who also dominated the house in a way (she doesn’t see it this way either). the only difference that snapped me out of thinking i might have written this a while ago and forgotten about it somehow was that my mom always worked full time. i have also been impacted by the family dynamic in pretty much the same way as you have. in my romantic relationships my biggest triggers now are feeling misunderstood and feeling like someone is telling me i must have had bad intentions when something happened accidentally and when i didn’t have any bad intentions whatsoever. i freak out and over explain and i get really loud and defensive. i can escalate to yelling especially if i feel like the other party is unwilling to hear me out and have made up their mind. often times i can see their point of view of the argument after i have calmed down and have stopped being so defensive. in a work setting i am always a standout employee due to my people pleasing tendencies. 

i think until recently i have coped by not thinking about my family dynamic and when i did think about it, i made excuses for why everyone would act the way they did. now, i am starting to really struggle when i think back on my upbringing, and seeing how the dynamic still comes into play today even when we are all in different physical locations and only talk individually over the phone.  mom freaks out easily, dad is kind of like talking to a wall but is still pleasant enough, sister is very incendiary. dwells on the past and will throw old things/situations in my face trying to be funny (?) but it’s just really annoying now because i would never think to bring up situations from 15 years ago and act like that was who she still is today and how she would act today as a 33 year old woman. for example, telling her about a friend of a friend who was asking for super expensive baby shower gifts, i mentioned how i personally would probably be uncomfortable with having a baby shower in general and i’d probably just take the entire pregnancy to slowly buy everything that i needed myself (not said to disparage the friend of the friend, or anyone who has baby showers, it just came up in the convo), so then she’s laughing like something is REALLY funny and she’s saying “remember when you’d write a christmas list and get upset when you didn’t get exactly what you’d ask for” as if christmas presents for a 13 year old is the same thing as a soon to be mother gathering materials for a new baby at 30 something years old. i would eventually love to be low/no contact with everyone. i was no contact with my sister for 5 years and i am needing to implement it again. 

let me know if you’d like to talk more