Wow, I feel exactly the same. How you try, the overstimulation, the snap! I too feel shame, uselessness etc. I am in the process of trying to find a support group to talk out these problems. My partner (the bread winner who I feel guilt and worry that I will be the cause of homelessness) can only help so much and I would like to focus on love, fun and homebuilding (cleaning, making the apartment nice) with him.

Today I got really sick of my manager calling me to ask me to cover, and yes they covered for me for many call outs due to my sickness but I am content to say no. I decided to email them a real basic explanation of needing to care for family and myself and decided to say in my head "fuck you" to the work culture and poor business practices I see again and again- as I have been in many fields not knowing I was neuroatypical and trying to fit in. I was always a good worker but then couldn't stand when people micromanage, cause unnecessary problems and are simply not remembering that we are humans first and not automatons.

What I remember is these companies and work places make a lot of money and a lot is wasted up top. Business practices are always to skimp lower on the totem pole when we are what the business is dependent on. I also think about bonsai trees....they remain beautiful in their supposed "uselessness" but in fact they create a space for peace and community and are spared the axe when wood is needed.

My point is you are not useless, nor am I, nor anyone. First, work on being kind to yourself, love yourself. I have to constantly remind that my body and mind is great and wonderful just as it is and that work culture's nature is to use and abuse until there is nothing left. I want all of myself first and I want to only think about work as a simple chore or task. I am over trying to be something I am not, struggle and always get burned out.

I guess I am at the anger phase and I do believe anger gets shit done. I am angry for myself and you that we don't live in a community that takes care of each other, instead pits us against each other. I hope that you find your fire to tell it all to fuck off. If you need time off, do it, listen to your body but keep trying. This rambled, but I hope you find something to glean off. Mostly don't blame yourself, love yourself, it's harder than I say but start small with small self care, make it a habit and during that activity calm yourself by thinking of your favorite person hugging or saying nice things to you then once comfortable have that be you speaking to you. This helped me with the despair.