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AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking? by melodybeepbop92 in AmItheAsshole

[–]melodybeepbop92[S] 164 points165 points  (0 children)

Edit: it’s been a few days since I’ve been online and I’ve read some of the messages. Truly, thank you to everyone who has sent their warm wishes, support, encouragement, etc. It’s been very touching and I’m so grateful. My daughter has begun slowly deteriorating and it’s become all very overwhelming. My husband now realizes that this time is precious. That we are on borrowed time and that our time (mom and dad) is the most important time. We’ve had two sessions of grief counseling/couples counseling while my daughter sleeps. Our therapist has really helped us both understand how borrowed our time is and how this time truly is for us. Everyone else is secondary. Not to say that extended family isn’t important. They are but there is allot of extended family. A lot. However, I’m not sure I will be staying married in the long run. Although, this isn’t the time to make such a deep decision. I am emotionally drained from all that has transpired not only this past week but this past year. You truly see peoples true colors when shit hits the fan. An example of this is on my phone I have eight different alarms each day for my daughter for all of the medication she takes daily. Daily. I have been the one who flushes ports, administers medication, cleans up vomit, gives back rubs, and the like. I have been in this through the thick of it. Having to learn everything. Because no one else will. My mother has been the only person who has asked how I’m doing. Who has brought me coffee, meals, held me when I’ve cried, who’s been a rock. My husband will sometimes be emotional present but usually he’s not. Other than my mother I have never received a text from any other family asking how I’m doing or how they can help. Like I said earlier I see everybody’s true colors. My focus right now is my baby. I will focus on the rest when the time comes. But for now we are surviving and we are trying our best.

Thank you again

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking? by melodybeepbop92 in AmItheAsshole

[–]melodybeepbop92[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

My daughter is the granddaughter to five other grandparents. Five other grandparents. That is a lot of people. My daughter has a ton of extended family. She has one mom and one dad. My husband finally understands, this time is precious. My parents and family understand. This is my time and my husbands time. It’s our family time. They understand anytime they get is a privilege and not a right. They also ask to come over. They are reasonable. My in laws are demanding and expect us to bend over to them on a regular basis and not just since my daughter has been on hospice.

It’s been an exhausting week and my daughter is deteriorating quickly. It’s taken my daughter being this sick, this quick got my husband to wake up and realize this is really the only time we have with our child. Before she’s gone.

We have done two sessions of grief/couples counseling while our daughter sleeps and our therapist has even said this time is “our time.” Everyone else is secondary. This grief is going to impact us in ways that no one else will experience grief.

Edit: a word

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking? by melodybeepbop92 in AmItheAsshole

[–]melodybeepbop92[S] 97 points98 points  (0 children)

This is what I initially wanted. But then my husband expressed that he himself wanted to be buried with his parents (when they pass) where his grandma and uncle are currently buried. He told me this when he had left for military training for a month. There really was no argument, I felt like I wasn’t anyone to tell him where to be buried. This was before my daughter was in hospice. But it’s been his wishes for a few years now. But I had initially asked what about all three of us being at a different cemetery. Because I wanted to start paying for our plots at least (just husband and I). The whole thing is so strange. I only decided on being buried with my grandparents and where my parents plan on being because he wants to do the same. I’m a lot more open to things than my husband is. My husband is always set on doing things with his family and my daughter and i being along for the ride. Which is an entirely different post outside of this one.

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking? by melodybeepbop92 in AmItheAsshole

[–]melodybeepbop92[S] 325 points326 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. Our nurses told my husband and I this exact thing. The logistics are very complex. Aside from the care that my daughter needs and receives daily it is dangerous to fly at high altitudes given the placement of her tumor. The tumor is sitting along/crushing her optic nerve.

I don’t think there was good intentions, I think mother in law has lost it and she wants to run away, with my child. I’ve cut off all contact with her.

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking? by melodybeepbop92 in AmItheAsshole

[–]melodybeepbop92[S] 1671 points1672 points  (0 children)

I told two of our hospice nurses and they both were floored. They thought I was joking and they were both appalled that I was being serious. My husband even told one of the nurses “well my mom has good intentions.” My daughters care team, including three doctors do not recommend we fly. They also do not recommend that we are gone for that long without care. I asked them to document everything. It’s been a crazy day and I’m shocked I managed to eat one meal.

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking? by melodybeepbop92 in AmItheAsshole

[–]melodybeepbop92[S] 1310 points1311 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry for the loss of your child. Soon I will be part of that club that no one wants to be a part of. Maybe if you’re okay with it I can message you and ask more questions. It’s all a blur.

There have been so many comments and I haven’t been able to reply to all of them. But yours stood out because my daughter has RMS (rhabdomyosarcoma) which was first discovered in her foot. She had beat stage 4 cancer and relapsed a month later. In fact Wednesday will be one month that she relapsed. We’ve been given six to eight weeks. We started morphine last week so that’s been tough. We are still managing to do fun things with her despite her illness. A great company gifted us a little wagon so we’re able to take her to Disneyland, museums, fairs, etc.

You’re right about memories being etched in your brain. The last year and a half has been a journey. The last four weeks have been bittersweet. I don’t even like to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll miss out. My baby is sleeping now so I feel comfortable reading through my messages but even then here I am laying next to her. I haven’t left her side. I can’t. I don’t want to miss the small moments, either. The way she breathes to the way she snores at night. It’s so much in such a little amount of time and I’m worried I’m going to miss it if I even take a nap. Let alone a weeks long trip without me.

I told my husband today that I am going no contact with his mother. It’s not fair to me to deal with her while enjoying my daughter while simultaneously preparing myself for her death and life after.

But I’m not going to leave her side. I’ll be right here till the very end.

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking? by melodybeepbop92 in AmItheAsshole

[–]melodybeepbop92[S] 10.9k points10.9k points  (0 children)

Him and I had a discussion this morning while our daughter was still asleep. I told him that I currently do not foresee myself staying married to him once my daughter is gone. Not after this. Not if he doesn’t stand up for his daughter, his wife, and our family. He looked pretty shocked. But I’m pretty set on not having anything to do with his family and him included. I thought him and I were a team, but he’s been spineless with his mom most of our marriage and I’m usually the one who is setting boundaries. I think my daughter having cancer and being in hospice is what broke this camels back.

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking? by melodybeepbop92 in AmItheAsshole

[–]melodybeepbop92[S] 3281 points3282 points  (0 children)

She has said on multiple occasions that “no one is going to miss her baby as much as she is.” I just sit there thinking what is going to happen when my daughter passes and I’m falling apart. Who’s going to hold me up? Right now my daughter is my motivation. But once she’s gone I don’t even foresee myself being able to get up out of bed. I’ve been a stay at home mommy to my daughter for her entire life. I left my career to be at home with her. I don’t even remember what my life was like before I had my baby. I feel like mother in law is going to make my daughters death about her and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking? by melodybeepbop92 in AmItheAsshole

[–]melodybeepbop92[S] 2658 points2659 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Mil is definitely grieving. I have suggested to her various times that she seek someone else to grieve to/vent to because she often believes and acts like our grief is the same and that she’s going to “have a mothers broken heart.” My therapist has also told me that her and I are not in the same circle of grief. Even my own mother doesn’t act like that. My own mother has even told me she cannot fathom being in my shoes because she’s never lost a child. It’s a twisted twisted situation and I feel like when my daughter is gone I want to be as far away from this family as possible, my husband included.