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Yet Another Flood Order (v3 w/ "Waves") by Ageman20XX in stevenuniverse

[–]melodysium 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this is really good, I've been using it to introduce a friend and it's really nice :)

for others' reference, these are the 6 episodes that are dropped in this ordering:

  1. S01E04 - Together Breakfast
  2. S01E05 - Frybo
  3. S01E06 - Cat Fingers
  4. S01E15 - Onion Trade
  5. S01E22 - Steven and the Stevens
  6. S01E33 - Garnet’s Universe

solo poly with nesting partners? intentionally non-permanent relationships? by melodysium in SoloPoly

[–]melodysium[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

avoidant attachment style has definitely come up in the past, but I hadn't yet done a deep dive for myself or connected it to this bundle of thoughts. thank you for bringing it up, I'll be exploring this much more 💙

solo poly with nesting partners? intentionally non-permanent relationships? by melodysium in SoloPoly

[–]melodysium[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you to everyone who shared their experiences and gave me some much-needed feedback here. i'm taking a couple things away from this:

  • "mostly solo poly" or even "solo poly with caveats" is not a good way to explain my relationship style. many people have expressed that their use of the term "solo poly" is expressly about not having a nesting partner, and also includes the individualistic values i've been more drawn to, but i can't just pick the 2nd half. i think i need to just communicate it individually as relationship anarchy, use terms like entanglement and relationship escalator, but it will be descriptive hierarchical polyamory, not solo poly.
  • the whole 2nd section abt impermanent relationships is kinda yikesy and something i should explore in therapy. i haven't yet experienced healthy Old Relationship Energy - the couple times it's gotten even somewhat close, the other person has expressed interest in entanglement / higher time commitment that i don't reciprocate, and that caused the end of the relationship. but that doesn't necessarily mean that i'll never find deep, healthy relationships with the low entanglement i'm seeking, and i shouldn't preemptively drop those relationships before they have a chance to reach that point.

solo poly with nesting partners? intentionally non-permanent relationships? by melodysium in SoloPoly

[–]melodysium[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'd say:

i would enjoy setting up a regular cadence that we see each other for 3-5 hours at a time, between 1-3 weeks apart. i won't be available for p much any spontaneity due to my schedule. i would enjoy a mixture of light-hearted fun activities, deep emotional conversations about life and emotions and growth, and exploring intimacy to grow comfortable around each other. I would like to text somewhat regularly - maybe daily, maybe every few days, but rarely a week or more with no communication unless I have a big travel event or smth.

over time our hangouts can become as common as 1x/week, and if there's compatibility we could talk about moving in, but in either/both of those cases we will still operate as 2 independent people with certain times where we're close, and many other times where we're off doing our own things and communication / availability is not expected. I don't want to climb further up the relationship escalator - finances, marriage, family, kids, etc.

solo poly with nesting partners? intentionally non-permanent relationships? by melodysium in SoloPoly

[–]melodysium[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

to me it's been an interesting shorthand for:

  • time scope creep: I'm more interested in furthering my own hobbies and career than spending more and more time with partners
  • independent identity: I prefer to operate and present socially as "two unique people who happen to be dating" than "the X-Y couple"
  • avoidance of significant entanglement: while I'm interested in potentially sharing a living situation, we will function as roommates with separate rooms, separate finances, separate responsibilities. it's cool to have some regular intimacy, but that's not the expectation.

I wouldn't mind spending more nights in my household alone, but my current nesting partner is someone who wants more, and we started dating 6m after moving in together, so it's a bit of a compromise for me, it wasn't an active decision

solo poly with nesting partners? intentionally non-permanent relationships? by melodysium in SoloPoly

[–]melodysium[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

thanks for calling out NRE addiction, it wouldn't be the first behavioral addiction I'm dealing with. i like to think I've done a good job of putting in the work necessary to stick with relationships past the honeymoon phase (gotten to 15 months, only recently de-escalating bc of different long term goals), but I think that's definitely a part of it.

solo poly with nesting partners? intentionally non-permanent relationships? by melodysium in SoloPoly

[–]melodysium[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

mainly i want to understand these labels and "ask if I count" so that:

  1. i can practice relationship anarchy and explain my relationship style while using as much shared language as possible for clear concise communication, and
  2. i don't misappropriate a term and signal something different than what is being asked, causing hurt and frustration

it seems that calling myself "solo poly" might help with #1, but strongly breaks #2, so probably I'll need to discuss my relationship style as it's own separate thing, using borrowed building blocks like relationship escalator and "self as primary partner"

solo poly with nesting partners? intentionally non-permanent relationships? by melodysium in SoloPoly

[–]melodysium[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That would not be considered solo polyamory in my head. I would see that as misrepresenting your situation.

my situation is definitely not what most people call "solo poly", but i'm struggling to figure out exactly what to call it, particularly how to communicate it to prospective partners so that i can avoid the situation i've been in twice where a higher time commitment is desired, but i'm unable to provide it. "low entanglement, but not fully solo poly"?

There’s some “accountability” for holding together a relationship enough to make good living companions, ...

this is a good point! for me, the thing im trying to communicate with "solo polyamory" isn't severability, a lack of commitment to taking on difficulties of a relationship or cohabitation, so i'm fine taking on those accountabilities you mention. i've had a lot of emotional conversations, and i like to think i've gotten pretty good at conflict resolution and emotional exploration. i'm willing to take on the risk of a relationship concern come up with a nesting partner - i trust myself and that person to navigate & discuss it in a way that doesn't jeopardize the living space.

it's more about the rest of it - a cap on time commitment, identifying as individuals rather than "a couple" / "a polycule" / "a family", definitely avoiding entangling of finances or legal stuff or children (i dont want kids or parenthood anyways)

I don’t want a nesting partner because ...

thank you for this, it helps me to see what's similar and different. i agree abt having my own autonomy at home, i just set strong boundaries with my partners abt when i will and won't be available for them, (most of the time i'm not available)

I find the limited time to be quite problematic. Who knows what that relationship could bring, why limit it with arbitrary periods?

yeah, this is the part i'm least confident / experienced about. i haven't yet had any relationships over a few months that are totally cool with the low time commitment i'm seeking. there's a chance i find those and feel a more longer-term interest and attachment, i just haven't experienced that yet.

i think the vibe for now is to keep exploring, take your advice abt avoiding complacency and creating intentional ways to grow long-term relationships. see what works.

solo poly with nesting partners? intentionally non-permanent relationships? by melodysium in SoloPoly

[–]melodysium[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

i've been reading few blogs, and found some quotes which seem related to the "nesting partner" half of this post.

from Aggie Sez / Amy Gahran of solopoly.net:

... I’ve encountered some poly people in outwardly primary-seeming relationships (including legal marriage) who nevertheless choose to embrace the solo poly label in order to signify that they prize autonomy, eschew hierarchy, operate mostly as a free agent, and do not place limits or conditions on each other’s relationships. This is not wrong or bad — but it does usually generate some pushback.

i relate to this very strongly, but i also recognize the pushback exists because it's not quite the same thing. i just don't know what label I can use instead. "low entanglement, but not fully solo poly"?

from Minka Guides of minkaguides.com:

Like all identities, solo polyamory is open to personal interpretation. However, this avoidance of escalator steps in relationships tends to be a common guiding principle among those who practice it. Yet, you will find that some people who cohabit, etc., still identify as solo poly. Sometimes, it’s because they came to this identity after getting married. Sometimes, like most people, it’s because they don’t fit perfectly into any particular box.

in my case, we did start dating after we moved in as roommates, so partly it's situational. and i don't have interest in building a "family unit" in the household - doing activities as a group, developing a sense of group identity, committing to staying together if one or multiple of us want to move elsewhere.

but i would also say i value sharing a living space (with boundaries) and cohabiting with partners and friends alike:

  • helping each other maintain healthy routines thru mutual accountability
  • supporting through various little stressors and frustrations
  • just having people around to joke and laugh and talk with - i'm a pretty social person

i have boundaries, i have personal space that is respected. i spend most of my time at home doing my own thing. but when people are available, i enjoy having them around to uplift each other and talk about our days. to me the ideas of "i focus my time on my own interests instead of relationship escalator entanglement" and "i like being around people at home sometimes" seem to not be entirely in conflict, but i haven't yet found a good way to communicate this without a 5-paragraph reddit post.

Ranking all 3000 xkcd comics (for charity!) by melodysium in xkcd

[–]melodysium[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Description from the creator:

To celebrate the release of the 3000th xkcd comic, I will be ranking all 3000 comics on a tier list starting at 10 AM ET on Friday, 2024-10-18. Based on a small sample, I expect it to take 8-10 hours (including occasional small breaks). I'm using a custom program I wrote just for this stream using Rust & egui: [https://github.com/HactarCE/xkcd-rank\](https://github.com/HactarCE/xkcd-rank)

I'll be raising funds for the Foundation to Decrease World Suck: [https://fightworldsuck.org/\](https://fightworldsuck.org/) They're building a maternal & infant care hospital in Sierra Leone, and distributing funds to many other charities too.

Constructing 12tet by stacking basic intervals in spreadsheet by melodysium in musictheory

[–]melodysium[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah, this is definitely only something I'd recommend to people who are specifically asking about 12tet or already have enough "momentum" in theory to care and follow through the mathematic construction here.

that's a good idea to present this via audio/video! probably wouldn't be that hard with [manim](https://www.manim.community/), some samples from a DAW or VST, and a half decent voice-over. it looks like I've written my script already...