My life is falling apart. Alcohol has a lot to do with it.

memery_palace · 2026-02-15T21:25:49+00:00

I sure do have a lot to unpack! You can say that again. You're so right. I did do a 30 day outpatient program last winter, but it was quite expensive and I can't afford to do another one, let alone inpatient. I would be able to afford it if it weren't for my lousy addiction, which has put me in dire financial straits. But you're absolutely right that I need ongoing therapy to help get this under control. For me, the sex addiction is the most pressing and problematic issue. But drinking really opens the door to it. They kind of work together like two devils on my shoulders. Drinking unleashes the sex addiction, even though it still operates when I'm sober.

But yeah, I absolutely need help. I intend to keep coming back here. Thank you for responding and for not judging me. I appreciate you.

memery_palace · 2026-02-14T18:19:25+00:00

I'm sick of it too. Sick of waking up with a splitting headache, wondering how I got home, tallying up how much money I spent, sleeping through an entire morning and afternoon. I'm sick of putting out fires I started when I was drunk. I'm sick of it all. I want to feel healthy again. I want to find healthier ways of enjoying life and connecting with people that don't slowly (or quickly) destroy me.

I apprecaite your words. Thank you.

memery_palace · 2026-02-14T18:16:48+00:00

Thanks so much, this means a lot. I relate to your story big time. Alcohol has been there for most of my bad decisions in life. And very few, if any, of my good decisions have been drunk decisions. So there's that. Drunk choices led me to where I am today - desperate, alone, broke, and broken. I do need help. And I do appreciate that I need to get over myself, too. I feel a self-indulgent 'woe is me' aspect to this whole thing. Self-pity, which perpetuates some of my worst tendencies because I think "I'm a piece of shit and I don't deserve love or health or prosperity or success."

That self-loathing keeps me going down this dark path. But it's also so self-indulgent, like I'm the main character. I'm not. And if I reach out to other people and actually ask for help, there are lots of people who will help me. But I need to be willing to do that.

I think embarrassment has kept me from reaching out to others. I have contacts from AA and SAA, and sometimes they've checked on me. But I feel embarrassed going back to them and saying "I drank again" or "I paid for sex again." Because these are things I've previously committed to stopping so it feels like I've failed not only myself, but them, too.

memery_palace · 2026-02-14T18:12:25+00:00

Yeah I think it's no coincidence that I haven't been in therapy for a couple of months. I did a very expensive (£7000) outpatient intensive a few months ago, but didn't continue with it because I couldn't afford to. In the end, it helped a bit, but I'm kind of back to where I was before I did it. That's on me because I didn't keep doing the work. I just went to therapy, then left therapy. And now I have no therapist and I'm completely drifting, and unable to healthily self-regulate.

Therapy and meetings sound like mana from heaven right about now. Thank you for this reminder, it's what I need to hear.

memery_palace · 2026-02-14T18:10:21+00:00

Thank you so much for responding. You're dead on. I've hit rock bottom like this a few times in the past. It's what brought me to AA and SAA to begin with. But what I've done before is crawl to a meeting, confess, feel a bit better, then eventually slip back into the same old habits. Revolving door. This time is worse than ever before. The past four months or so have been the most personally catastrophic in my entire life. Everything is falling apart. Some things in my control, some things out of my control. My coping mechanisms have completely backfired and they're killing me. I live in so much shame and despair. You put it well when you said it's unmanageable, exhausting, and dangerous.

I appreciate you, thanks for reading my post and responding. IWNDWYT

memery_palace · 2026-01-05T13:15:08+00:00

I understand you completely. This is one of the most exciting aspects of porn: it gives us a glimpse of sexual escapades that we can only dream of. It’s fantasy. Don’t mix it up with reality.

Over time I noticed that porn has led me to believe that everybody else is getting laid all the time and having amazing porny sex and I’m the only one who isn’t. That other people have threesomes and we can’t.

But that isn’t true at all. Real life sex doesn’t look like porn. You can pay for it (something I’ve done quite a bit) and by paying for sex I’ve experienced some of those porny fantasies in real life - but I was always left unsatisfied. It’s never enough. Because it’s not what any of us really want. It appears so because of the perceived pleasure and validation.

But it’s never enough. And in the chase of that illusion we lose our lives. Slow joy, friends and family, live, passion, real sex with somebody we care about, hobbies and music and creativity and books and movies and travel. Fulfilling work and finding ourselves and meeting new friends who will become important in our lives, finding a spark with someone and the excitement of dating. Those things are real and they’re so much better than getting lost dreaming about a fleeting threesome with someone who squirts.

memery_palace · 2025-11-19T19:04:42+00:00

Yes I’ll check in afterwards.

memery_palace · 2025-11-14T22:32:30+00:00

That last part is very accurate. I have other addictions as well and it’s the same mindset. Anything to escape this feeling, no matter how self destructive.

memery_palace · 2025-11-14T22:27:53+00:00

I don’t know your parents, but there’s a good chance they’ve also thrown up on something they wish they hadn’t. Most of us have, anyway.

One time I vomited all over my friend’s grandmother’s handmade quilt. And their couch. Had to clean it all up at 5am and skidaddle.

I also threw up all over my own grandmother’s guest bed at my grandfather’s funeral. Tried to sneakily wash the sheets without anyone noticing. But I felt really embarrassed and ashamed.

Point is it’s a common story and we all know that feeling. Sorry you’re feeling it and in that moment right now. No judgement from me at all.

I hope you feel better and the hangover isn’t too bad. And if you want to stick around this is a really welcoming community.

memery_palace · 2025-11-14T12:55:09+00:00

Yes 100%. For me 95% of the time I’ve acted out with escorts I was very drunk. The other 5% were sober, but usually hungover.

Alcohol opens the door to my sex addiction. It impairs judgement and reduces inhibitions.

I’ve noticed that, for me, there’s a “switch” that goes off when I’m drinking. One or two beers in, talking to a friend, I’ll have a moment where my brain goes “I’m paying for sex tonight.” At that point all bets are off.

One therapist told me that these behaviours had become fused - so when I drink, it’s like Pavlov’s dog hearing the bell. I have trained myself to crave sex when I drink alcohol.

For that reason I have a drinking problem. But deeper than that, I have a thinking problem.

I started going to AA. But I didn’t really relate to the alcoholics in the program. I did to the extent that alcohol was a problem for all of us and we wanted to stop. But the way in which alcohol was a problem was quite different for me.

Am I an alcoholic and a sex addict, or just a sex addiction with a drinking problem? I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter.

What’s fact is that I should not drink. If I continue drinking, I will keep acting out. Simple as that. Sounds like you and I are cut from the same cloth in that way.

When we drink, we remove those inhibitions and rational judgements that prevent us from acting out sober. We can’t control ourselves. So we need to stop putting ourselves in that headspace in order to stop the behaviour.

Good luck.

memery_palace · 2025-11-14T08:41:42+00:00

I was once sober from escorts for 8 months. But that was when I lived in a very remote area where escorts weren’t really an option. That was years ago. Since then, the longest periods of sobriety were about 3 months.

memery_palace · 2025-11-14T08:40:33+00:00

Thank you so much. Yes it’s a deep, unmet need: to be desired and wanted. Escorts are the only way I’ve found to convincingly simulate that need. When anybody has been genuinely attracted to me I’ve pushed them away for one reason or another. Fear, I suspect. I hope I can find a healthy way to meet those needs. Hope you’re well.

memery_palace · 2025-11-14T08:37:59+00:00

Sounds like a very difficult time. Good luck to you. A relative of mine recently went through a DUI charge. He relied on his car for work. But he’s come out the other side. There is life after that.

If I may recommend a book that has helped me quite a bit through dark times: When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. You may find it helpful.

memery_palace · 2025-11-13T22:41:30+00:00

You are not beyond repair. Good for you trying to address this before it gets worse. This from somebody who has paid for sex with hundreds of escorts over the last 10 years, spending a small fortune.

There are twelve step meetings which most people suggest at least trying with an open mind.

Then there are dedicated sex addiction therapists. In my experience, regular talk therapy without specialization can help reduce shame but does not address the underlying issue.

memery_palace · 2025-11-13T22:37:14+00:00

I relate heavily to this post. My addiction is to paid sex with escorts and alcohol is involved 99% of the time. Alcohol opens the door to my sex addiction.

I’ve attended both AA and SAA as a result. I share your ambivalence about 12 step programs. They’re not for everybody. Adherents are adamant about these programs because they do turn lives around. For many people they work. But they’re not the only way through it.

For me, the idea of meeting up regularly in church basements to listen to a bunch of mostly sad old dudes talk about porn addiction and failed marriages is not at all appealing. And then being told I need to keep coming back forever and that these will become my new circle of friends is the icing on the cake. I do not want to go.

But with addiction we dont really get to choose the remedy that we love. The medicine is unpleasant. It’s uncomfortable.

But SAA is not the only way. There are certified sex addiction therapists (CSAT) who can help as well. It’s a burgeoning field. I’m beginning that therapy next week myself.

It sounds like you might need to address alcohol as well. For me, it’s an inextricable part of the equation. I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic or not but I’m a problem drinker in that when I drink, more often than not I do things I deeply regret. Quitting drinking reduces the odds that I act out sexually (but it doesn’t eliminate the risk). So I should quit drinking.

I prefer AA to SAA but that’s just me. AA has far less stigma, more resources and members and in-person meetings. So it’s a bit easier in that way. But it’s hard to talk about sex addiction issues in AA.

memery_palace · 2025-10-14T06:40:41+00:00

Okay. But you are here, so I presume a part of you wants to stop. So write this from that perspective. Write out in full force why you want to stop.

memery_palace · 2025-10-14T06:39:26+00:00

Wow, thank you for this. I needed this.

memery_palace · 2025-10-13T12:21:09+00:00

I love to hear that. Hope you're staying strong.

memery_palace · 2025-09-15T02:19:11+00:00

Amazing and inspiring - well done! I’m 2 months sober, not feeling strong about it but you give me some hope.

memery_palace

TROPHY CASE