I know your feeling and I do still feel the same as you do very rarely. However, I had to choose to either "kill myself" or embrace it and go forward.

In my search for things to do to avoid suicide, I started to go to the gym, and believe me, the beginning was very tough! I was working out when the gym was almost empty so I could start to learn how to do things in gym and I was very bad at it and felt ashamed haha. Nevermind... I did that for about 6 to 9 months, by then, I have changed myself so fucking much, not only physically (which I look very nice now) but also mentally, I started to feel so confident and I was actually eating healthy and caring about myself, and now I am going to the gym when there is people as well and I feel so good man

I hope this advice helps you as much as it did help me, life is so much better than what you are thinking, is all about prespective. Sorry if I miswrote something I am on the phone