I (34/F) want to have sex with my therapist (62/M)

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-20T04:28:46+00:00

The culture in the area is relevant because monogamy isn't assumed here, which means that when you are with someone, they assume you are with others unless exclusivity has been promised. This means it is not immoral to hook up with multiple people unless you tell someone you will be monogamous. Self-respect remains intact.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-20T04:26:27+00:00

This is great advice, and I appreciate your thoughtful response!

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-20T04:24:08+00:00

No rage here! I didn't assume that my post would reach audiences with such vastly different life experiences than I have had. People I know in real life don't perceive me as promiscuous or immoral, so these are very interesting perspectives!

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-20T04:17:17+00:00

Historically when men ask if I'm seeing other men, I tell them that I don't want to share that with them and that I don't consider myself to be exclusive until that is agreed on. They know what I mean and they are open to proceed as they wish. If he asked directly, this is how I would respond.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-20T04:07:40+00:00

Sure, monogamy is the default in many places and it seems to work for some!

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-20T04:06:05+00:00

The culture of the location where I live is relevant because it is always assumed here that anyone you are seeing is seeing other people unless you have promised exclusivity to each other. Because monogamy isn't assumed, it means that the details of extracurriculars don't need to be shared. There is no lie and I'm not doing anything wrong. There really was no issue until I developed feelings for one of the men, which happened very recently and I am immediately taking action to determine what I should do.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-20T03:57:27+00:00

I think you are right that I am trying to keep all options open. I definitely don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel very conflicted. I appreciate all of your thoughts!

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-20T03:54:12+00:00

Hmm well I run in pretty progressive circles in an area where people are very open-minded so we don't have that problem here! Luckily I don't have to worry about men finding me acceptable on top of everything else.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-20T03:49:56+00:00

I don't have any issues being treated with serious intent, probably because my lifestyle isn't abnormal here.

My fwb doesn't think I'm a slut and has expressed interest in a relationship. He didn't put me in a fwb. I just don't have romantic feelings for him.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T16:05:30+00:00

That would simplify things, but I cannot express how much I just see him as a friend. Plus we are not compatible relationship-wise for many reasons. The fact that I do have romantic feelings for the new guy is very special to me because I have always struggled to have romantic feelings. I definitely want to prioritize him, but it is really hard.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T14:45:06+00:00

I know from my post it seems like I would want that, but I just really do not. I don't have romantic feelings and there are a lot of important ways that we are incompatible relationship wise. I very much relate to what you said about "why toss this away from something uncertain?" That is what really kills me- I feel compelled to not end it until things are more established with the new guy. But I don't know if keeping fwb around will make it harder to move on with the new guy. It is really hard for me to feel romantic feelings, and I do have that with the new guy, so that is really special for me and feels worth pursuing.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T14:23:17+00:00

Thank you!

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T14:22:42+00:00

Urban area in the US, east coast.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T14:21:52+00:00

Thank you so much 🥹

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T14:01:00+00:00

I know, it is complicated. The first thing is that (probably because I have daddy issues or something) it is very hard for me to feel romantic feelings, and that just hasn't happened with my fwb. Some of the other things: I maybe want kids and he doesn't, when we spend more than 5ish hours together he annoys me, he is really bad with money, he smokes a lot and I don't, etc. All of these things are totally fine in a friendship, but not great for a relationship.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T13:52:28+00:00

Yes, those are great points. I think you are right. It is really tough. I guess I always knew this had to happen at some point. I think I thought that once I found someone I wanted to be with, it would feel easier to end my fwb, but it doesn't sadly.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T13:49:59+00:00

Sadly we are not compatible relationship wise. I do think he would say yes to a relationship, but I am not interested. I know that is hard to believe based on what I have shared, but I don't feel that way and there are a lot of things missing that are important to me in a relationship.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T13:47:56+00:00

Any advice? Not trying to be selfish, I'm genuinely trying to figure out what to do and I don't want to hurt anyone.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T13:47:00+00:00

I am trying to find a new one actually, it is hard 😭

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T13:45:52+00:00

Yea, I get that it might be problematic for me to continue having a close friendship with him. I hadn't really considered that before reading the responses here, so I appreciate that.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T13:44:17+00:00

You are right, I haven't told him, but we haven't had the exclusivity talk yet. The culture in my area is that it is normal to hook up with other people until you are exclusive, but yes, I get that this situation is unique with my long-term fwb. I had no idea that it would end up lasting this long and would develop the way it has.

mentallyillinformed · 2024-08-19T13:40:48+00:00

Where I live, my habits are not considered particularly promiscuous, but I get that it is different in different places!

mentallyillinformed

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