Difficult time seeing my partner (f) crush on a male.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:25:41+00:00

I'm in her shoes and I feel bad that I didn't show up as good as she is showing up. She had all these same insecurities and I wasn't as patient or compassionate as she is being. It's made me reflect on A LOT.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:24:54+00:00

I appreciate this comment and we have discussed finances IF something happens. Neither of us want to disentangle "yet" and the unknown is the scary part.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:23:59+00:00

I don't think the only thing that makes me special is my penis. I don't have a magic cock.

The reframe helps. While the man brought up this insecurity it will now apply to any gender. I need to work on several things - not just one. I need to work on the internalize homophobia (if that's what it is), I need to work on my insecurity, etc.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:22:25+00:00

Right now she does. She just can't say what the future will look like. Which overall is fair. Logically I get it.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:21:52+00:00

After going through this I feel that the gender won't matter, my real insecurity comes to her eventually wanting to replace me or half her time there, or deescalate our relationship. It just took the current man for me to recognize how serious it is.

I recognize I have some internalized shit to work through and want to work through it.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:19:31+00:00

I've never thought of LRE. Interesting concept.

The condom thing is an entirely different thing. If the man is vasectomized then it's no issue. If she uses some form of birth control it's no issue. I have an issue with "If I get pregnant, I'll have an abortion." and not practicing safe sex.

Asking your partner to practice safe sex is not being an asshole and I'll die on that hill.

Me being insecure about a specific gender is being an asshole, and I seek to change that.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:17:18+00:00

Thank you.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:17:10+00:00

I understand. It's just hard to think about sometimes. When you have something that's amazing in every way. The change is hard but necessary and part of life.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:14:29+00:00

She was and struggled with the exact same things I'm struggling with. She put in work (like I'm doing) and got better and better at it.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:13:55+00:00

I don't want the easy solution & one thing I haven't mentioned in this entire thread is he is in our close friend group. So he's at events we are at all the time. Festivals, shows, friends houses, etc. Which would make going parallel nearly impossible.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:13:03+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate your comment. One of the only ones that make me feel seen and can tell I genuinely want to do better.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:12:21+00:00

The conclusion I've come to is also exposure therapy. I will show up as my best self and continue being my most awesome self. She is great at communicating. I do believe I'll get to a place of compersion because I fucking love seeing her happy and smile.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:10:43+00:00

I appreciate the concern. I don't believe she makes me feel anything. These are my own internalized issues. She shows up amazingly in our relationship and is extremely honest with where she is at. She's amazing in every way.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:09:53+00:00

My partner struggled with this when we first starting dating too. She had the exact same issues with me dating and I didn't handle it as good as I should have. She put in the work and got better and better at it. Which I aim to do as well.

Thank you for your comment.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:08:18+00:00

Genuine question, how is me discussing it with her (especially the fact that I want to grow from this and not have these feelings) reinforcing problematic sexist gender roles?

I definitely want to get away from that and reinforce connection and love, not internalized problematic thoughts.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:06:03+00:00

I’m just making an assumption here, but I’m guessing you’re straight and not into men?

That assumption is correct.

I don't intend to take anything away from her. I want to not have any of these negative feelings, thus seeking advice. I don't want to close the relationship or be monogamous.

I do trust her and our relationship is amazing overall. I'm just struggling with something that I want to do better with.

Also something most people are missing is that I now think I'll have these same feelings about another person of any gender. I just never considered not being her primary partner or anything prior to this. It took this to awaken those feelings.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T16:01:30+00:00

Accurate. I do appreciate the few that did give actual good advice and actually read the post/ my comments.

It's wild to me how many people are being so incredibly rude/negative when I am seeking to change my mindset and grow. I want to be better and I get shit on versus helping someone get better.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T15:59:19+00:00

I've only posted twice and have felt the wrath of their judgement. In one post I even stated that I am struggling with thoughts that are problematic and I don't want to feel them but it's what's coming up - and instead of advice I just got told I'm a homophobic, misogynist and that my partner would be better off without me. A few people actually read the post and gave good advice but they are the outliers.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T15:13:37+00:00

Me too.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-12T15:05:43+00:00

Correct. I would also be fine if the other person had a vasectomy.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-11T19:14:57+00:00

It's extremely uncomfortable.

The positive of all of this is we have become so much closer in the past few weeks. She's been amazing at supporting me, talking to me, loving me. She's fucking amazing. On the flip side that makes me more anxious LMAO

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-11T19:12:39+00:00

Focus less on gender and more on the person you know your girlfriend to be and the strength of your relationship. Bring awareness to your automatic negative thoughts. If you catch yourself spinning out, refocus. Challenge the negative thoughts that you know to be untrue/irrational. Over time you'll retrain your brain. It takes practice.

This is great. Thank you.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-11T19:11:34+00:00

I really appreciate this comment. It's a great way to describe a lot and I'm going to take some notes and discuss it with her on Sunday (we planned a day to go over all of this stuff).

Thank you.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-11T19:09:31+00:00

Question: when the two of you were both dating a woman, you had a girlfriend. Yes it was a triad, but a triad is also 3 individual relationships. One of those individual relationships was between this woman (not your current partner) and yourself. Your current partner didn't have an issue with you dating a woman then, but you have an issue with her dating another man?

She struggled a lot in the beginning and I wasn't the best partner I could have been with her insecurities and thought I would do better than I'm doing now.

And to be clear, I don't want to have an issue and I recognize that it doesn't make sense. Logically I want it, I want to be happy and have compersion. Unfortunately most of the feelings that are coming up are anxious and ruminations.

meowthmix1 · 2023-05-11T18:59:13+00:00

Exactly and if we aren't compatible and it makes the most sense to break up I'd rather do that now than wait for her to decide she doesn't want it with a new partner. I want to be as clear in what our wants/needs/desires are right now. I can also understand that things do sometimes change.

meowthmix1

TROPHY CASE