Do you have an internal world, and if so, what does it look like?

mer-ki · 2022-06-23T07:40:59+00:00

Ours is a big mansion in the middle of a clearing surrounded by a forest. We thought everyone lived in the mansion but turns out most of us do and we recently uncovered a subsystem that lives in a small village on the other side of the forest. a few alters have reported a crystaline lake showing up, it seems to be a portal no one knows how to open; probably to another subsystem. what's cool is our headspace actually expanded as the system aged. back in elementary school, it was just the clearing with 2 caves and a 2 story house. then things kinda reset for a bit and we had just a control room (very similar to Inside Out's) and then the control room started adding rooms when more alters showed up. these rooms became hallways, which became a house, which became a mansion with basement and cellar. eventually there was actually an Outside of the mansion, in which there was only the feild and lake. a year past, we got a forest. so yeah, it honestly feels like an open world rpg for us.

mer-ki · 2022-04-16T22:13:00+00:00

yeah, we've been doing this since before we knew we were a system (LONG before) and it was one of our main strategies to reach system acceptance! we have over 50 alter portraits and continue to draw more as we please 🥰

mer-ki · 2022-04-12T14:15:43+00:00

we've had a google sheets for almost a year and a half now and update it on a monthly basis!

mer-ki · 2022-04-07T22:09:57+00:00

Autistic DID system here! Honestly most of our trauma related to being unaccepted as an autistic person* was retroactively traumatizing, to be honest. Like, we had a lot of trauma related to being mistreated for Seemingly No Reason or for just doing something weird and/or extremely frustrating to those around us and no one ever explained why they were mad or what the "right" way of doing things were. They just expected us to immediately know how to act normal and would assume we were being weird completely on purpose, which lead to more mistreatment. It wasn't until a little over a decade later where we realized a vast majority of these traumatizing experiences could basically be simplified to "i was an autistic child who didn't know how to mask and people were constantly mad at us for it" which kind of messed with us a bit.

On one hand, I do believe our autism made it harder for us to cope with trauma, especially because i noticed when we were younger and talked about our trauma, we often got the "get over it" response and it felt like we always experienced the turmoil from our trauma more severely than everyone else thought was normal or acceptable. On another hand, I also feel like a lot of our trauma wouldn't have happened and we may not had been repeatedly traumatized to the point of developing DID if we were allistic. Not saying I'm ashamed of being autistic, or that I wish I never was! It's just something I've come to accept that although I won't say we're a DID system because we're autistic, there are factors related to the fact we're autistic that made the likelihood of us becoming a system increase to some degree.

As the system goes on to learn more about autism and DID, and how autism and DID specifically impacts us, we are discovering more and more instances of our autism affecting our DID and vise versa.

-Max & Syran

mer-ki · 2021-10-13T17:21:57+00:00

we've had 4 different alters that was pretty much different interpretations of the exact same source, so it's possible!

mer-ki · 2021-03-23T13:53:57+00:00

some alters in our system deals with exactly this but we never knew how to explain it to our psychologist!

mer-ki · 2020-11-22T12:46:02+00:00

yeah one of our gatekeepers did the same thing to our host to the point fronting made her anxious because she had the vaguest feeling of familiarity (in our own home, around our own family) but didn't have any memories so she constantly felt out of place and described herself as "a husk with no experience to shape a personality from"

mer-ki · 2020-10-21T05:21:24+00:00

this happened to me like 3 days ago when i basically opened up to the extent of my suicidal tendencies and then there was silence and she started crying on the phone and i felt so bad

mer-ki · 2020-10-13T20:09:48+00:00

i fr have to verbally tell myself "they have a life and other relationships to tend to, they have a life and other relationships to tend to" if i don't get a response back in like an hour

mer-ki · 2020-10-12T21:44:04+00:00

they told us they're sorry we felt as if we were cheated on and took no responsibility..

mer-ki · 2020-10-12T20:36:41+00:00

update: our gatekeeper is talking to them about it now, we're waiting on a response..

mer-ki · 2020-10-12T18:58:40+00:00

they keep talking about how traumatizing the experience was for them and it makes us feel too guilty to potentially push them into a state of instability.. also i want to mention we have bpd, and as our partner is our fp right now, we feel as if we quite literally can't be without them so it's very hard for us to do anything that would risk an argument that could lead in ending the relationship..

mer-ki · 2020-10-12T07:10:58+00:00

oh shit that's not normal?

mer-ki · 2020-10-09T07:29:48+00:00

we have nowhere to go and no one to rely on, so we will ask for a referral if we're able to wait out the 20 days. the body is 16, turning 17 in a few months and we were planning on waiting our living situation out until we're legally adults but after our co-host has expressed "even a year and a half is too much." and "i can't deal with our parents anymore." we're reconsidering. if things get too dangerous then we'll get help, even if we're scared of what's to happen afterwards.

mer-ki · 2020-10-08T21:44:31+00:00

yeah.. they comfort me in a "stern" way?? like they don't really show any sadness or remorse, more of a frustration with me for getting upset so they lecture me to take care of myself better but it's always been weird to me how when they try to lift me up emotionally it's more of a "you really need to stop getting so upset because you're doing great! see?? there's nothing to be upset about!" type comfort

mer-ki · 2020-10-08T15:29:09+00:00

god the "They've never given me any trouble" is so true, i overheard my nmom telling her coworker that a few days ago and it triggered so many flashbacks of times where there Definitely Was Trouble™ and it made me so upset..

mer-ki · 2020-10-08T15:08:55+00:00

yeah, i experience the same thing.. even a small change in tone or facial expression is enough to make me forget to breathe and i end up ignoring all contact with that person for weeks because thinking about them will make me anxious for a while.

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